unhappy 3.5 month old - waking at 5am, not adjusting to earlier bedtime and fighting naps

[tiredmum12345]

Help! I have a very unhappy 3.5 month old at the moment. I have tried making some adjustments to her schedule (moving the bedtime earlier, trying to draw out her wakeup time in the morning, and having a slightly more rigid feeding schedule) to help with her difficult napping during the day, but one week in to these adjustments, she continues to scream much more than usual (when she can't fall asleep and every time she wakes up she is screaming), smiles much less when awake and still doesn't seem to have settled into the new rhythm at all. I have a number of questions at the end, but first a bit of context if helpful.

She slept relatively well at night since the beginning. We used to put her down around 930-1030 for the first couple months as we didn't realise that bedtimes for infants are normally earlier. She would then sleep until about 5am, wake up for a calm feed and then would go down again for another 3 hour sleep or so. After that during the day has always been a bit of a mess - we would have to rock her to sleep, she would go down for 30 minute naps and then wake up and have to be rocked again to sleep (sometimes rocking for 20 minutes, sometimes for up to 60 with no success). We basically spend more time trying to get her to sleep during the day than her sleeping.

After reading more, we realised that she should go to bed much earlier and we hoped this would help with her naps. We have been putting her to bed the last week around 7-730, but she resists going to sleep so it can take her up to 45-60 minutes to fall asleep some nights (she always resists every nap as well since she was about one month old) and then she wakes up - sometimes 45 minutes later, sometimes 1.5 hours as she doesn't seem to realise it is her night sleep. I have occasionally fed her when she wakes up because in the day she has been very upset most of the week and not feeding well, so I have worried that she is hungry, but then she still has had only a half feed so i'm sure that is sending mixed signals and will try not to anymore. I have then gotten her up every night this week for a dream feed at 1030-1045pm in the hopes that she will drag out her 5am wake up to 7am. But she now stirs more in the night, complaining briefly every hour or two from 2am but being satisfied by the dummy. Then from 5am she is on the edge of waking up from 5am, so I have tried popping in her dummy and shhhhhing her which most mornings have gotten me until 640am or so when her eyes are wide open and I feed her because she screams if I don't. But my impression is that the quality of sleep from 5am is not good. I am then at a loss as to when to put her down again for her first morning. I have been looking for her sleep cues since she was born and still fail to detect them. I have tried putting her down about 1.25 hours after waking and she goes to sleep faster than during later naps, but then she wakes up again after 45 minutes looking tired and it is a struggle to put her down again - most days she tries, but fails to fall asleep again and some days she just becomes hysterical after trying for a bit. I wonder if we should put her down later? Some sources have said that the first awake time should be the shortest, but when she wakes up crabby after 45 minutes and it is still 2 hours till her next feed I don't know what to do with her because she is not in a good mood!

For reference, historically, I fed her around every four hours as she is in the 85th percentile for her age and was sometimes content to go 5 hours, but sometimes I have fed her after 3 hours because she was used to feeding when she wakes up and is very upset if she doesn't. I'm not sure if I should ignore this - after three hours it can be possible, but at 5am for instance, I worry that she must be hungry. This week in addition to shifting her bedtime and awake time, I tried to follow a more strict feeding schedule to introduce more structure (wavering only by 15 minutes before or after 7am 11am 3pm 6-630pm and then 1030-11pm).

Her vaccinations may also be contributing to her fussiness the last couple days, but not the whole week. We started this new schedule on Sunday. On thursday she had her 12-week vaccinations which based on our experience with her 8 week vaccinations, is likely contributing to her fussiness.

Lastly, historically we would rock her to sleep because she would scream and become fully awake when we put her in the crib drowsy but awake, but in the last couple weeks I have found my rocking her is less and less effective. I tried putting her down in the crib on wednesday when she didn't fall asleep in my arms and she started chatting to herself, turning her head away from me and then after 25-30 minutes falling asleep. occasionally shhhhing would help, occasionally putting my hand on her belly, but most of the time she did it on her own with me sitting next to her crib (and sometimes even with me out of the room and coming in to pop in the dummy every few minutes).

For reference, we swaddle her, her crib vibrates back and forth and has white noise. Her room is relatively quiet (though she is very noise sensitive). Before bed, the wind down routine involves one type of massage movement and then singing a song while putting her in the crib and looking at her, then three kisses. Sometimes, this is enough and she turns her head to the side and tries to go to sleep (and manages within 15 minutes). Sometimes she yelps at the ceiling / chatters to her self and only turns her head to the side to try to sleep later (taking 25-30 min in total to fall asleep).

So I recognise we have had a lot of changes for her this week, more than we should have, and I am just not sure where to go from here as I don't want to her to suffer further and unnecessarily.

My main questions for which I would be eternally grateful for your advice:

1. How soon after waking in the morning should we put her down for her morning nap? Should we adjust this if she did not sleep well the night before? or if she wakes up early in spite of my efforts (e.g. at 5)?
2. How can we help her to adjust to the new earlier bedtime? What do we do if she wakes up after being put down and is screaming hysterically if we try to put her back to bed?
3. Is my strategy of (a) feeding her earlier in the evening (b) then adding a dreamfeed and (c) then trying to stretch out her wakeup time with the dummy and shhhhing an effective one for teaching her to waking up closer to 7 instead of 5?
4. At what point should we give up putting her back to sleep when she wakes up from a nap? I am concerned that she doesn't get enough play time and happy time with us because it feels like we spend most of the day trying to sleep. But she always seems tired so I can't tell when we should give up trying to put her to sleep? After a certain amount of sleep? Or a certain number of minutes before her next feed?
5. What do we do if she wakes up early from her nap, is crabby and expects to eat because that is our wake-up routine, but it is still 1-2 hours early?
6. If she wakes up early from her nap, should we feed her at the regular time but then put her down sooner than usual ? I am concerned if we do this then she continues to wake up early from the next nap and will be eternally unhappy that she doesn't get food when waking.

Thank you in advance for sharing your wisdom!

I'm sorry I didn't read the whole post but just wanted to say that neither of my children had a bedtime until after 6 months. They dozed with us downstairs until then until we went to bed. We didn't have any kind of a set routine and just went with the flow, fed on demand and they napped on demand. If they were really groggy and obviously needed a nap I'd take them out in the pram or for a drive.

Not sure if you can change the 5am awake time. My youngest is 16 Months, he's asleep by 7pm and never sleeps later than 6am but it's usually closer to 5. That's just his natural wake up time.

Wow, OP I think - with the best will in the world - you need to take a breath. You sound like you’re doing an amazing job, but your baby is still only tiny! Let her sleep and feed when she wants, she’s is far too young to have any kind of routine yet. The best advice I can give is to follow her lead, and you will settle into her routine over time.

I would say at that age DD didn’t go to bed until we did.
They don’t need a set early bedtime until they over 6 months.
Until then children should be with you anyway.

I wonder if you might find this article helpful OP - sarahockwell-smith.com/2017/07/24/the-rollercoaster-of-real-baby-sleep/
Otherwise, I would say chuck away the books, ignore the internet, and just pay attention to what your baby and your instincts are telling you.

I agree with PP. We have a 14 week old and just go with the flow. He's gradually starting to go down for the night between 9-9.30 and was sleeping through til 6 but only until 4.30 the last two nights. He's fed when he's hungry, sometimes that every 4 hours but he's just started a wonder week so now it's a bit more often and increased in size of bottles. We don't worry about a routine at the moment. He's starting nursery in September so I'm sure he'll work into their routine when he gets there.

Sorry op but I agree with pp. This is way too much routine for a tiny baby. Stop forcing her to have naps if she isn't tired. Babies wake up early, that's just something you have to tolerate. My 4 month old wakes up at 5:30 every day now, so I get up with him, that's how parenting works. You will be tired

Also, I would consider feeding on demand if I were you. Do you always eat at set times of the day? Or do you sometimes have a snack if you're peckish between meals? If you eat when hungry, why are you not giving your baby the same freedom?

I would agree with PPs and also say if you do want to try changing sleep times you need to do it in small chunks making it earlier by 15 min every two of three nights and adjusting slowly. Also you may just have to resign yourself to an early riser. Mine was a 5am boy until he was at least 3.5yrs! He's still a 6am boy now at age 7! Good luck

I second the advice to read Sarah Ockwell Smith. Your baby is far too young to be trying to impose all these routines. Listen to your baby -and your instinct and go with the flow.

Thanks so much for your reactions! I'm very happy to give up on the later wake time if that's unrealistic - good to know.

I like the Sarah Ockwell Smith article as well - thanks for sharing :)

As for when she should go to bed and when she should nap, I guess I struggle with the 'follow your baby' advice because most of the time I can't figure out what she wants. They say certain signs suggest she is tired like turning away, yawning, etc, but she does these from the moment she wakes up to the moment she goes to sleep. She'll turn away, then she'll make good eye contact a few minutes later for instance. Or some say that their cries differ depending on what they want, but I must be tone deaf because I honestly can't tell. I can't tell if she is hungry because she is always ready to eat, but I only learn when the feed ends after half the time that she was only taking a snack because it was there and something else must be bothering her. As she sometimes goes 5-6 hours without crying to eat, that's why I thought 4 hours would be reasonable - and she tends to eat well at that time if all is calm and quiet. But for the rest, I have no idea and my mother's instinct seems to be in hiding.

Honestly @tiredmum12345 cut yourself some slack, you’re both getting to know each other, 3.5 months is no time at all! So much of being a parent is guesswork, you just have to keep trying and see what works (I used to try nappy/feed/sleep/cuddle - if all else fails go for a walk!) I was never great at picking up feeding cues either - I look back at videos of my DS and think ‘he’s hungry!’ but I couldn’t see it then. But, we made it through (he’s now 2) and I like to think I’ll know more for the next one!

Generally I think after 4 months babies tend to settle into a bit more of a predictable pattern, so if you hang on in there she is likely to become a bit more settled. Have you tried a sling or carrier? I found that really helpful in the day, as I could just carry DS and get on with my day to some extent, and he just napped when he was ready - so it takes the focus off trying to ‘get them down’ for a nap and maybe makes it less stressful.

The Sarah Ockwell-Smith Gentle Sleep book is fab at helping you understand what is ‘normal’ and what to expect. Also have you got any good baby groups near you - maybe NCT or similar - that are run by knowledgeable volunteers? They might be able to help you out with some ideas (or just reassure you that you’re doing a fab job).

@InMemoryOfSleep thanks for your support. I have tried the baby carrier, but lately she is not happy in that either. I'm new to town so trying to build up a network of new parents - I'm sure it will come with time :) I'll check our Sarah Ockwell Smith's book - sounds great! Thanks again :)

We used to put her down around 930-1030 for the first couple months as we didn't realise that bedtimes for infants are normally earlier.

Erm, what?

DD slept midnight till noon.

I didn’t read the full post but you’re hurtling towards the 4 month sleep regression. Being “strict” about anything is just madness when it’s all change.