Exhausted, anxious, beaten. Not how I expected being a mum to be.

[Catheroooo]

Mummy to my very much loved nearly 8 month old girl. First 6 months were hell. Woke hourly even when co sleeping. Naps on me. Broke me so we sleep trained. First few weeks she slept so well. Ever since she wakes anything between 30 minutes to 1.5 hours after bed. Some nights we get a stretch 11-3 but mostly waking every 3-3.5 hours.

She's a light sleeper. We recently stayed in a holiday cottage and had to share a room. She woke as soon as I opened the door, even though I was so quiet. We couldn't leave the window open in the hot weather as cars in the road woke her.

No matter what I do, she will not sleep longer than 30 mins in the car or buggy. I try to prioritise her sleep at home but as we are napping 2 sometimes 3 times a day it's hard. However I feel like life has stopped. We had been invited to camp with some friends but there's no way she could sleep. The zip of the tent would wake her or even noise from other campers. So we compromised and visited then for the day. Despite leaving at nap time where she sleeps for 1.5 hours she woke after 30 mins. She slept for 20 mins or so as we walked whilst in a sling, but woke when I sat. On the way home she was so tired but again woke after 30 mins then cried for the last 20 mins of the journey. She hardly feeds all day as is so distracted by anything (tried darkened rooms etc but this is impossible when out). So she feeds mostly at night.

She's weaning but it is slow.

I'm just broken. I worry about whether I'm meeting her needs constantlybut equally I can't stay in my house all day everyday. I so wanted a family but just feeling a sense of life is over.

I'm constantly searching online for reassuring stories of people with similar experiences. Today I can't across the baby whispered personality categories and she does seem to fit the touchy baby. I'm terrified that this is going to be the way for a long time and whilst I will get through it, I'm worried what the resulting family will be like as I just feel a shell of my for her self.

I love my little girl but please tell my life will get enjoyable soon!

What you tried white noise at all? I’m not saying it would be a miracle cure but my DS is a light sleeper and was terrible when he was younger. The white noise drowns out the background. He still only sleeps 40 mins ish in the pram or car but like a champ in his own cot. We use the same track from Spotify on repeat for all sleeps including all night, loud.

Could be something new to try?

Thank you all for replying. It's good to know I'm not alone.

I'm hoping she will turn out super bright and make the big bucks... it will help pay for the plush mental institution I will be sat rocking in!!

I just hate feeling tied to the house... but if we go out all day she is so tired and grumpy it makes the day stressful anyway! But people just don't understand if I say no to things. Next year I want to go camping in Wales and hoping at 18 months things for her will have changed a lot but I also know they might not have. 5 hours in the car sounds horrific at the moment, but guess we might be able to then help her as she might like to watch cartoons etc on a tablet, plus she will hopefully be down to one nap...

I just feel so hopeless and exasperated at times.

You poor thing.

I could have written your post about two of my three. I promise you, they all sleep in the end. Do your very best to stay sane, I really feel for you.

Sending you sympathy and solidarity... my 6 month old had got much better (we'd settled into 2 wakes a night and a 5.30 start for a month or so, which felt blissful) but the last week or so we're back to being up every hour. It is incredibly draining - but his first 6 months have taught me that everything is a phase and everything can suddenly change. Here's hoping this phase ends soon for both of us.

Having a baby who is so unadaptable is really difficult, do you have much family around so you and your other half can take an afternoon and have a bit of a break? Always makes me feel revitalised to cope with DS. Do you have any local baby groups you can go to that fit around nap times? I normally squeeze in a couple a week, even if we just go for half an hour it gets me out of the house and makes me feel like I'm helping him socialise and get some external stimulation

Thank you.

She is such a snacker on boob I rarely leave her as worry she'll get hungry whilst I'm out. Plus she doesn't settle well for naps for anyone else not to mention if she's in a different house....

I have baby groups but they are always on at naptime. When I used to go I always say the samethings and worry they just think I'm a moaning myrtle which they probably don't but even I'm bored of hearing the samethings come out of my mouth!

I have had two like this (third was completely textbook and a revelation!). My advice to you based on very, very similar sounding children, trying everything, and knowing many other mums with good and bad sleepers would be:

1. you either get a baby who sleeps, or you don’t. Do not spend another minute thinking you are doing anything wrong. People who think their amazing sleep routine is the reason their baby slept 12 hrs from eight weeks are, I’m afraid, wrong. The baby would have done that anyway. This is proven by the fact that so many people who swear by Gina Ford with DC1 find that it didn’t work at all with DC2. And plenty of people with demand fed babies with no routine also have great sleepers. It’s genes and luck!

2. do everything you can to prioritise YOUR sleep. Get every 30 minute nap you can, when baby is asleep or you have help around. Take all the lie-ins you can when your partner can get up with the baby. Let the house go to shit for a while I MEAN IT. Your sanity depends on getting some sleep. Having a sane and happy mother is the best thing for your baby so switch your efforts from her sleep (which at the moment you can’t control) to yours, using any practical solution possible.

3. eight months is very little, this will change with time, I promise. In a few months she’ll most likely naturally learn to settle between cycles and have longer stretches.

4. remember that many, many people have bad sleepers, it’s normal. But because it’s not socially acceptable to complain and everyone feels they hace to look like a perfect mother, not many people admit it in RL. You’ll mostly hear from the “what she’s not sleeping througb by six weeks?!” brigade, who will make you feel shit. Ignore, ignore, ignore...

I promise you it’ll get better, hang in there x

Oh and I’m a total “sleep bore” and I don’t care. I’m effing exhausted

p.s when I mean textbook, DC3 still woke every 3-4 hours until 18 months. I’m still amazed by this 7pm-7am expectation people seem to have (and even more amazed when someone claims to have one of these magical babies )

Thank you. Honestly these have made me cry with relief knowing I'm not alone.

I will try and accept that it is what it is. I think I'm almost grieving the maternity leave I imagined vs the hellish reality it is. And then I feel so guilty for it. I love her with all I have but there's a bit if he, or a lot of me, that just wants my old life back.

I keep trying to tell myself that this will pass and hopefully in the not so distant future we will be that happy family I imagined.

OP I've been there and I really feel for you

I'm not going to give you time lines for my two because when I was in the thick of it...the concept of one more night of it was soul destroying ...so if someone told me it was another 6 months it would nearly kill me

All I can say is I promise you it does get better and sometimes all you can do is literally hang in there...take the pressure of you when you can and try not to give yourself too much of a hard time

You are not failing her I absolutely promise you ....i can remember at 6 months actually sitting on my doorstep after getting ds1 to sleep for the millionth time that night desperately looking for lights on to feel not so alone (I realised my neighbour had one the same age and was clearly up doing the same thing....i don't think she ever knew she was my "company " just because I could see she was awake too lol)

I massively struggled with frankly the boredom of being in the house,the repetition of the baby groups

The feeling if losing yourself

It gets better I absolutely promise...mine are at school and preschool now and it's so much easier than the days you're in but you will get there

Just know you are not alone and we have been there too and made it out the other side...as will you

I swear there should be more warning on the level of sleep deprivation (and the irrational rage brought by the smug mum who tells you her baby slept through since 4 weeks and never stirred....wonderful if so ...dont sodding tell an exhausted mother !!)

Two of mine slept better (and slept through the night) almost as soon as they switched to formula - one at 8 months, one at 10 months. I'm afraid the one I breastfed past a year didn't sleep through until about 2 years after the others.

Oh yes, my much loved NCT friend was reminiscing over coffee about her “idyllic” maternity leave with her DC1 the other day and I momentarily wanted to stab her with my cake fork I had such a miserable, stressful, worried and exhausted first six months, which only improved after I started counselling to deal with it. I felt robbed, so I completely understand.

However maternity with the other two was lovely in spite of still having rubbish sleep, I think because I knew what to expect and accepted I had to adapt. Still with DC3 I’d never go camping at eight or even 18 months, too much hassle! I think everyone with DC1 thinks they have to do everything and the baby should fit in. It’s really fine not to, there’s plenty of time

Thanks gettingbackonmyfeet. God I do the same! Looking for signs of life when you're up.

If I'm honest she's pretty good at night in terms of going down. She settles quickly after a feed. But the nights are so unpredictable. Never the same time waking up. I never know if its hunger or confort she needs. But then again i strongky feel boob is the answer for either so dont know why i get so caught up with it. Guess i feel like i 'should' be responding to her in a certain way (rod for own back etc), however i dont actually believe in that. People think by now my partner and i should be able to go out for an evening but as much as i would love to, i know i would firstly be anxious so wouldnt enjoy it, and also know she wants me so who am i to deny her that.

The hourly wake ups have gone(for now), and post 1am she usually wakes up one more time anytime between 3.30-5. But does go back down. It's the time after bed I struggle with. Sometimes she wakes after 30 mins, sometimes 1.5 hours. I've tried leaving her to cry but she can last a further hour or two and night after night it never gets shorter and I feel like I'm torturing her. I end up crying too. Especially as I know that 8 times out of 10 if I pop her back on boob she'll then go back to sleep for a few hours. But she feels like a ticking time bomb... a loud motorcycle or if I cough whilst passing her door she will stir. She can resettle but it's not guaranteed. So I know camping is a no go!!

The days are hardest now. I can't really leave the house except in the awake windows. Which means no nice trips to the coast like yesterday, where she catnapped for 3x30 mins ish and was miserable. I KNOW and can see she's exhausted but can't get past 30 mins. I feel like I'm a prisoner whilst she needs to nap which means another 2 years of this!

You'll get there.... my first was like this. Every 45 min for months. All night. She'd initially do a 2/3hr stretch and that was it. She honestly never slept longer than 3hrs for the first year of her life. It just about killed me and my marriage. Well 4 years later she sleeps 7-7 and baby no 2 was nowhere near as bad. I did nothing different.
Don't waste your time trying stuff....i tried everything. Just knuckle down and remember that it won't last forever.
And ignore advice given from people with sleepers... it's just your luck. My sis was all like oh I've got a bedtime routine and that's why she sleeps so well. I was like eh do you think I haven't tried that we've had a routine since 8 weeks.
Its honestly the baby and your luck. My number 2 was a dream. He slept through from the day he was born. I did nothing different.

Saw your line too about grieving your maternity leave - that's ok too. I didn't know enough babies to realise just how much I missed, but once we had a second I did have a little while of feeling quite resentful not of ds1 himself, but of knowing how much easier it could have been.
But in the end you never know what you'll get, and ds1 was my easiest toddler, while as for the NCT friend who kept saying that it would all be sorted if we had only followed Gina Ford from day 1... Well, her routine-obedient baby stayed a good sleeper and very sweet, but hated weaning, wouldn't eat on schedule and had a habit of biting other kids at nursery (and her 2nd baby never would follow the routine). We get on much better now! As DD grows you'll also see more and more of what she's great at, and you'll have more fun, and that helps too.

The first year is exhausting - it just is. Don't compare yourself to others who are out and about. Therein lies the path to madness. Try and get friends to come to you twice a week - get them to bring cake. Tell people you are struggling. Sleep when she sleeps. A year is nothing - it feels like forever but it isn't. The rhythm of your day is what it is. If you accept it and just go with it you'll find it easier. Listen to podcasts to break up the monotony and give you something to focus on other than your tiredness. Do not do housework - delegate that stuff. Really make your life simple and small and only do one thing a day. Good luck you will be fine I promise xx

Thank you. I am trying but I find it so hard not to compare!

We had a rubbish afternoon, she only wanted to nap for 25 minutes! However she's been more vocal today so hopefully her babbling is coming on as at 7 months she's pretty quiet. Maybe so.e new skills are happening.

I do think a lot of it is luck - I tried everything. Somethings would work for a bit but nothing was consistent. I think I would have been much less stressed if I'd just accepted I had two poor sleepers. And as I say, both slept through eventually, they're now 9 & 7 and there are no ill effects from it.