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Sleep

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Original poster

only naps when held, i'm exhausted

20 replies

bridge23 · 14/07/2018 07:52

hello all I'm a first time mom of a 4 month old. i live in turkey with my husband so i don't have any friend network here and would love some advice/thoughts. dh works from home but gets distracted by ds and me since ds always needs to be held, pretty much all day. he will nap if i bf him while bouncing on a yoga ball, but wakes up when put in his cot. he will sometimes yawn but never seems drowsy...just awake and active sometimes for 3 hours. because i can only get him to sleep if i bf that rules out dh from helping and because he sleeps on me i can't make myself food or do any chores. dh is getting really stressed about the state of the house and i'm depressed he is not able to spend any time with his son. now we are going to get a nanny to come from 12-5 to help me and i just feel like a failure. i don't really want ds to be raised by someone else but i'm also frankly exhausted and need time to take a shower without him crying or without having him with dh. we co-sleep at night so i lay down with him and try to get up once he's asleep. he sleeps from around 10-8 with a wakeup or two to feed.
ds was in the nicu for 10 days after birth so maybe that's why he wants to be held. or am i doing something wrong? i see other moms and my friends don't have a helper and their kids sleep in their cot. and what to do about my husband's stress and my worry that this will rub off on my son? i am typing this with one hand cos of course he's on me now. just feeling a bit lost and sad. dh said the other night when i couldn't eat dinner cos ds was fighting sleep that we have to work things out cos he is going crazy. i'm a bit worried about our marriage as we have no time with each other and he can't seem to manage his time.

OP posts:

Bezm · 14/07/2018 08:01

You're making it far too easy for your baby to only sleep on you, because you're not giving him the chance to sleep alone.
Put him in his cot, get a shower, let his dad watch over him whilst you sleep. He needs to get used to not constantly being held by you. It may take a while for him to get used to falling asleep in his cot, but if you don't do something now, you're setting yourself up for a good few years of no sleep!
Don't get a nanny, get a cleaner. Also, DH so Daniel like a bit of a lazy sod. He needs to step up, do chores himself, and take care of his son.

InNeedOfALieInNow · 14/07/2018 08:03

You’re doing NOTHING wrong. Lots and lots and lots of babies are like this. It will pass. It is hard. It sounds like you’re doing brilliantly and your DH needs to be supporting you more.

For now - get a sling - probably a nice stretchy one. Feed him until he’s nearly asleep and pop him in and go for a walk. He will fall asleep and you have hands free to eat some food, stick some washing on or whatever. My daughter spent hours and hours a day in a sling and at least it meant I could walk around, brush my teeth, leave the house

Your DH could have the baby for half an hour or an hour on a morning or evening while you have a shower? He could also make you some lunch and leave it in the fridge. Dinners should be something you can eat one handed for a while.

My first daughter was like this. It feels interminable and everybody tells you to enjoy the cuddles while you can. It’s hard though. But it does pass and soon enough he’ll be crawling and less reliant on you for everything. Your housekeeping can wait (lower your standards and get your DH to help more either by holding the baby or by doing the house stuff) but your son will only be this tiny and this needy for a short space of time.

InNeedOfALieInNow · 14/07/2018 08:04

And the pp who said you’re setting yourself up for years of not sleeping - I disagree. My daughter sleeps fine in her own bed. I don’t have to hold her anymore 😂

abbsisspartacus · 14/07/2018 08:06

Swaddle?

Pittcuecothecookbook · 14/07/2018 08:07

My month old is similar and we suspect silent reflux. We have tilted the crib head end upwards to help, and my husband does the cooking and cleaning while I breastfeed, shower and sleep. Your husband sounds lazy and rude if he is expecting you to do everything and get annoyed at you if he thinks you're not doing it right. Bloody cheek, tbh. As PP said, he needs to help you out.

anotherangel2 · 14/07/2018 08:10

Another person agreeing that you are doing rather wrong. You have a tiny baby who need you at the moment. It is great that you are able to get help but get them to do the housework.

Firsttimemum892 · 14/07/2018 08:18

My baby was actually like this it’s easy for people to say put him in his cot I understand you can’t do this as he will scream and not stop people who say this are usually people who have laid back babies who will fall asleep on their own and don’t understand. Sounds like your baby is very alert and doesn’t know how to fall asleep on his own which is normal , my baby was never ever a sleepy baby not even from newborn she would stay awake for hours on end. I would accept it and sit and bf her to sleep in my arms and watch tv when she got a little older this became tedious so heres some things I done .... 1. Get a sling he may love to sleep in this and you can get jobs done I know it’s not ideal carrying baby round 24/7 but it works 2. Get some white noise put him in his pram and rock him to sleep 3. Lay on the bed on your side bf him when he drops off gently sneak away ... it does get slightly easier over time I feel your pain x

HushabyeMountainGoat · 14/07/2018 08:18

You're not doing it wrong but if it's getting you down having to hold him all the time then it's ok to try something different. You don't have to be a martyr.

The life saver for me was a bouncy vibrating baby chair. I could get him to sleep in that if i bounced it with my foot, which meant i could at least have a cup of tea or a snooze myself. As time goes on they do get better at being put down. Just start doing it for short periods so that he is used to how it feels

userabcname · 14/07/2018 08:18

My baby only slept on me - it's very normal baby behaviour and you are doing absolutely the right thing to cuddle him as much as possible and make him feel secure. My best trick to comfort baby and allow yourself some free time is this: feed baby in the side lying position. Let baby drift off nicely. Wait 10 minutes (this is crucial). Gently unlatch and roll away. You are then free to nap/eat/whatever yourself. It takes a few times to master the roll-away but it's so worth it! You may need to buy bed guards or put a mattress on the floor for safety. Also your husband needs to get a grip. Having a baby is hard work but it passes quickly and he needs to support you, not add to your hard work. I suggest he does the housework for now.

anamelikenoother · 14/07/2018 08:34

You're absolutely doing nothing wrong! It's totally normal. I have a nearly 6 month old and he was exactly the same at that age. Have to co-sleep and feed him lying down and roll off the bed. Only recently have I been able put him down sleep at night for him to stay asleep. Naps are always on me - I've managed to put him about 4 times since birth! But it's getting easier and he's more settled. They're young and still want us close. As tough as I find it sometimes I feel sad that soon he won't need me as much!

I'm also in a part of the world where havinga nanny is the norm and like you I felt uncomfortable but actually she helps with the house work and gives me a chance to recharge and help get him used to nap time without me for when I'm back at work. You are in control - she can only help with what you need.

Also agree about getting you DH to step up and support you, and using a sling!!

Good luck OP. It will pass

Original poster

bridge23 · 14/07/2018 09:33

i think its that dh works from home and so when baby cries or he is holding baby he can't get his work done, so i don't want to distract him by having him help me but do need the help. that's why he wants someone to come in to help, cos he feels guilty not being able to help me OR make any money. bit of a bind.
swaddle would be good but its summer and so terribly hot...35c today. this is also why i can't go out with the stroller until later in the day and we feel a bit trapped but what can we do?

OP posts:

Original poster

bridge23 · 14/07/2018 09:40

thanks for the advice everyone! feels really good, like a hug
i don't feel like DH is lazy but i am trying to manage his stress in addition to mine, and i already have one child
I have an ergo baby carrier and will start using that more, and will look into a good sling. I have successfully put him down a few times on our bed and he sleeps that way for a bit usually, and just last night I side-nursed him and then pulled away to get a shower. I'll try that for naps too. He's just a very active little baby and i love him so much and want to do what's right for him. That's helpful to think that I am in charge even if we have a helper, and having some recharge chances will be helpful esp. since DH can't give me that at the moment. thanks everyone.

OP posts:

Original poster

bridge23 · 14/07/2018 11:36

any suggestions on sling brands? DS sleeps in the ergo carrier but I still sit on the yoga ball when I'm wearing him. If I turn on the stove or run the water he will wake up, but at least I have my hands free and can walk around in the meantime. Wondering if he would fall asleep and stay asleep in a sling?
Also is it too hot to swaddle? I guess it's just as hot in the ergo.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 14/07/2018 11:45

I did Pick Up Put Down so my youngest learnt to sleep without being held. No crying involved, basically she realised it was ok to be awake in her cot and go to sleep without being held.

Took persistence but as I had 3 older children I needed to be able to put her down for a nap!

Original poster

bridge23 · 14/07/2018 12:16

Ah maybe I will look into that method, thanks!

I just feel like I'm not being listened to by my DH. He's so worried about money and having time to work, that he doesn't care that I don't want to have a helper in the house and now I'm worried to even ask him to hold DS for a moment. I want him to be able to help with the chores and our son when I need to do something. I don't feel like it should always fall to me, but when he doesn't want to change the solution is just to hire someone to come in. I'm trying to stay positive and I do love him but it's just really tough right now.

OP posts:

Neverenoughspoons · 14/07/2018 12:22

I would try a 'love to swaddle' they're very thin so might be ok with just a vest under and a 'Sleepyhead' bed nest. Might settle with them if you sat with your hand on his chest while he fell asleep. Good luck!

YorkiepudNgravy · 14/07/2018 12:26

I had this and got a boba sling, he was ace in it and meant I could plod about doing what needs to be done. Made life a lot easier! He’s nearly 6 months now and is able to self settle at night but still mainly naps on me during the day

bookmum08 · 14/07/2018 12:35

My daughter pretty much lived in her bouncy chair as a new born. I think she prefered being slightly sat up rather than being completely flat in her cot or moses basket. If she was fussy I could sit next to her and talk gently or pat her tummy so she always knew I was there. Best bit of baby equipment we had.

Original poster

bridge23 · 14/07/2018 13:01

Now DH just told me that he doesn't want me to be upset and maybe having a helper come in wouldn't be a good idea, so I feel a bit bad about being hard on him when he has all this stress.
I am looking into boba slings and thinner swaddles.

OP posts:

InNeedOfALieInNow · 14/07/2018 19:59

You can swaddle with just a nappy underneath and then add a blanket if he gets cold?

A lot of the hardest part is finding what works for your baby. Remember your baby is an individual and isn’t the same as any other baby, just like no two adults are the same. You’ll find the things that work for you, your son and your family. In the meantime be kind to yourself. It’s hard, so very hard, and stressful and tiring and your body is still recovering. Be proud of what you’ve achieved so far, be gentle on yourself - you’re doing amazingly well and your son thinks you’re the best in the world

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