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Sleep

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Original poster

Have I done awful tonight?

28 replies

DieAntword · 03/08/2018 20:39

So ever since I took the cot side off it’s been hell getting my son to stay in bed. I put it back on but now he realises he can get up he just climbs out. I’ve been trying to just bring him back to bed without conversation or eye contact but he finds it hilliarous anyway. Tonight I tried 2 different sleeping bags (he climbed out with both) and when I was in a moment of insanity about to tie him to the bed and my husband stopped me we decided to use our daytime “put you in the playpen” option. He figured out how to climb out. He climbed out of our last resort!

So I did the only thing that I could think of and held him on my lap for 2 minutes in lieu of the playpen. He struggled harder than I’ve ever seen and I kept him firmly there then told him why. I told him he had to walk back to bed because I felt like carrying him was part of the reward he was looking for by getting up. He had a tantrum at the bottom of the stairs so I did it again.

Getting him to walk up the stairs was still like pulling teeth but he did it floppily after the third time. We gave him some water because he’d sweated a lot getting so worked up. He climbed into bed and then refused a kiss and cuddle from me but accepted one from his dad (he was still very upset).

I feel like a horrible person upsetting him so much but I just didn’t know how I could make him stay in bed. He hasn’t got up.

Was this a reasonable response to the situation or have I permanently traumatised my poor baby? Now he can climb out of the play pen I feel like this holding thing is my best option as a last resort but I don’t want him to start hating cuddles :(

OP posts:

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JohnLapsleyParlabane · 03/08/2018 20:41

I think it sounds reasonable. Deep breath, tea or wine or both. Tomorrow is another day.

Givemeabreak01 · 03/08/2018 20:48

I’m really sorry I don’t think that sounds reasonable.... I don’t think you should have restrained him so much.... how old is he? Is there a reason you couldn’t keep him in his room with a safety gate on and do controlled crying? Maybe try a different bed fully (toddler one) so he associates it with staying in it?

sporadicrains · 03/08/2018 20:53

I think it was a reasonable response too. You weren't upsetting him, he was doing that himself! You were consistent and didn't give in, and he has learned that he can't have it all his own way.

Oly5 · 03/08/2018 21:04

We went through this and in the end we put a stair gate across his room
and left him to it. He’d fall asleep on the carpet and we’d put him back to bed. We also give him a reward in the morning for going to bed in the actual bed. It worked.

Original poster

DieAntword · 03/08/2018 21:17

Pretty sure he could climb over any stair gate now because he can grip the bar with his feet and inch his way up, that’s how he escaped the playpen (and the landlord wouldn’t let us drill holes and I’m fairly sure he could push over a pressure fit one.

He is 25months next week.

I felt like holding him was the only way to make it clear this isn’t a game. When I was trying just taking him back to bed if I lingered in the room too long he said “now close the door, close the door first!” Because that was the first part of his new fun get out of bed and be put back in game.

OP posts:

Nannyplumshairstyle · 03/08/2018 22:02

Had a similar night here with my 19 month old.
Here. Have a glass of wine :)

Sunnybeachbabe · 03/08/2018 22:28

Sounds tough but you were consistent, well done. It'll get easier.

BifsWif · 03/08/2018 22:31

Did you hurt him?

If not then you absolutely weren’t awful. It will get easier

Original poster

DieAntword · 03/08/2018 23:00

I didn’t physically hurt him. Emotionally though... my husband said because he could see his face, that you could pinpoint the moment he realised that he wasn’t going to be able to escape this time. While he was in my arms he kept crying in that horrible cried too long gasping for breath way saying “go to bed, do you want to go to bed!” When my husband praised him for walking upstairs at the end I tried to join in and he stopped. He was very upset with me and didn’t want praise from me.

OP posts:

Givemeabreak01 · 04/08/2018 07:05

There are those safety gates that are designed to keep dogs in so much higher.... there are also mesh ones that may work because there is nothing to hold onto for him to climb up...... have a look and give it a try..... you can’t do every night restraining him x

silkpyjamasallday · 04/08/2018 07:27

We have 23 month old dd on a Montessori bed, so just a mattress on the floor that she has been able to get in and out of herself from 13 months. Either DP or I do stories in bed as the last part of her nighttime routine, then it’s easy to settle her with cuddles and sitting by the bed, we stay until she is asleep. If she is playing up at bedtime and asking to ‘boiing’ or ‘play’ we just keep lying her back down and tell her it’s bedtime - they get bored of the repetition and give up eventually (it did take over 70 times one evening though during the 18 months sleep regression ). Could you stay with your DS until he is asleep? Now he has learnt he can climb out he will keep trying it so you have to change tactics. While I don’t think holding him like you did is cruel or anything, I do think it’s unlikely to get the result you want as it just means you are both all wound up. I hope you find a solution soon OP

crazycatlady5 · 04/08/2018 09:55

I don’t think he thinks it’s a game. It’s hard for little people to get to sleep and wind down us much as it is for us. We can choose our own bedtime, read a book, get up and make a hot drink etc. He isn’t trying to wind you up by getting out of bed, he clearly just can’t sleep and obviously doesn’t want to just lie there on his own. It’s teally tough for you but I just think looking st it in a different way (acknowledging he isn’t doing it on purpose) might help you and be less stressful. It sounds like quite a severe punishment IMO.

Nannyplumshairstyle · 04/08/2018 12:51

Love the Montessori bed idea!

Original poster

DieAntword · 04/08/2018 17:04

I’m certain he thinks it’s a game because he runs out giggling then is carried back to bed giggling and says “mummy leave the room!” And demands I close the door so he can do it all over again.

I do say he can get up, get a book or play quietly with his toys if he doesn’t want to sleep but that’s much less fun than the chase me back to bed game.

The stair gate is a good option if we can find one high enough and nothing else works. Can’t afford it this month though.

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ShawshanksRedemption · 04/08/2018 17:24

Are you avoiding eye contact, not talking other than in a monotone voice "it's bedtime"? You've got to become the most boring person ever so that he doesn't want to play with you. So don't run or chase after him, just very slowly take him by the hand and take him slowly back to bed. Don't answer questions, don't react to anything other than the boring and repetitive "it's bedtime". He will after a while find it's not much fun after all (because he gets zero reaction from you), but it will take many many attempts by him until it sinks in (as another poster said above, 70 times!). It may mean you and your doing shifts so that you give each other a break, especially if DS starts pushing your buttons.

Original poster

DieAntword · 04/08/2018 19:17

We did try that for three or four nights (not I confess consecutively, the sleeping bag worked in between till he figured how to climb out with it on), took two hours each time before he finally stayed in bed (finally tired I guess) - and honestly, I am not sure I have the patience for it. I am so tempted to talk/argue why he needs to stay in bed - of course being a 2 year old he so doesn't care. Obviously if it's the only way and it takes (as people have reported) weeks of this 2 hour bedtime run arounds then that's how it has to be, but realistically if there is any easier way I am much more likely to be successful at it.

OP posts:

Original poster

DieAntword · 04/08/2018 19:18

I tried to really wear him out today and he only had a very short nap and hasn't come out of bed (said he'd get time out if he did). I don't know though if it will work as a long term solution because of course if he has more energy any given day he may feel more like trying it on.

OP posts:

MachineBee · 04/08/2018 19:49

You are doing fine OP. I wouldn’t worry about traumatising him - it’s a stage a lot of 2yos go through. Mine did it at 22 months when I was 9 months PG. my 2nd was late. It was tough. The new baby crying ironically stopped my eldest messing about at bedtime and waiting days had just learned she got a lot of positive attention from mummy and daddy for going straight to bed.

Make sure you’re giving your DS lots of positive attention during the day and then go really boring if he gets up after being put to bed.

If it’s possible, you could tie the door handle to another nearby so it opens a bit but he can’t get out.

MachineBee · 04/08/2018 19:52

Doh! ‘Within a few days’ not ‘waiting days had’

AppleKatie · 04/08/2018 19:58

I don’t think you’ve done anything terrible OP.

He has to learn to stay in bed, and he has to learn that what you say means something. It’s a hard lesson, that’s why he cried. But he will be over it very soon - lots of positive attention during the day so he learns that’s when fun mummy’s around 😊

Original poster

DieAntword · 04/08/2018 19:58

new baby crying ironically stopped my eldest messing about at bedtime

Heh, oh my son is in the room with his 6m old brother. When he does this messing about at night it also keeps him up and he gets very over tired and cry-y. Actually one of the nights he did stay in bed after I said "if you run around making lots of noise you'll wake brother up again and he'll cry and cry and cry!!!!" but by then he'd been messing about for hours already so was pretty tired himself by then.

I am wondering if I should try going down to a half hour nap every day. Or move his bedtime back an hour. Problem with bedtime is currently his brother and him go to bed at the same time which means we can have stories in bed but if he went later than his brother I'd feel like we might wake him and have to have stories somewhere else which gives him a chance to rev up when we move to his room.

OP posts:

mikado1 · 04/08/2018 20:09

Ah he's very small. Why did you take it off in first place?

I don't like the no eye contact thing and I think they're more likely to reel insecure with that - I know a local sleep consultant advises eye contact to reassure them. I stayed at the door with my3yo when he was at this stage and ended up sitting next to him, chatting about the day until he got sleepy... Was never more than 15 mins ('I'm going now and will pop in again when you're asleep) and you know what, we still now at 6 have that nightly chat. It's a lovely end to our day rather than upset and stress for you both.

Gemstonemama · 04/08/2018 20:09

We found this with my then 18 month old who suddenly hated his cot, even with the side down:-( instead we converted it to a cot bed and got a long bed guard along the side, and made a huge deal of his 'big boy' bed with his very own duvet and pillow. He LOVES it, and although he can wriggle out at the end he doesn't tend to now.

Is there a way you could convert his cot/ get a cot bed with a guard? We got some fab bedding from dunelm and Asda which was low cost but he adores.

Hope you are ok x

MachineBee · 04/08/2018 20:12

Why don’t you do stories together but allow him to stay up a bit longer ‘because he’s a big boy’?

I always had a half hour difference in bed times once my youngest was properly sleeping through. It gave me one on one time every day with my eldest, which we both enjoyed.

BuffyBee · 04/08/2018 20:19

You did the right thing OP! He needed to realise that you are the parent and he will have to do as you say.
My Dear old Grandma gave me some wise advise when I had my first:g

When you say No, mean No!

I found this very useful. If they learn that you mean what you say, from a very early age, and there will be no backing down even if they scream and shout, it makes the rest of their childhood so easy.
My two were seriously, absolute angels and have made brilliant, well balanced, happy adults.

Children actually like boundaries, it makes them feel secure.

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