Sleep training after controlled crying failed!

[claire61]

I really felt I had to share some sleep training which seems to work for us!

Background:DD 2, 2y 5m, has been ok sleeper to about 18 months, but then became clingy to mummy, woke in night, needed me to stay with her to fall asleep (up to an hour).. tried controlled crying (worked for dd1) but she was absolutely not having it. She cried for literally hours, and I just knew it wasn't going to work... Had seen how effective it was with dd1 would dd2 just totally different!

So... In desperation I started watching clips of superman you online! She did a version of 'gradual withdrawal' that was somewhere in between the gradual reduction of contact (which I just didn't feel would work for us...partly my patience and partly dd2) and controlled crying.

I talked to her during the day about how she would be sleeping in her own bed, by herself, big girl etc etc... Then I did normal, predictable bedtime routine. Then I put her in bed, said 'night night darling, love you' and went and sat with my back to her in the door way. The first time she got up I took her back and said 'ingo bed now, it's time to sleep' and any time she got up following that, I just put her back in without eye contact or speaking at all. In one of the supernanny videos a poor woman took 2 hours to settle her kids... I was fully prepared for it to take that long but it didn't! 35 mins! Out of that there was a maximum of 5 mins serious crying...maybe 15 mins whinging and the rest just angry! Then she lay in her bed, repeated 'im tired mummy' a few times (which was very cute, and nearly got me!) and then fell asleep...

Obviously the real test is how long she sleeps tonight for and if she wakes, but I was really not expecting it to work so well, so just had to share! Wish me luck it all continues to go smoothly 😬😬! And good luck to you all trying to solve sleep problems! It has been the single biggest challenge of parenthood for me by an absolute mile!

And good luck to you all trying to solve sleep problems

Your child doesn't have a sleep problem. She is a normal toddler.

That may be true, but it's a problem for me (and her!) if she can't fall asleep by herself!x

I watched that episode where it took hours and hours, god I felt for that mum!
So glad it’s worked so far for you, fingers crossed!

Thank you! I have everything crossed 🙏🤞🏻

That may be true, but it's a problem for me (and her!) if she can't fall asleep by herself!x

Let's agree to disagree then, eh.

Out of interest, do you disagree with the method I have used?

I disagree that not being able to self settle is a problem that needs to be trained out of babies. It might be a problem/inconvenient for you, but it's actually incredibly normal, natural behaviour and the more we say it's a 'problem' the more people feel their babies aren't behaving normally when in actual fact they are. Each to their own and all that,

You say your daughter became 'clingy' at 18 months. This is prime separation anxiety time and I just find it sad you refer to this as a problem rather than a normal part of her development.

But, as I said, each to their own. Not my circus, not my monkeys. Good luck if you feel this is the right thing for you.

We also used a supernanny sleep method with our 18 month old. Before we had to rock him to sleep and gently lay him down. He would wake three or four times and by 3am he would end up sleeping in our bed.
We did the one where you put them down then leave for 2 minutes and go back in, then 4 minutes, 6 etc up to 15 minutes. After three nights it was like we had a different child. I could have cried with relief!

I understand your point of view. To give a bit more information, she would also wake regularly during night and not go back to sleep, just wriggle, squirm, cry, tantrum, etc... Nothing I would do could settle her, she would just eventually work her way out of it. I do see it as a problem, because she needs to sleep, and I feel it is my job as her mother to help her learn how to do that. Learning isn't always easy...but it does need to be done. My 4 yo prefers me to dress her than to do it herself, but I make her do it because she needs to learn. Sometimes she cries about it. I don't feel bad, because I adore her and I look after her in every possible way.

You may not have intended to, but you have really out a downer on my feeling of success tonight! Not because I have any guilt whatsoever about the path I have chosen, but because you couldn't just keep your opinion to yourself and get on with your own monkeys and your own bloody circus. If you really believe in 'live and let live' then keep you negative views about someone else's family to yourself.
Humph

Thanks craftymum! That worked a treat with dd1 but not so with dd2! Glad it worked for you 😊 love a bit of supernanny!xx

Good for you OP- it’s not about making our children upset it’s about being their parent. They need sleep, we need sleep!
Fingers x it keeps working and gets easier.

🙋🏻‍♀️😊

You can humph all you like but don't post on a public forum and expect people to 'keep their views to themselves'.

Well done fingers crossed she has a good night's sleep!

Ok 😘❤️💕😍😻

Thanks elbob 😊

Self- settling to sleep is developmental not an inconvenience

🙄

Bravo, OP. I know what it's like to turn around a sleep problem and it's such a relief.

Isn't it! Thanks 😊 only problem now is, I'm lying in bed waiting for her to wake up 🤣🤦🏻‍♀️ think I'll have to sleep train myself too!x

I bet all the negative posters have babies that have slept through from the beginning 😁
Well done OP, fingers crossed!

Good luck OP hope the rest of the night goes smoothly and it sticks.

We did some sleep training with DD at 6 months because the wakeups were becoming unsustainable. People telling me it’s normal to wake up 8-10 times a night and want to feed constantly through the night is “normal” wasn’t helpful. The same baby happily sleeps with 1-2 wakeups at night now and is progressing developmentally by leaps and bounds since getting more quality rest as well. I think people do love martyring themselves with tbe view that everything is “normal” and keep suggesting co-sleeping which always involves the male partner sleeping in a spare room! 🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️

Completely agree! Just riles me they feel they need to weigh in when I wasn't asking for advice on what to do, just trying to share my happiness on something that worked and help others who might be thinking of something else to try!

Update - she slept soundly til 5am! I kept returning her to bed as before (even though I wasn't sure if she was still tired 😬) but after 5-10 mins she was fast asleep again and didn't wake up til....wait for it...8am! This is a child that usually wakes between 5:30-6:30 and is grumpy as a result!

I am delighted. I know it's the best the for us all 😍💕

claire61 the method your describe is controlled crying isn't it? That's exactly what I did when I used Richard Ferber's controlled crying method 17 years ago with DS. Controlled crying is not leaving your baby or toddler to just scream it out unattended for hours & hours & hours.

Anyhow, even if you did misunderstand controlled crying, I'm glad you found something that worked. It worked for me too & for DS, who I'm delighted to at nearly 19 years old doesn't remember or hold a grudge for me helping him to sleep all night!

Hi Margo... yes I did cc with dd1 where I left the room for set periods of time and returned to settle at intervals... I also followed Ferber's book (bless that man!) This slightly different in that I stayed in the room, and just returned her to bed with no talking or eye contact... Whatever it's called I'm delighted it worked! And also great to hear your grown up child is well adjusted and doesn't hate you 🤣🤣 I had a suspicion it wouldn't be a problem! 😊😊