reassurance/help

[Flores80]

I'm really struggling with my five week old son's lack of sleep. I'm also confused as to what to do. This is my first baby. He is very unsettled and requires constant holding, I love our cuddles but as soon as I put him down he's up again wanting to be held. My husband and I are falling out as a result as he believes he needs to be left to cry it out, I disagree, as does our HV. However, as he explained to me, it is not possible to hold a baby 24 hours a day and not have sleep myself. HV recommended I try co-sleeping, but problem remained and he won't settle unless in my arms. It is beginning to take it's toll. We thought we had a breakthrough as for two days he did actually begin to settle in the next to me cot. However last night he went back to his same rhythm of wanting to be held. He did eventually settle in the crib by 430am, and I did get a few hours sleep. It all seems fine when my husband is here and doesn't have work the next day, but during the week it is so hard. I am afraid to fall asleep with him in my arms which I have done, but so scared of SIDS, and like my husband says long term this is not feasible. I feel very alone and very low. I've spoken with the HV, I've got an appt to see a therapist for some CBT. I don't believe I have PND, but the lack of sleep makes me feel depressed. I am not enjoying the newborn stage at all and feel guilty about that. I also know in months, years to come I'll be sad that I didn't enjoy it more. My mum is very critical of me, even though when she stayed she didn't have a clue what to do with him. My mother in law is really lovely but lives 200 miles away, she has stayed for a couple of weeks to help, and during that time did give me some respite during the night so I could get some sleep. I miss her :( I love my little boy so much, but I just feel like I don't understand him, and that everything I do is wrong. I truly am trying my best but I'm running on empty. My husband does his best to help during the night, and he is a really good support, so in essence I am very lucky to have what I do. People keep telling me that this is a phase all newborns go through and doesn't last forever, but did say that as he gets older there'll be other things that keep him up such as teething, being poorly etc etc. I don't want to sound ungrateful or resentful. But sometimes I see people out and about without kids or with older kids and they seem so happy, I envy them in many ways. I feel so lonely and isolated with how I feel. I feel like when people coo over my little one and say how wonderful the newborn phase is, I can't say how I really feel. I feel as though I should just keep presenting the front that everything is fine. Even now I'm welling up. This is the hardest thing I've ever done, I love him with all I have, but I miss life before baby where everything was a bit simpler, even just leaving the house without worrying I've got x,y and z, or having a shower, having time to eat! And having the sheer responsibility of this little person who is fully dependent upon you for everything, it is very overwhelming Any shared experiences or advise would really help me right now, thank you for listening x

First of all, massive hugs to you. It’s hard to admit you are struggling.

Secondly, I know you’ve probably been told this but what your baby is doing is very very normal. Some babies are like this- it’s a reality that you are not expecting or prepared for. I knew I’d be tired, but I was on my knees with exhaustion. My DS was a nightmare and I still openly admit that the newborn phase was the worst time of my life and ting looking back I sometimes don’t know how I go through it. I used to say I hated him and I wished he go away. Lack of sleep is the worst and can make you feel and do things you never thought you’d do. How YOU are feeling is also normal. You’ve just had a baby, and you’re whole world has changed in an instant. Your baby is only 5 weeks old, have a google of the 3rd trimester and get daddy to look at it to. It’s natural for a new born to want the comfort of mum and dad- untill 5 weeks ago he was safe inside you all the time. Ive never agreed with CC or CIO anyway- although each to their own and what fits them- however even those who support it will agree your baby is far to young for anything like that. At this tiny age they are crying because they have needs, not wants.

Some practical advice to help with lack of sleep. A tight swaddle- we used one even when cosleeping. White noise all night long. A sling during the day- my DS lived in a sling untill he was 15 weeks old and was comfortable being put down. A sleepyhead- expensive but was 100% worth it for us. Take shifts at night with DP if you can. Use your tribe- ask family or good friends to take baby for a walk or drive so you can nap or just have an hour without having a baby attached. Try get to a baby class or group- there will definitely be people there in the same boat and if nothing it shows you that time passs and babies do grow up. This is my major regret I never went to enough classes.

Time will pass and you will survive it. You will find a way to cope and before you know it you’ll be seeing milestones and you’re baby growing into their own little personality. As an example- DS was the worst Velcro newborn and I was demented with the lack of sleep. He over time got better and He started sleeping through at about 10.5 months. Now he’s one and I can’t remember the last wake. They do grow up.

Be kind to yourself, you are doing a fantastic job!

I feel for you, you are exhausted which makes everything feel so much worse. My son was the same when he was so little and I remember thinking I would never be able to put him down. The thing is he NEEDS his mummy more than ever at the minute and leaving him to cry won’t work in my opinion. I just used to hold him for naps, tried to put him down but he would wake up. At around 4 months he started to let me put him down if I waited about 10 mins and did the most careful transfer to the cot as possible. Moving him into his own cot was the best thing I could’ve done, I think he just felt so comfy. Mine didn’t like swaddling but was ok with a sleeping bag, and gently holding his arms down too.
This phase will pass for you. All the advice from mums and other people can make you feel worse sometimes, just know you are trying your best and each week you might notice a slight improvement. Gradually you will start to get your life back but don’t put pressure on yourself to be the old you. This will come in time xx

Could your partner have the baby sleep on his shoulder while watching TV in the evening? That way you might get a couple of hours sleep, just to reset your head and get a little respite. I was trying to think how we got through the early days and remembered that we did this. I'd go to bed [pass out] at about 7, dh would hold him until 10, bring him up for a feed, then take him back down till midnight. Rest of the night we coslept, dh went into the spare room. I used to hold Ds2 's hand all night, no pillows, in this weather no blanket either, and have your head level with their body. I miss it now but am glad we get a little more sleep. And can you ask your mil to come back for a few days? Good luck. It does get better x

Try swaddling your baby and giving a dummy to comfort suck.

These things make it easier to put baby down to sleep.

I’m on my third baby and I can tell you that what your baby is doing is entirely normal! You absolutely should not leave him to cry.
What you need to do is ask your partner to sit up holding him until 11pm/midnight while you get some sleep and the swap so that you take on the rest of the night duties.
I have co-slept with all of mine as they do sleep better but not with DH in the bed.
You can do it safely if you only wrap the sheet to your tummy and keep your baby on the other side of the bed. You can read up on safe co-sleeping.
Otherwise just keep trying to put him back in the bedside crib.
This will pass soon and he will sleep for longer periods at night - you are doing so well, you’ve already done five weeks!
The overwhelming and depressed feeling you have is also normal. The first four months or so are incredibly hard and then it really does get easier, and again st six months.
I promise you they do sleep through eventually - and you don’t have to leave them to cry.
You’re doing great, it’s so, so hard at the moment. We’ve all been there and felt like you do now. Hugs

I don't have bags of useful advice for you (unlike others who have already started to reply) but I just wanted to add a quick comment to say that it's very clear to me from reading your post that you're a lovely, lovely mummy - your little boy is very lucky to have a mummy who's so attentive and so keen to do the right thing.

These first few weeks / months are incredibly tough. I know it's easier said than done but please try not to put too much pressure on yourself. It's completely normal and OK, for example, not to manage a shower some days. And getting all your stuff organised to leave the house can be a nightmare. Please don't beat yourself up if you're finding that kind of thing hard. The vast majority of new mums will be finding the same.

Your little boy is still very tiny, and just wants lots of cuddles at the moment. Again that sounds very normal! Please don't let anyone try to encourage you to 'leave him to cry' if that doesn't feel right to you. You're the boss here.

Apologies that I've not been able to give you any practical tips on getting more sleep. But as a relatively new mum myself (my little boy's 4 months old) your story resonated with me and I wanted to send some positive words and to reassure you that you're not alone.

Enjoy your lovely little boy! x

I could have written your post when my baby was 5 weeks.
It got a bit better at 6 weeks, then 8, then 12, etc etc. It’s not linear (i.e gets better and better without taking steps backward) but for me, terrible sleep has become unusual, not the norm now (8 months).
I found the first 6 weeks unbearably hard for all the reasons you have said above.
In a few months time you’ll be reading a Mumsnet post similar to this thinking ‘oh no I remember those dark days!’

I hated the newborn stage too and could have written that word for word but my husband and I took turns to sleep to hold DS, and I'd go up straight after we'd eaten to get a few hours, just being woken to feed if necessary.

He grew out of it for night sleep about 3 mo, then for naps too, could be put down (but I often used it as excuse for rest)

Won't really sleep on me at all now at 11 mo. I wouldn't say his sleep is great, at all, but a lot of the time, he's not attached to me

My baby is 4.5 months old and I could have written your post! I remember those first awful months! The only way to get through it is to sleep in shifts. I would stay awake all night holding the baby. Midnight until 6 - thank god for Netflix! Then at 6am my husband would take her in a sling for 2 hours whilst I slept, then he would bring her back for a feed, then put her in a sling again for another 2 hours. He worked at a desk from home. He would then work 10-4:30ish. Then take her in a sling again for 2-3 hours whilst I slept again. We would then watch TV together and I would doze on sofa until midnightish when the cycle would happen again. This went on for about 8 weeks. I would never co-sleep and never fall asleep holding her. Then suddenly at 8 weeks or so, she slept for 2 hours in her Moses basket at night. She was getting absolutely frantic around my breasts and would not settle on me. So from that day I started getting my husband to take her and shush her to sleep. It really worked! She must've smelt me or something. She was swaddled and played white noise all night! Then the length of times asleep at night started to increase. Try giving baby to husband to settle.