Slowly losing the will to live

[Stefkie]

My little girl is 14 weeks old. She used to go 3-4 hours in her moses basket of an evening, be fed, go down again for another 3-4 hours then be up for the day. For the past 3 weeks it's been a nightmare because she's decided that sleeping in her basket is not something she wants to do.

She has silent reflux, and I've been putting it down to that, but I'm not sure I can keep blaming it on something they its starting to be obvious it felt isn't. My OH works 12:30 till 9:30pm mostly every day. When he gets home about 9:50 he's having his dinner and taking the baby so I can go and get some sleep, and then we swap at 3am so he can sleep until 9am. He's sleeping on the sofa, and I'm sleeping in the bed with our LG.

She will only sleep on someone for longer than an hour. If we somehow manage to put her down she wakes up after 40 minutes and it can take 2 hours to get her back down again. When she's in the bed with me she doesn't really sleep either, and fussed and half wakes up every 30-40 minutes because I need to get more sleep and I'm not sitting upright. She'll usually go back to sleep with a few pats and some shushing when she's with me unless she's hungry then we're back to taking 1-2 hours to get her to sleep because she won't nurse to sleep. She will only nap on me during the day, and when she doesn't, and I manage to lay her down, it's never for long.

My partner and I have only shared a bed 5 or 6 times since we was born, where we were both sleeping. When we first brought her home he'd be in the bed, but awake playing PlayStation with the baby in the crook of his arm. I feel like our relationship is suffering, and I'm really starting to regret being a mum. I want things to go back to how they were. I want to be able to cuddle my OH without feeling like we're on borrowed time. I'm so tired all the time and it's making me angry and frustrated when she just. Won't. Sleep.

When will this end? When will I start enjoying being a mum? Right now I hate it.

My daughter’s sleep started getting worse around then. She is now 17 weeks and in the throes of the four-month sleep regression - Google it and weep! I think this may be what’s happening to yours. It’s been a real test of my patience, and has revealed a darker side to my character that even the mothering instinct can’t extinguish...

It’s nice that you miss intimacy with your partner so much- that suggests you have a very strong bond!

We l have days when we feel the way you describe, but if you feel like it all the time, you are depressed (TOTALLY normal in our situation) and need to seek support! HV, playgroup, GP, friends- whatever you are comfortable with. You owe it to yourself and your family

I understand you so well! Similar sleeping patterns, DD is driving me crazy and even if I love her to pieces I often think maybe I shouldn't have had children. I don't get the joy of the newborn stage at all. I miss time with my partner and everything I used to do, I'm anxious and isolated. But I honestly think this is more sleep deprivation than reality - as PP said, leave the house, join groups - even on 0 sleep, it will really help (it's helping me, and I'm an unsociable b*tch).
Also, ask for help - it took me a while but I spoke to my GP and HV about my feelings and it does make a difference just talking about it.

All that plus the mantra: this will pass.

Good luck x

Hi, this sounds really hard for you.
First, to reassure you, I think your baby is normal and you were just one of the lucky ones with a solid sleeper at the start, but this can change, as you've found. They develop very fast, and it affects sleep.
The 40 minute sleep cycles are pretty normal, although very annoying. We found if we expected them, and went in to be there just beforehand and re-settle, this would often mean they went for another full cycle.

Suggestions:

• I understood from your post that your OH has baby from 10pm through to 3am? So you're getting a 7 hour stretch of sleep? Or is there feeding/wakeups going on through that time? If you're not actually sleeping all that way though, can increase your evening sleep by getting to bed either while baby naps before he gets home, or by 11pm ( I assume the baby is sleeping at least a bit before 9:50pm) An extra top-up nap for you could help a lot.

• its interesting she won't nurse back to sleep at night. Have you tried using a soft sling instead? even if you have to get up and walk around a bit, it might be quicker than the 2 hours you describe. It might help with days naps too, as at least you'd be able to move around.

• For your relationship, can you extend your bed surface with a bedside cot, so that all three of you can be together from 3am onwards? Overall though, adjusting to the impact of a baby can be massive, and really I'd advise you to just take any quick moment for a hug and kiss, and don't even try and think about wanting it to be how it was- it will never be, even as they grow up and need you less physically, it's hard to get that luxurious time together as a couple. Not saying this to be negative, but to help you find ways to work a new path for intimacy and closeness. Totally understand about tiredness making everyone horribly irritable, it's very hard. Best advice is just to take deep breaths and both step back, and never argue about who has the most sleep!

Good luck