Bedtime with toddler and newborn

[namethatchild]

I’m struggling massively with DD1’s bedtime and nap time since DD2 arrived. They are 18 months and 7 weeks old. We had a good routine before DD2 arrived and for the first couple of weeks all was fine. Now it’s all gone wrong and I don’t have any kind of technique to get it sorted!

Nap time: We go out for an activity every morning (toddler group, soft play, meet friend) then usually home for lunch followed by a nap. I put her in the cot for naps. She used to do this well 90% of the time and nap for approx 2 hours. Now she screams as soon as I put her in the cot. Today I left her for 20 mins while I fed DD2. She cried the whole time so I went and got her up again. She hasn’t napped with me for over a week now, except in the car. BUT 2 days per week we have a nanny (absolute godsend!!) and she still naps perfectly on those days.

Bed time: routine is bath, books, milk on my lap, teeth cleaned and into bed. Again, this used to be fine 90% of the time before DD2. Now she cries and stands up as soon as I put her in the bath. Sit her down a few times but she just keeps trying to get out of the bath. Today DD2 was crying so I was BF and reading a book with DD1. But after 1 page she chucked the book across the room. She hit me and tried to hit the baby several times (this happens often). After DD2 finished feeding I put her in a cot in a separate bedroom and did DD1’s milk and bed. This took about 5 mins. I could hear DD2 crying in the other room the whole time but I just left her until DD1 was in her cot and also crying.

DH works long hours and usually gets home too late to help with bedtime. Our lovely nanny also finishes before bedtime. At weekends he does DD1’s bedtime. Her behaviour seems the same at weekends but it stresses me out less as I can look after DD2.

Sorry this is really long. I really need some advice! Feel bad leaving either DD crying and I’m upset that DD1 used to enjoy a nice bath, have good naps etc. The lack of nap makes her behaviour (hitting etc) much worse. I’m in tears every bedtime at the moment!

You poor thing, you must be tearing your hair out. I don’t have any personal experience of this as I actually only have one child under 6 months, however, I do have a degree in child development. I know that’s nothing on experience but I just thought I’d say that it sounds attention type behaviour. Nap time - she has to nap while you’re with the baby, bath time - where is baby when this happens? Out of the bath with you perhaps? Bed time - is your daughter going down before baby I’m assuming because baby is only 7 weeks? It basically seems to me that she’s doing this at times where she can’t then be with you and the baby and has to be on her own. Particularly as she still does it fine with the nanny. It’s a huge thing for a child to get their head around - going from being the only child to having to share and I think this is simply a response to getting used to having to share you. Therefore, I’m inclined to say she will improve as she gets used to her baby sister being around but that doesn’t give you anything to put in place right now. Hopefully someone with experience of this can come and offer you some practical advice. Sending you strength to get through this x

I don't have advice really but can offer solidarity as I have a 5 week old and a 17 month old and exactly the same issues right down to the hitting/kicking.

The last few days I've spent the whole of the time whilst the toddler has been eating supper feeding and settling the baby in the hope of a window of newborn sleep to do the bath/bedtime routine uninterrupted with the toddler in the hope this reassures her a bit.

Thank you for the lovely replies. I think you’re right emvy, DD1 is feeling left out. Yes her sister is always there when I am there! Although I’ve tried putting DD2 in her cot while we are doing bath/bed at night time, DD2 will always start crying at some point and I’ll have to either ignore her for a short while or bring her in with us depending on the urgency of the crying!

Thanks for the message of solidarity, pastabest. I know it’s all normal but it’s so so hard! I’ve been feeding DD2 leading up to bedtime too. But I don’t think I’ve managed a single bath/bed half hour without DD2 crying as she’s cluster feeding between about 4/5pm and 9/10pm. Good luck with your two and hope it passes quickly! Their needs are just so different at this stage.

I can get through this period, and bedtime was much better today. I’m just keen that we don’t get into bad habits. e.g. today she slept in the buggy out and about for 1.5 hours. It was fine. But I want her to have at least some cot naps. I need that time to tidy/clean/shower/just sit down!

Do I persevere with nap time and endure daily screaming, or just accept that it’s not happening at the moment and let her sleep in the car or buggy for a more peaceful life? Will she lose the ability to take lovely long cot naps?

So I had a minor breakthrough tonight... I fed DC2 slightly earlier whilst DC1 was playing and then did some intensive winding/ rocking whilst DC1 was eating tea.

I then put DC2 down in her pram with a dummy and white noise on my phone (DC1 didn't like white noise at all as a baby so sort of forgot about it until now with DC2) and I got a 30 - 45 minute window where DC2 stayed asleep long enough to do the bedtime routine with DC1.

It's like fecking cluedo trying to work out the right combination every night but fingers crossed I've bossed them for tonight. Hoping you have had a better evening too OP?

It's also Friday so I'm pouring a large glass of wine

Today was good, thanks for asking pastabest We got a nap from DD1! Unfortunately DD2 was awake and unsettled the whole time, but it was a great feeling to see a sleeping baby on the monitor! Bedtime was fine today too. Hope we have both turned a corner!

The main difference today was I made a conscious effort to give DD1 as much love, attention and positivity as possible. Not the easiest when she’s hitting her sister or chucking a wet sponge in my face! Anyway. I wanted her to feel nice and secure and she did go down for both sleeps without crying so maybe that helped. I think yesterday I got cross more often than necessary. DD2 has cried loads today. I’ll try white noise with her, good idea. I use Ewan dream sheep at night but never thought of utilising him during the day.

Enjoy your wine, I’ve a bottle in the freezer getting chilled to perfection!

I found I made changes to the eldests routine to incorporate their additional neediness as they get used to the baby and the huge change to their life.
So either have the baby napping at the times i needed the eldest to sleep so I could dedicate the time to her bedtime alone or I would feed the baby sitting in the room while the eldest went to sleep. This way the eldestdidnt feel abandoned while I looked after the baby, but also I could have a sit down in the dark and quiet at bedtime/naptime
with my eldest which was nice for us all.

It’s not easy but it changes quickly as within a few months your eldest will have adapted and your youngest will be more predictable.

Ha well after I wrote that I have had several nights of hell. Don't listen to anything I say.

If it helps OP it turns out that there is such a thing as the 18 month sleep regression. DC1 is showing textbook signs so it's making me feel a little better that this was possibly going to happen anyway and we haven't just ruined her life by having another baby.