Screaming in cot

[RedPandaMama]

DD is 9mo, sleeps in her own room and has since about 5.5 months.

When she was newborn she screamed whenever she was put down in her sidesleeper cot. We tried Sleepyhead, Ewan etc nothing worked. She didn't have reflux or gas, she was absolutely fine laid flat in our bed and slept like a dream with us, so we just kept it that way. From 5 months I started BFing her to sleep in our room then carrying her into her own room, where she'd do half the night, then the whole night. She would only nap on me u til 6 months.

She's used to being in her cot by now, but we've still never gotten over her screaming when we put her down. I'm certain it's a separation anxiety thing but I don't know how to stop it. Its really distressing and she gets very upset, it never lasts more than 10 minutes and to be honest we're at the point of just letting her cry it out, even though I hate it, because otherwise we can be in there 2 hours trying to rock her to sleep. Gradual retreat etc don't work, it's the minute she's put into her cot she becomes incredibly upset, no amount of shushing or patting will get her to stop, until she is lifted out.

She wakes once in the night and feeds back to sleep then sleeps through until 6.30-8 and when she wakes up she's happy to stand at the cot bars and babble for half an hour so she obviously doesn't hate the cot. I think it's just being left.

I just feel so guilty and horrible leaving her 3 times a day to scream herself to sleep (2 naps and bedtime) but I don't know what else to do.

It says everyone online - it's only a temporary phase it will pass. Its been her whole life so far!
Advice?

Wish I could help, but I have the same problem with my 11 months old. I still spend 4-6 hrs a day just tryin to get her to sleep for naps and nighttime and I am utterly exhausted. I tried letting her cry once, and she sobs so inconsolably and screams that she pukes! So, never again. Following this thread because I am so utterly desperate for help. Maybe anyone knows something (and of course, I have tried EVERYTHING, white noise, routine, ceiling lights etc).

I'm certain it's a separation anxiety thing but I don't know how to stop it.

Erm, stop separating her?? Let her sleep in your bed/the same room as you/in a sling??

@PleddingWanner the result of that is no sleep for me or DP as she wants to BF every hour. We co-sleept for over 5 months and it was great at the start but couldn't cope any more with such little sleep, please don't make me out to be a bad person for wanting to get some sleep.

She naps in a sling or in her pram in the day.

My daughters the same - she just needs to cry a bit when dropping off. I sit on the other side of the room so she knows I'm there/haven't left her but I don't make eye contact, sometimes it helps to hold her hand but generally she needs a little grizzle to drop off.

Have you tried CC rather than CIO? Maybe she’ll have less separation anxiety if she knows that you do come back to check on her?

Sorry, the way I worked that was harsh and I do apologise.
To be honest I'm in a similar position myself and still Co sleeping because of it. If you find a solution please let me know too!

Bless you @keks0605 your situation sounds worse than mine. That sounds so hard. I hope someone comes to this thread with something that could help you. As I said above co-sleeping worked for us for a while, have you tried it? After 6 months-ish though DD started waking up and needing feeding every time one of us rolled over or moved in bed so her own space was better. But some people do it for years and it works wonderfully for them.

Thanks @PleddingWanner hopefully someone comes along to help you out too! Baby cuddles are lovely but own space is good.

Oh, we have co-slept ever since she was born. And still do, because in her cot, it is an utter nightmare, and now she only fallls asleep with me cuddling her, shhh, and singing for an hr or two. I think co sleeping is the probl, she wont sleep alone....

@PleaseAndThanks I'll do some reading on CC, is that the 'give it 2 minutes then 4 then 6 then 10' thing? We tried that but continuously going back in meant she kept standing at the bars with her little arms stretched out wanting to be picked up every time we walked in. It makes my heart weep!

Some people have suggested sleeping on a blow up bed next to the cot so she knows I'm there, I could try it.

Tonight it was less than 2 minutes crying and haven't heard a peep from her since. Once she's down she generally sleeps perfectly fine so I guess we're lucky in that respect and she seems happy enough in her cot. Just the actual settling at bedtime is hard.

We had this problen with DS. At the start I used to put him down in the cot and sit beside him where he could see me, holding his hand/rubbing his back/belly/stroking his hair and making NO eye contact until he dripped off. Slowly (over weeks) withdrew the physical contact but carried on sitting beside him. Eventually he stopped crying at being put down but would still cry if I left the room, so I slowly moved the chair further and further from the cot until he was used to having someone in the room but not necessarily beside him. It got to the point where I was able to just sit and read every night while he dozed off to sleep. He's 3 now and great at settling himself to sleep (but only after 2 stories).

Sitting beside them through the crying and giving constant reassurance (as frustrating as it does get) is the really hard part.

10 mins of crying is better than two hours of her being anxious whilst you rock and then put her down. From what you have explained you are very responsive to her needs and go on when she is reassured by your comfort. Rocking for 2 hours is not reassuring her. You are totally doing the right thing.

You'll hear those who co sleep disagreeing but you have to do what's right for you. My DS really struggled to sleep and has gradually got there over time. He's now 15 months and sleeps through in his own cot. If we co slept and tried to move to a cot now as he has a very firm sense of what he wants now it would be so distressing for him.. more so than when he was 9 months.

It will pass. (No guarantee on when though).

Just an idea: could you try putting her to bed a bit earlier, maybe she'd extra stressed because she's very tired? And do you have a nice cuddly bedtime routine?

Thank you for the kind & helpful messages, so much appreciated.

I will try an earlier bedtime. She usually goes between 7 and 7.30 at the moment but I could try 6.30 and see how it goes.

Current bedtime routine is:
Bath (every other night) with toys and chatting
Into bedroom with dim lights
Into nappy, pyjamas and sleeping bag (if a cool night, not at the moment!)
Play on bedroom floor for about 5 minutes
Teething gel and clean teeth
Cuddle in rocking chair and give bottle of milk in the dark
Put in cot drowsy but awake, usually drops off anything from 30 seconds to 5 minutes - naps are worse for the screaming and usually 3 to 10 mins.

We take turns doing this routine so one night DP and one night me. Reading that back maybe we get her too amped up before bed chatting and playing. Maybe gentle music while bathing and a story or song instead of playing could help?

If she has teeth you need to clean them after her bottle.
My 8 month old often cries at sleep times - I just sit in the room until she falls asleep. I don't do playing or stories yet, just sleeping bag, cuddle, into bed with comfort blanket.

Sounds like a great routine and that things are going well. Just keep consistent with your response when she cries and it'll get less. My DS cries turned into wimpers and now he chats and laughs bedore settling off.

Yup same here! All relaxed after bath, goes in cot initially calm and then screams like a banshee till lifted out. Think we need to be braver about seeing if he calms after a bit rather than instantly reacting but wow it's hard.
Also co slept for months and still do mist night which means no sleep for anyone. I swear I've thought about nothing else but DS's sleep for months!

I put the mattress from the spare bed on the floor of the nursery. Did 2 nights co sleeping on that, then a night with my hand in the cot then just in the same room. Now on night 5 and I will go in after the first wake up (still on 1-2 wake ups) It's only early days but it has definitely improved things for us.

Little update.

She had her tea (a whole 2 egg omelette with cheese!) at 6pm, then upstairs with DP for bedtime routine, I went in and did her milk, usual screaming as put into cot and attempts to stand up. I sat on the floor in the dark and put both my hands through the bars and semi-pinned her down with my right hand, and stroked her hair with my left hand while quietly 'shush'-ing, cried for about 10 seconds then fast asleep. Sat there for another 15 minutes just watching the gorgeous peacefulness.

Summary - thanks for all the advice, my new method is going to be stroking through the bars and sitting with her.