EBF- how did you dp help at night?

[StinkySaurus]

I’m so so so tired. Months of just getting a few hours of sleep is hard. But I’m EBF so not sure how DP can help. Not really sure if he really wants to help or understands how miserable it is just sleeping 2 hours at a time. Also, conveniently, he does not wake up to her cries....

Please share how your dp made the nights easier so I can have some inspiration!

How old is your DD?

Mine was EBF and it does get easier. Husband would carry her to bed from mine at end of main night feed to get some snuggles and I would roll over and have a moments peace.

As my DD got older if she'd been feed and still awake he'd take over but if I'm honest it only came with time the older she got the more he could do (not helpful I know) he would give me time out as much as possible during the day and mornings after she was feed so I could go back to bed. I promise it does get better but well done for doing it EBF is tough but I'm ever so thankful I did it.

@ForTheLove, she’s about 18 weeks. I know it probably does get better but it’s really grinding me down. Especially seeing as DP is getting a full night sleep every single night and then inthe morning he feels the need to critique my sleep ‘ three lots of two hours... that’s not bad!’..... it is bad! Especially as it’s not a one off!

She used to be better in the night too. But now she feeds for 1-2houes instead of the old 20 mins :(

In the early days - had the baby on his chest in evening while I slept.
For ages - did early mornings so I could go back to bed after broken nights.
When we decided to stop night feeds (at c12m) - did basically all resettles for a few days
After that - shared night wakes
I think these are the minimum tbh. With my first I think he did less early mornings but broken nights are HARD

stinky that is v hard. It'd be ok as a one off but months and months of it and you just feel awful! Tell him if it's not so bad you can feed and he can resettle and bring baby to you etc...

Op, I honestly felt like stabbing my oh sometimes when he used to wake up in the morning all refreshed from a full night's sleep and then , totally oblivious to how I'd spent my night, declare 'Brilliant! Ds slept right through!"
It is knackering and weeks of interrupted sleep is akin to torture.
You say your dd is feeding for 1-2 hours at a time.
Could it be a growth spurt thing? Is she feeding longer for this reason?
Is she actually feeding or having a nice long soothing snuggle?
If the first, not much you can do but persevere. With ds2 I made up a bed for me on his bedroom floor and fed co-slept at times.
Could she be not so much hungry as just wanting/needing the snuggles? 18 weeks is perhaps still too young for this to be the case but ds2 was defintely a boob addict.

The thing with ebf is the mum tends to get woken up anyway thanks to the supersonic hearing we seem to develop. Most of time I just got on with it as I didn't see the point of both of us suffering from extreme sleep deprivation.

However, in exchange for his mostly blissful nights, I expected my oh to step up at the weekend so that I could take a nap. I also used to wake him up and send him in to soothe (armed with a dummy later on) when my ds were a little older and I knew that they were not hungry and just needed cuddles. I seem to remember this being around the 6 month mark with ds2, ds1 was already sleeping through by then.

It really does get better, op, although I know that's not much help right now.

Another thought. Is there any way you could express and have your dp give a bottle of your milk from time to time?

My babies fed like mad from about 8 to 10 at night. I was then wrecked so l crawled into bed and dh stayed up with baby until they woke for next sleep. Knowing l was not responsible for baby for those few hours gave me great sleep and dh went to bed when l fed. He had a very responsible job where peoples lives were at stake so getting up during the night wasn't an option but once l has those peaceful few hours l was happy enough.
Every weekend he took baby up to kitchen after feed and l slept until baby needed me again. On Sat and Sun!! I always found l slept best when he had total responsibility as not listening out.
Even with all that that tiredness of broken nights is a killer.

No advice but wanted you to know others are going through this to. My dc is 5 months, I think I've had one stretch of sleep longer than 3 hours since he was born. I'm also ebf but now almost wishing I had introduced a bottle earlier as my dc is completely refusing so there is no way of me getting a break from a feed. I'm totally exhausted, feel faint most of the day, nausea and feel kind of detached from my body. DH is trying to help by taking the baby off me post feed to resettle but I can still hear it so I don't actually get any more sleep. Mornings no lie in as dh goes to work early and I have older dc school run. Moving the baby into their own room soon, hopefully that will help. At this point I know half the wake ups are habit rather than hunger but I can't seem to break them.

My husband used to wake up when I did. I think our daughter slept in a Moses basket in our room till she grew too big. He'd make me tea and a cheese and pickle sandwich while I did the feeds. Feeding made me hungry and thirsty. It helped that he was self-employed and working from home.

DS is EBF and has always been a bottle refuser. In all honesty? There wasn’t much DP could do during the night in the early months. DS was a night mare sleeper untill about 6 months and wanted boob everytime he woke. He tried but it never worked and in the end it was just faster/easier/resulted in less crying for me to do it. At about 6 months he started only waking for a feed once so it was manageable. A few months later he started to wake for hours in the night so after I’d fed him I’d hand him over to DP and let him try to settle- sometimes worked sometimes didn’t. DP is one now and on the rare occasion he does wake during the night DP is able to settle him. I always send him in now because I know if I go in he’ll want milk and tbh it’s his turn to do the wakes 😂

Ways we made it work were- DP would always take DS in the morning when he woke ragardless of how early/if he was working etc. DS was always full from the all night Buffett he never wanted to eat first thing so I could get 2 hours deep sleep to prepare for the day. On his days off I would always take a loooong bath and he would watch DS. Also, he helped by just accepting that i was going to be cranky/short tempered and not taking it personally 😂 it won’t hurt to try letting your DP settle baby in any way he can. Or maybe he could take her for a drive/walk on days he’s off so you can nap.

I won’t lie it’s hard work and very draining when it’s all on you but it won’t last forever- although DP still doesn’t hear his cries 🤨

Everyone has given excellent advice already.
I second getting evening naps, having him take baby away first thing in the morning so you get lie-ins every day (yes even weekdays- you're both working).

I'd add that a very wise thing to do is to explicitly avoid arguing/mentioning how much sleep you both have had. Nobody wins in those arguments and it will breed resentment.

You TOTALLY do have the worst deal though, and it's very very crappy but it will get better in the long term (although 18 weeks is very young and you probably should manage your expectations if you want to continue gentle parenting/sleep methods- it's very normal for 2 year olds to still wake up once or more, although also normal for them to sleep through by then).

I'd add that it's only now after more than four years that my husband gets it, after I swapped to sleep with our 4 year old, so my 2 year old would night wean. That was a success but she regularly still wakes once at least, and is up early- he has to deal with that. There's no way I'm going back in yet because she'll ask for milk again (although I miss her cuddles too). Now he understands why I was so exhausted all the time and horrendously sensitive about sleep. I do feel far less crap every morning, but my memory is SHOT these days- that can join the grey hair and bad skin effects of parenting!

You say your dd is feeding for 1-2 hours at a time.Is she actually feeding or having a nice long soothing snuggle?

This was my thought too. I went through similar, thinking she was feeding because her mouth was moving. Actually she'd feed for 5-10 minutes and use me as a dummy for the next 1.5 hours. Which some people are fine with, but I wasn't.

My dh couldn't really do anything at night so I let him sleep. What he would do is get up with the baby when he woke for a feed (and usually for the day) at around 6am and he'd take him downstairs and cuddle him while I slept. This just gave me a little longer in bed and I didn't have to worry about lo waking me. He would also take him when he came in from work and I'd grab a nap for an hour or so then. It was just a case of grabbing an extra hours sleep here and there really. It helped though, just knowing I'd have that uninterrupted times to sleep.

Thank you all so much! You have all made me feel so much better. It’s nice to know that other people have survived through this and it will pass. As silly as it sounds I don’t think I fully realised that being EBF would mean I would bare the brunt of the night wakings and that expressing abd guvjng a bottle would not be straight forward. Thanks for all the support

With the comfort sucking versus feeding.... how do you know what they are doing? I can definitely feel movement whilst she is latched...

Saturday and Sunday he'd take her out for a long walk in the afternoon so I could really relax and get an hour or two extra sleep

So much sympathy for you, my 8mo still wakens between 3 and 5 times every night and it's so draining. On top of that DD is a hideously early riser so my DH generally gets up with her and either he settles her back to sleep or takes her down and gives her breakfast. On particularly bad nights I will feed her then he takes her away to resettle. I try to let him sleep as he has to work (and I cope much better on no sleep than him), but we made this baby together and we're a team at the end of the day, I'm lucky he sees it the same way!

I do all the night wakings. DH helps by getting up in the morning with whichever child is up first. DD is quite often up at 5 or 5.30am, which is almost as hard as the night wakings in my opinion. Every now and again I get up early with her and let him sleep in.

The other way he has helped is to sleep in the spare room and let me and DD have the main bed to cosleep in. I'm grateful that he has done this without complaining or asking when he can come back in.

Even with all this I am still absolutely exhausted. DD is 8 months and still waking up several times a night, so I hope this ends soon.

Oh, I forgot to mention earplugs. Very important as DD and DS are noisy and even with all the doors closed it often means I get woken up when I am having a "lie in". Really it would be ideal if DH could take DD and DS out for 2 hours on Saturdays and Sundays so I could sleep uninterrupted, but we always end up with too many other things to do on the weekends.

DH helps me. When DS wakes, I sit up in bed, rearrange pillows etc whilst he fetches him. I feed him, DH dozes. Then when he's done I prod DH and he either pops him back in cot if asleep or rocks him until he is. On the rare occasions he won't go down again, DH co-sleeps with him.

Are you co-sleeping, OP? This was the only way I survived EBFing my two, it makes a massive difference to the amount of sleep you get.

dh kept dc while I slept early evening, brought them to me at bedtime for feed then put them in cot.

Lifted them when they cried, changed nappy, brought to me.

As they got older he would give them an expressed bottle at the early am feed to let me sleep, 2-3 times a week.

Got up and brought them into bed at early morning feed, I fed then got up (or sometimes we all fell back asleep!!!)