Baby sleeps 8 hours but I can't. Help!

[evenhope]

DD is 11 weeks old and we're co-sleeping because she won't sleep in her cot

In the last few weeks she has been going to sleep about 11pm/midnight and sleeping until 7/8am. She then wakes for a feed and goes back down until 10ish. Excellent. BUT I am waking up between 1-3 times every night, so I'm not getting the benefit of this lovely long sleep.

I just can't stop worrying that she is going to die. This sounds really stupid even to me, but every night is the same story. I wake up to check she is still alive. I had a nasty shock a couple of weeks ago that I think has made it worse. I woke at 5am and she was very still. I touched her hand and it was cold (it always is, so I don't know why I panicked). I touched her face and she didn't move. Touched her back and again she didn't move. I was totally convinced she was dead. In a complete panic I sat up in bed, grabbed her up to me and she was really floppy. Gave her a slight shake at which point she grumbled and threw her arms over her head. She was just totally relaxed in a really deep sleep. Of course I then sat awake for the rest of the night holding her and waiting for my heart to stop racing.

In the daylight I realise that even if the worst happened, waking up wouldn't stop it, so how can I get myself to stop waking up all night? It doesn't help that she won't go to sleep before 11pm and doesn't sleep in the day so I can't "catch up" my sleep any other time. Obviously the more often I wake up, the more tired I'm getting, and it isn't the baby's fault.

Anybody?

Oh you poor thing. I think the anxiety is natural - I had a similar shock the week my dd was born and it freaked me out. Are you staying awake for long when you do wake up? I suffered from terrible insomnia from when dd was about 4 months old to 10 months old - awake for hours in the night and barely functioning during the day.

In the end I got a couple of books on insomnia and that did help after a while. I am totally back to normal now (she's 2).

If you are just waking up for a moment or two to check on her and then going back to sleep each time my only advice would be to try to recognise that this anxiety is normal and actually a few brief wakings wont have too much effect on how you feel in the day. Sometimes the stress you feel about not sleeping does more damage than the lack of sleep itself.

Final point. Could your dh/partner look after dd for a few hours in the evening so you could get to bed earlier?

Thanks kitsilano. It's helpful to know someone else has done this. Mostly I can go straight back to sleep but sometimes it can take me an hour or so to go back off.

I did try going to bed earlier but DD scoffed the ebm I'd left in 2 seconds flat then just screamed. I woke up after an hour hearing her scream and scream and ended up going down to get her. She only wants me ATM.

I still wake up throughout the night as a matter of course, even if both kids sleep through and I'm sure it's just the natural mothering instinct. I hear every single creak and cough.
Also - could you move your DD into a cot once she's in a deep sleep by slipping your hands under her shoulders and bum? We had to do this with DD. Also, warming the cot slightly with a warm water bottle before putting her in, then removing it before she goes in, might help. Small babies hate being laid onto cold sheets. Keep your hand on her tummy until she settles so she feels you're there and then slip it away gently. If it works, have a Horlicks before you go to bed as I swear by it to help me have a deeper sleep and also do what Kitsilano said bu getting your DH to have DD whilst you go to bed earlier. More sleep at night is more effective than a lie-in in the morning.

Do you think that you might be finding it hard to sleep because you're co-sleeping.
Maybe being so close means that you're aware of her presence even when you're asleep yourself so you wake up.

You said she won't sleep in her cot, but have you tried her in there recently?
Maybe if she was a little further away from you physically your body would be able to relax properly and get some real sleep.

I think everyone panics a bit about their babies' sleep though. This morning my DD woke up later than usual and I had to go and touch her hand just to make sure.

Dd is now 9 months, and I still wake up most nights at least once, usually twice, although she sleeps like a log - I'm still completely paranoid she will stop breathing, even though rationally I know that is unlikely.

She has only spent 2 nights in her cot since she was born. Generally she screams if put in it, and wakes up if transferred asleep. I will try some of your tips. Thanks all.

If you do want to try transferring her into her cot once she's asleep, make sure she's in deep sleep, not REM sleep - no eyelids flickering, no facial twitching and her arm completely floppy if you lift it up and let go (the Sears call this the 'limp limb' test). It will probably take her about 20 - 30 minutes to get to that stage at that age.

As a fellow insomniac I second what Kitsilano says about sometimes the stress you feel about not sleeping is worse than the actual lack of sleep. I find I don't feel so bad either at the time or in the morning if I can manage not to fret about the fact that I'm lying there wide awake. It's hard to do though! I need distraction and my best tip is to download really boring Radio 4 podcasts onto an MP3 player and listen to them. 'In business' and 'Today in Parliament' do it for me nearly everytime!

So sorry you're feeling so anxious, but I don't think it's stupid of you at all. It's a huge responsibility and you're probably still getting over the birth physically and if this is your first it's such a change of lifestyle.

If she won't sleep in her cot, have you tried her in a moses basket?
Sometime babies find a cot too big and daunting, but settle better into the close comfort of something smaller like a basket.
Either that, or could you try making more of a 'nest' in her cot?
Maybe that sounds stupid, but it might feel more cosy and comforting for her.
I really hope you can find a way to sleep better soon though. You can't last indefinitely if you're waking up all the time.
Does she ever play or sleep in her cot during the day? Maybe that would be a good way to get her used to it. Having toys or a mobile in there could help her to enjoy being in there.

Evenhope - this precise symptom is what got me diagnosed with pnd after ds1.

see your doctor sweetheart, because parenting does not have to be like this. PND is an illness, not a weakness.

When I was bf I had to get up and put babies back in cot as I just got no quality sleep when they were in the bed - I was just constantly aware that they were there and never seemed to get any proper deep sleep. DS 1 was a winter baby so think I worried our thick quilt would smother him. But then DS2 born last May, during that July heatwave we just had a sheet and I was still unable to get into a proper sleep.
My sister sent us a lambskin from australia for the cot, both of them settled much better with that in the cot. Its lovely and warm feeling for them to snuggle into. Might be worth a try to get one, (I've seen them on the internet). if your daughter will go in the cot then you might get some better sleep?

Honestly I don't think cosleeping is the problem here - I had ds1 in a cot and I still used to sob myself to sleep erxhausted because I thought if I closed my eyes on him he would die.

i think you should talk to someone.

colditz do you think this is PND then? I was worried I might get it, having had it before and having depression on and off for many years, but I feel fine and I passed the HVs checklist. This worrying about her dying seems to be the only symptom?

I don't think it's the size of the cot bothering her. I've made it up with pram bedding at one end so she's feet-to-foot. I put her in her pram during the day and she doesn't like that either..if I'm lucky she'll sleep in it for an hour or so but more often than not she'll wake up and scream.

(she's actually my fifth but the others are all grown up and I've forgotten everything, except that her sister (now 21) was exactly the same)

I've found that dd settles better when I transfer her if I put my PJ top or a T shirt I have been wearing during the day in with her. She turns to it and has a good sniff.

I would try to get pnd ruled out by a GP, certainly

i would also put the moses basket on the bed next to me, but I am Ultrta Paranoid Woman

I have found it really hard to sleep since my daughter was born too, lost a lot of weight too. I guess it can be hard to relax with a little one. We intentionally co-sleep most of the time (about half of the time now she is older -she decides)and i find it easier then as i am close to her and don't worry about her at all when she is right next to me, but am usually awake about 11/2 hrs before her of a morning. She is 3 and you do just get the hang of it though I think its a situation that feeds itself. I regularly have 2 or 3 nights in a row where I don't sleep but it doesn't actually make me feel that bad any more. Though i avoid driving.