2½ year old now refusing to go to bed in her room

[aznerak]

Another boring post about bad sleepers, but anyone got any ideas?
We removed the sides of our DS's cotbed in December and have had no problems at all with her sleeping in her big girl bed until 2 weeks ago. Nothing has changed for her - but all of a sudden, for no reason at all, she now refuses to sleep in her bed. She (like her older brother) is very good at telling us she is ready for bed. We have the same routine as ever and then 2 weeks ago, we took her up to bed and she went crazy, screaming the house down. I left her for a couple of minutes, hoping she'd settle but she got worse and worse til she was virtually sick. She screams out for mummy until I go to her and bring her downstairs. I've tried the withdrawing technique of staying in the corner of the room etc as we did successfully years back with our DS but with DD, this has carried on. Over bank holiday, I got my DS to sleep in her room with her for 2 nights and after that, we had 5 nights of her being reluctant to go to bed, but she did nevertheless and slept through. So thought we had cracked it. Then on Tuesday night and again last night, she got totally hysterical again to the point of gagging. She ended up downstairs with us until she fell asleep on the sofa.

Any ideas????

We went through the same with our daughter and even now at 5 it's still a bit of a struggle but for different reasons. Is it not around 2.5 that children start getting afraid of the dark and also, as their imaginations develop they may start to imagine all sorts of horrors outside the bedroom window etc Have you asked her to talk to you about why she is upset, beyond not wanting you to leave her alone?

We are really lucky that she was a very advanced talker and we could already have a full conversation with her well before she was 2.
We have asked her in numerous ways why she doesn't want to sleep in her room and her answer every time, irrespective of how we ask is: " I just don't want to" or "I want to be with you mummy".
I obviously don't want to put ideas in her head, like asking her if she is scared of anything or similar, so
We were worried about a fear of the dark, but she does have a small night light (same one she has had since birth).
So, still unsure how to proceed - she screams SO loud and she wakes our DS (5½yrs) up too and I don't want it to impact him too much as he has school to go to the next day.
Oh the joys!!!

When my daughter says this to me (even now) I try to explain gently to her that Mummy has grown-up things to do after she has gone to bed and that her grown-up 'job' to do is try very hard to be brave and get off to sleep so she feels nice and fresh for the morning. I have to re-iterate over and over to her that I am just at the bottom of the stairs if she needs me, she is safe etc but in the end I have to be firm as I have spent too many evening sitting in her bedroom til 9 or whatever waiting for her to fall off to sleep. So to that end, I tell her she can get out of bed to go to her bookshelf only but that she is not allowed to leave the room without permission and constant shouting downstairs will result in the door being closed. I know it seems harsh, but it never gets to that stage.

Thanks for your messages binkleandflip. I have no qualms about being firm but it simply isn't working with her. She knows I have grown up jobs to do but she sits in the corner of her bed screaming hysterically until she is sick. It isn't a pretend scream either, it is a real gut-wrenching scream, with huge tears and it takes her a good 15 minutes to get back to normal even if I bring her downstairs. It makes no difference if the door is open or shut - I pull it to so it minimises the noise for my son.
So in this case it isn't a case of telling her she can't leave the room or anything - it is the hysterical crying that results in vomiting that is the main issue. Any other ideas???

An update about this evening and also a bump for the evening crew.
She was very unhappy about going to bed in her room again tonight but I carried on anyway. After a couple of minutes, the hysterical crying ensued with gagging etc as per the previous nights. Eventually, she got out of her bed and sat by her door getting more and more distressed. I went to see if she had actually been sick (it sounded as though she had but she hadn't) said nothing and she just clung to my legs.
Eventually, when she calmed down a bit, I gently laid her back in her bed and said I would sit in her room.
I sat near her door, so she could just about see me, but said nothing and didn't touch her at all.
After about 5 mins, she was asleep so I covered her up and left her.
I guess unless anyone has a brainwave, I will pursue this tactic, but gradually withdraw myself until she is okay again.

So, has any of the evening crew got a better plan for me!!!

My dd also used to scream herself sick - it was gutwrenching to witness, afterwards she used to be so exhausted that she would drop off anyway. I dont know what else to suggest but to stick at it really and as she gets older it maybe that she can help to calm herself before sleep and actuall enjoy being in her bedroom with her books or whatever...anyway I wish you good luck

have coincidentally just got the Mumsnet developmental email about 2.5 year olds - as my DD is 2.5 today. it says 'Restlessness at night is common and may be due to her being anxious about saying good night to you and you leaving her. This is partly to do with her growing realisation that she is a separate person, which you can imagine is a pretty heavy concept to get to grips with'. Sounds like this may be what it is with your DD?

We've had this off and on with DD since I was about 7 months pregnant (DS is now 13 weeks) and I've had to do the gradual withdrawal thing - seems to be the only thing that worked. We got to the stage when I could go in and she'd immediately lie down, then I'd be able to leave straightaway - she also wanted the door left open for a while. Currently she's waking up in the middle of the night (Infuriating as baby DS sleeps through!) and I do think she's a bit frightened and just wants to know that I will come in and see her. I think you just have to stick with something that reassures her. DD goes through phases - she'll sleep fine for a few weeks and then it all starts up again. Being firm/controlled crying of any sort simply doesn't work with her AT ALL.

hmm, sorry, no useful advice, but sympathy!

Hi MrsJohnCusack
Sounds like that is what is causing it all then. Think I will go for the gradual withdrawal too - controlled crying has never worked for her and I don't want her to be sick every night. When my hDH and I were talking about it last night, we realised our 5½ year old went through a similar thing at the same age - I was pregnant at the time and had SPD so made the mistake of just bringing him in with us every night and that took a long time to undo. But I guess I will carry on the sitting in the room and gradually build up to going out - it is definitely reassurance she wants from me.
Thanks again x

I found it helped when we went through something similar at the same age to get DD a brighter nightlight and a new soft toy. I let her choose it, we talked about it keeping her company at night, 'mustn't cry or you'll wake Snobbles up,' etc etc, made Snobbles the bedtime guardian

I also used to say to DD, when her lip was wobbling at bedtime, 'If you promise to be good and go to sleep soon, I'll leave you with a book/whatever to look at in bed'... Suspect it gave her a feeling of satisfaction that she'd wrested a concession from me

And say if you go to sleep nice and quietly I'll come back and check on you very soon

it should be easier for him to grasp as he's such a good communicator

I had exactly the same thing just under 2.5 very recently. Also have SPD so just gave in and lt uim in with us.

Managed to undo it by moving him inot his 'bg boys bed' with Thomas duvet. He is now really excited because he loves Thomas so much.

I don't know what we would have doen if it hadn't been conincidental with him moving out of his cot. He would not get into his cot at all.

He still tries to persuade me to let him slepp in Mummy's bed but it is in his nice persuasive voice rather thatn a tantrum.

Have you tried a new duvet set with one of her favourite characters on?

Apologies for the confusion - it is my DD who is the problem - realised I kept typing DS in my 1st post!!

We decorated her room a few months back and she chose everything so that wouldn't help in this case. I have tried telling her if she is good and goes to sleep nicely, I will come back to check on her soon but that didn't wash with her either.
I spoke to my Health visitor and she suggested a sticker chart as she is bright and should grasp the idea. So on the first night, it worked. She went to bed, problem-free (about 3 weeks ago) and then in the morning, I had made a chart on the PC, printed it out and had bought some sparkly stickers for it. She was very proud to put the first sticker on the chart. I then went out to hang out some laundry and by the time I got back, she'd artistically placed every single sticker over her chart!!! Clearly she didn't quite get it. When I explained that she only got a sticker when she went to bed calmly and slept in her bed nicely, she simply said she didn't need to do that any more as she had all the stickers already!!

Sorry about the confusion of using DS plus lots of references to she/her. My problem sleeper is my youngest, my daughter!