Please help before I have a break down...

[NaiceHamPlease]

DS is one week short of six months. He's always been a poor sleeper but since 4.5 months it's been horrendous.

I used to get stretches of 4/5hrs, feed, then 2/3hrs ,feed, then 1/2hrs and wake for the day, (perfectly manageable) over night and decent naps in the day. He's now been waking hourly for the past six weeks. I've read all about the 4 month regression but this is on another level and doesn't appear to be ending.

He was having 40mins naps 3-4 times a day reasonably easily but for the last three days he's fighting naps too, it's taking up to two hours in the morning to get him down for a 30min nap.

He was in a co sleeping cot but he's out grown it now so has been napping in his cot in the nursery for the past month. I moved him to the cot for night sleeps two weeks ago but he usually only does the first half of the night in there then ends up co sleeping with me as I just can't cope with getting up hourly. Very occasionally he will sleep for 2hrs. We've got a good bedtime routine, room is dark, he has a comforter, my smell on his cot sheet, in a sleeping bag. I find co sleeping really uncomfortable and claustrophobic but I'm exhausted.

I'm waiting for a dietition appointment for him as he appears to have some food intollerances via my milk, he's EBF and has been gaining brilliantly despite horrible nappies. I'm dairy, soya and egg free which is helping him. Nappies have completely settled since starting solids in the last couple of weeks but he's still very windy at night.

I don't have any help with him as husband is very hands off and has been sleeping separately since his birth. He doesn't grasp the extent of how exhausted I am and I can't make him understand, he'll only watch him for 40 mins or so occasionally. I've been fobbed off by the GP with a pat on the head and comments about being a first time mum and DS being fussy. He's not fussy and is surprisingly easy and happy in the day when he's entertained and moving about, it's just night times that he struggles to settle and seems uncomfortable. He can't self settle although I've really tried to help him learn. He is currently fed to sleep, which I know is not great, but if I don't he just wakes himself up fully, specially in the night, them can be awake for 2-3 hours.

I love him absolutely but feel like I'm being the most terrible mother currently, I'm too tired in the day, I'm lacking any patience. I'm too tired at night persist with teaching him how to self settle (if it's at all possible).

I just don't know what to do or where to turn, any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated, particularly with regards to self settling and reducing night wakes. I'd like to do some gentle sleep training too but have spent doing reading different methods I'm completely lost.

If you've got to the end of this thank you, I knows it's very long, I just need some help.

Right there's quite a lot of things going on there.

It goes without saying that your husband should be doing more, much much much more, but I understand that you for whatever reason don't feel able to tackle that bit at the moment.

I suspect the waking more frequently is probably linked to starting weaning and probably another developmental leap about to happen. It's not going to be a permanent thing but I know that's no comfort when you are in the midst of it.

I think you probably have a choice to make about co-sleeping going forwards. Either set up something in your room where he can sleep without it compromising your sleep as much or crack on with doing some kind of gentle sleep training to help him to stay in his own room for the whole night. It sounds like you've got the worst of both situations at the moment.

Have you tried things like a dummy instead of feeding to sleep? If it's the sucking motion that he finds calming it could help?

Regarding the sleep training there is a lot of different advice out there but ultimately you need to find a method you are comfortable with. It is okay to let them cry for a few minutes rather than going straight to them, you do soon start to recognise what is just a cry because they have woken up but will go back to sleep, and what it sounds like when they are properly awake and really want you.

Personally though I wouldn't be attempting anything without first having a serious discussion with your husband. You need more sleep and he doesn't get to opt out of looking after his child just because he is a man.

Have you any other support?

Keep posting here. Sometimes it helps just to have a sounding board.

You sound like you’ve been doing an amazing job, despite being absolutely knackered!

Could you post your daily routine? It may be he is over / undertired for naps which can increase night wakes.

I would say the main issue is feeding to sleep (Sorry!) which needs to be addressed, so he can learn how to get himself back to sleep when he wakes in the night. Does he have a dummy? Has been a godsend for DD as she was (and is!) a very ‘sucky’ baby.

Have a look at the old mumsnet thread ‘what worked for us’ which is a really gentle, gradual retreat approach to sleep training.

Personally, I would switch to FF to give yourself a much needed break, and do some controlled crying (Not for everyone of course).

Ps - obviously agree 100% with PP about your husband.

Thank you for the quick replies....

Yep, I need to deal with H and his complete lack of engagement but he's pretty impossible. He does a job where he needs to be fully rested the night before, I've always accepted this, but it doesn't excuse his time off. He's completely out of his depth with DS so I'm resigned to sorting out his sleeping myself for now, I can't see any other choice. I have a lovelygroup of mum friends who must be sick of hearing me moan bit no family support. There really is nobody other than me to care to DS, when he was sleeping a little better this was no issue.

I'd really like not to be co sleeping so am happy to do some sleep training, I accept s9me controlled crying maybe needed and I'll have a look at the suggested thread, thank you.

DS won't take a dummy, I've tried lots of different ones over the weeks, no joy! His frequent wakes started a month before weaning, if anything weaning has help as it's settle this tummy and helped with endless dirty nappies. He loves his food and is a very hungry boy so will gradually increase meals and add some protein as currently only on veg. I need to wait a couple of weeks till I've spoken to the dietition with regards to introducing dairy and eggs because of his previous symptoms and he's been dairy free, via me, since mid Feb. Hence I can't introduce any formula just yet until I know if he needs dairy free, I'll happily then do some mix feeding so I can try and invlove H.

I suspect he's massively over tired due to his night wakes and lack of day sleep, our usual day looks like this:

6:30-7:00 wake
7:00 milk
Change, dressed, play
9:00 up to nursery, change, sleeping bag, feed to sleep
9:15-10:00 ish nap
Play/ Group, milk, small lunch (2 ice cubes of puree), play
12:00-12:30 up to nursery, change, sleeping bag, feed to sleep
12:45-13:30 ish nap
Afternoon play/visit/group/walk, milk
16:30-17:00 ish nap usually in pram walking
Home, play, milk. (Try to keep to calm play)
18:30-19:00 up to nursery, bath, massage, PJ's, sleeping bag, book, feed to sleep.

I'll then usually have wakes anywhere from 20,40,60 mins, occasionally DS will sleep for 2hrs max. He usually wakes crying and very windy, often squirming and farting. I watch to see if he'll resettle before going in. Very occasionally he will, usually not. I'll try to settle in cot, then pick up to calm, finally feed more often than not, put back in cot and it continues. Usually do 5 wakes, by which point I can no long resettle into cot and I'll take him to bed with me, 01:00 ish. He'll then sleep but still wake hourly for a little feed until morning.

I know I need to stop the feed to sleep association but how?

I'll feed on demand in the day too so could say exactly how many milk feeds we have!

Another suggestion, if you're not keen on having him in bed with you is for you to have a little mattress on the floor by his cot. It means he stays in his bed and you get to lie down. Daytime naps - possibly try a sling and go for a walk. Often a really good way to get babies to sleep.

I have fed all mine to sleep. As they got older I felt it was the best way to keep them having enough milk and to drain it from me properly, especially if during the day we were busy. It made no difference to any of them how they slept. One was fed to sleep until weaned but then needed me to lie next to him at night up until about 4. Another pushed me away to self settle at about 10 months. My current baby (1) wakes and settles by herself but also still likes milk to go off. They have all had awful periods waking constantly and wonderful periods where I get lots of sleep. There is something in the wonder week theory I think....that babies have a sort of schedule for these phases. But, obviously all babies are different and the food issues and sore tummy is going to have an effect and possibly render good suggestions useless. You are not failing, being a bad mum, doing anything wrong. No way.

You don't want to feed to sleep then you could try as pp's have said either a dummy or perhaps some white noise and a little gentle rocking. Transitions from one routine to another are hardest and only you will know if you're making progress or not and whether to continue or try something else.

I don't have the help I would like at nights a lot of the time and like your dp mine doesn't seem to really understand what my complaints are about. Rubbish and makes me irritable in an already stressful household. It's easy for people to say it's not acceptable but what are you going to do? You can talk and explain all you want but if it's already made no difference then what next..? It's good to moan and glad you've got friends to chat to. Hang in there

Hi @NaiceHamPlease I completely feel your pain my gorgeous PFB has never been a good sleeper. Initially as he was a premmie we were told being in neo natal won't have helped due to the lights and noise etc but I'm seven months on now and little has changed! I have managed a distinct day and night pattern with him - dark lights little noise at night etc and it has increased his sleep but not a lot. He will sleep for three 20 min power naps during the day. I like you did feed to sleep but since starting to wean I have noticed he doesn't always go to sleep post feed he try's to nuzzle in and gets himself off to sleep which until this week was unheard of. A couple things have helped but not cured my sleep issues;

I have a similar routine to you but after he has woken up 6.30am - I keep him up and don't feed him Milk I give him his breakfast and go for either porridge with fruit followed by yoghurt (obviously these are small portions but I think it is filling him up) or a rusk with milk then fruit and yoghurt- I then do play time with him and tummy time (after time for him to digest) and then he is starting to want to feed/sleep so I try to get him to 10am and his sleep has then increased to an hour (again just this week and a massive improvement from 20 mins!).

I have also been giving him "lunch" but like you it's a few spoons or cubes of fruit etc so afternoon nap hasn't increased. At night I am giving him a mini smushed up version of our dinner and then a feed but I have now stumbled across the fact that what seems to be waking him at night is his grobag- hates it - hello JOJomanmanbebe sleep suit so he can kick about to his hearts content and moving his cot into our room as he has outgrown his snuzpod. Like you I am not a fan of co sleeping terrified I'll roll on him or suffocate etc - but frankly it's survival at 1am when you have been up and down every 20 mins since 9pm! Or lying half in bed half in his snuzpod which has done nothing for a restful night sleep 😴 I have tried this (sleepsuit and cot trial) for the past two nights and dare I say last night he went down at 12.30 woke at 3.30 which is usually when he has a mammoth feed I left him in his cot reached in and patted him, that didn't work, picked him up fully expecting to feed him and start cosleeping when low and behold he nuzzled into me and went to sleep (whisper it) until 5.

I see another poster has suggested a mattress in the baby's room - you could try that but you might find the cot in your room easier if it will fit?

Good luck OP feel free to PM me I'm not sure I have cracked it but knowing how you feel I thought I would post this - if it's not helpful as you have already tried this at least you know you are not alone

Hi op, I can't offer any advice but just want to say my ds who is 6.5 months old has been exactly like yours when it comes to sleep. For us it's lasted about 7 weeks, 30 minutes naps if any at all and waking every 40-60 minutes with the occasional 20 minutes thrown in. I co-slept for a while but got in so much pain (backache) that we put the cot together again and my dp would sleep on an air Bed a couple of nights a week when I needed to catch up on sleep. Tuesday night my ds slept 2 hrs, the 2.5 hrs and then 40 minutes before he got into bed with me! I was so amazed!!! I thought it would never change as like you I feed to sleep and ds can't self settle. Mind you last night wasn't as good but not as bad as the other nights so my point is there is light at the end of the tunnel😊 I'm changing over to formula but I'm worried about how to deal with the night wakes without bf... My partner doesn't help much either and we have no family near by. Can you perhaps co-sleep a couple of times a week just to catch up on sleep? I do loads of walking as feeding to sleep for naps takes for ever and sometimes doesn't work but it also means that I don't get much done at home unless I put him in a sling. I think my ds is going through leap 5 as he has started having hysterical meltdowns for no apparent reasons and there have been a couple of times where I had to put him down and walk out the room to just take a couple of deep breaths, only for a minute but just to gather myself as the screaming is awful but it helps putting him in the sling. He too is otherwise a very happy little baby. Good luck op😊

The what worked for us thread is about a family who were wanting to stop BF to sleep. It took a while, but worked for them.

Sorry, forgot you said he was dairy free!

How does he nap in pram / car etc - does movement help him nap better?

I'm not much use, as having similar problems myself.

Recently, I have ensured that my baby is taking longer naps- apparently they have to be an hour to be restorative- if stirs- dummy in mouth and try and make them go to sleep again. 45 mins is the time of the sleep cycle.

I've been feeding to sleep- have just started a clear sleep routine ( bath, put in gro bag, feed with lullabies, wind and wake baby, turn lullabies off and put in cot) and leaving baby to settle- sometimes he takes twenty mins and I switch on lullabies if he gets a bit agitated- seems to work.

I know that at any moment this could go tits up! He's waking up quite a bit and I dont go to him until he cries. I also now ignore his leg thumping when I put him back after a feed and eventually he goes back to sleep.

Saying all that... I am soooo tired and at my wits end.