13mth and still no sleep through - feel am failing - please help

[AxelF]

I don't want to go into the long details of my dd sleepless patterns, except to say we are still not sleeping through. My dd is unwell currently so is even worse then usual - plus we are inbetween homes and staying with my dp family so dont want to leave dd for a sec to cry (fil goes to bed v early). We are tired and becoming lazy putting dd almost straight into our bed but this does not seem to have cured anything, except don't have to physically get up to soothe her. Also means my dh sleeps on the sofa which isn't comfy either. Our new place wont be ready for the next 6weeks and dont think we can face carrying on like this. I gave up on NCSS when we moved as thought it pointless trying anything till in new house but now think I need to do something, as patients is running quite scarily low, my eyes sting most days and I always feel like I will fall asleep when i have to go on the motorway (I also shook baby too nard once as was getting soo angry. I hate this side of me and wont do it again but the lack of sleep is driving me crazy. DH and I both work full time and dd goes to nursery. Can anyone suggest some quick results without screams - dd has v good lungs on her.

No solutions Axel, but much sympathy and big hugs coming your way. please keep posting for support - it's helping me a lot.

There is nothing wrong with co-sleeping if that makes life any easier at all, do you have space to put a single bed next your bed so there is more room? Could you really try and tire her out before bed. Is there somewhere you could go for a walk or run about in the evening. Alternatively could you put on a cd of children's stories or calming music she could listen to whilst lying next to you so she can concentrate on that and hopefully doze off. Is she just going to be too early? my daughter goes to bed at between 9 and 10pm and wakes between about 6 and 7am if she goes to bed any earlier then she wakes up at 4 am. that early morning broken sleep is a killer, I learnt that lesson quickly. I guess the other thing I can think of is food related. Is there anything that she eats that could make her not sleep, food colourings or additives etc?

I know my brother didn't sleep a lot, only ever slept about 5 hours a night until he was a teenager, but my mum is the same so was less of an issue that it could have been.

can you define 'usual' and 'even worse than usual'? How often - and is it feed to sleep or some other way you soothe her? Given ILs situation I can see why you'll need a 'softly softly' solution.

Someone I know swears that taking her baby swimming produces really good nights. best of luck anyway.

DS only started sleeping through reliably at 15 months when we discovered that exercise was the key. If we got him sufficiently knackered, he slept. If we didn't, he didn't.

We also have a completely non-negotiable bedtime routine, and limit naps ruthlessly.

Swimming is good for tiring out - especially once we started DS on lessons, which mean that he has to work in the water, rather than just be towed around by a mummy who, frankly, didn't need tiring out in the same way in order to sleep.

sympathy to you axel, it's so hard without sleep.
I would say wait till you move to your new house as I think even the most established routines are messed up by staying at someone else's house. But 6 weeks is a long time for you to cope and for your dh to sleep on sofa.

But you are NOT failing, my dds didn't sleep through till they were two and a half and i know many many people whose kids were the same. Now they sleep all night and I have to wake them up for school.

Have you tried giving dd something to eat just before bed, i used to give wheatabix or porridge.

How many times does she wake in the night? Are you bf?

Is she having an afternoon nap that you could cut out?

DD usually wakes for us to give her her dummy back (it sounds ridiculous doesnt it), she cant be bothered or is too sleepy to look for it herself. Sometimes though she will cry with her dummy as wants a cuddle to get back to sleep with. last night dh put dd to bed as I didnt have the patience (but this is v rare and came after my putting my foot down). We then had to answer her screams what seams like every 20 minutes. Once I was in the bed (next to her cot she was okay. During the night I think I gave her the dummy back and just some back rubbing 4 or so times. DD has home cooked meals with veggies so no additives and a bottle jst before bed but I then just sit and cuddle her till she goes off. If being very difficult I will rock/walk her. bedtime routine takes about 30-40 minutes. DH and I are also arguing now as both shattered which isnt helping either.

...Also dd has 2 naps in the day totalling about 1-2 hours and nursery usually tire them out. I asked the nursery to introduce a 2nd nap as dd was falling into a deep sleep on new long 30min route home without it and being impossible once we got in (would not eat, v clingey and grumpy). Might have to try dropping this again though?

oh, it sounds so hard - reading your post took me back to when my dd1 was that age. No, waking for the dummy doesn't sound ridiculous - it's exactly what my dd used to do. If I were you I would try to cut back on the afternoon nap but only if you can avoid her falling asleep on the way home from nursery.

I'm really stuck to suggest anything else with you being stuck all in one room as guests at your in-laws, it sounds like she is a little unsettled by the temporary arrangments. IMO any attempt to put in place a new routine would involve(some at least) screaming.

In the short term can you get any sleep during the day? at the weekend maybe you and your dh could take her out so you could get a full afternoon's sleep?

Thanks hellish its nice to know its not just me. I agree with you and think its pointless trying anything major until we are in the new house (that's why its so hard). I am thinking of handing dd the dummy during the night and telling her to replace it herself as she does this in the daytime when upset. I am hoping she might learn to start looking for it herself. What do you reckon? I also think she has found the move hard, as I have and I think she picks up on this . To make things worse I am probably going to start staying at My mums too as need to be a bit more of my own family time.

My dd3 never slept through the night until i gave her porridge (made with milk) before her bedtimebottle.

She would never eat more dinner,but at about7 we give her porridge ( and it amazed us how much she ate) and then a bottle before bed at about 7.45-8pm.

She now sleeps11-12 hours through.

Try it,you have nothing to lose.

Ok not sure if this helps but is your DD in her own room? DS has slept through perfectly since he moved to his own room and we now do post bath wind down in there as well (at least half an hour to 45 mins) which helps us put him straight to bed no whimpering. I realise this might not be practical until you're in your new place though. The other thing is that he has lots of dummies in his cot, not just one, so that there's always one nearby when he reaches out in the night. You may already do all of this but it's worked for us so worth a try if you don't.

hmm, I find sleep breeds sleep - decent naps stop them getting overtired, and overtiredness often contributes to restless sleep.

I'd suggest you try to eke out at least one night each when you and your dh sleep away from the baby. the problem with baby-related sleep deprivation is it is cumulative and relentless, to the point where yu can't think straight.

Have you considered sleeping with her in another part of the house (eg front room) so you're not so likely to wake your dh/fil? As a temporary measure, it might help the 'transition' if you want to gradually become less available at night,

On the bright side - it doesn't sound like you're feeding at night.

Dummies - my dd used to go to bed with half a dozen.

I used to put my dd down with a bottle of juice in her cot, that she could sip from at night. I'm sure there are lots of reasons why that's a no-no - but it is what we did

She's in your room, right? It may help if you think of all the ways you settle her, and try only to use the things that you can do on 'auto pilot' without waking up. So try to stick to settling her in her cot without waking her up. I found I developed the 'midnight dummy replacement reflex'

Much sympathy! Sleep deprivation bends the mind and makes the world go grey.

mumto3 I would try that but we dont tend to have dinner until about 7 anyway and she eats well. but I will also try to add a few dummies into her cot. thanks

hi kif just read this thanks. i will definately get some more dummies (think dd has hid them all around the house, as always finds them herself). I am actually thinking of spending one night at my mums without her so I can get atleast 1 good nights sleep. my mum is an hour away but surely worth it. I hate the thought of leaving her though so not sure? Also we cant sleep in the living room really as mil gets up at about 5am! I will try to keep her in her cot though as getting into our bed is no fun and she squirms around and no one gets any sleep.

what's your mum like?

Hows about going to your mums for - say - five days, and getting your mum to do the nights? If you figure out a plan, then ask your mum to stick to it, you could get some rest yourself and perhaps improve your dd sleep habits. She might be more accepting of it from a different person - and your mum might have more stamina to see the plan thorugh.

Depends on what your mums like though!

mums great but she definately wont be up for the night shift full time! (or do u mean just for 5 nights) I can just imagine her face. My mum works full time too so it would not be fare. However since being so tired she said she would do the odd night so i can have some sleep. I also think dd will be on of those defiant babies. Sorry i dont mean to be pessimistic its just so hard.

I did mean just for five nights - I see one of your main problems being that you're unable to 'negotiate' with your dd at night time for feasr of waking ILs/DH. It might take only a couple of nights to give your dd the message that rocking is out/you'll give dummy to her hand not her mouth/you won't pick her up/ whatever it is you want to stop doing.

I may try and stay at my mums while i start that as she is more tolerant of crying (just in case).

if se doesn't have dinner til 7 what timedoes she have lunch? Perhaps it might be possble that she could eat more in between meals? Just a thoug...dd3 certainly sleeps better after physical exercise an when full!!