Help please - exhausted mum and DS for nearly 2 weeks

[FirstTimeRound984]

Last week my DS (2yo) saw a spider in his room in the middle of the night and screamed the house down. Since then he has not wanted to set foot in his room and has been having very late nights as consequence of sleeping in our room - he will not settle, thinks we are there to play etc. Have tried every night putting him in his room he just cries and refuses to sleep, looking around the room for spiders til eventually I give in and bring him to our room - tried bringing his whole bed into our room, still wouldn't get in it (the spider was on the ceiling above his bed) have rearranged his whole room so bed isnt where the spider was, changed bedding etc, still wont sleep in it. (He watched me do all this)
Me and DP are absolutely shattered, been trying to get him in bed since 9pm tonight, he's still wide awake crying even in our room - i went up before and he's looking around our room for spiders screaming that he scared of them. He's back at nursery next week and is a nightmare for getting up in the morning anyway so if this carries on he'll be even worse to the point I think i'll just not take him if he's not had enough sleep.
Once asleep he's fine and will usually sleep though (occasional wake for the toilet) its just getting him to sleep - in his bedroom - that's the problem. He used to sleep 12 hours straight, now he's only getting 7/8hours max.
I'm debating switching his and his brothers rooms but that would require dismantling and reassembling a massive bunk bed so I'd rather not do that!
Some one please help me!

Oh no that sounds exhausting! It sounds like he's started to learn that if he holds out long enough, he'll eventually get what he wants, which is being back in your room. Doing that might also be corroborating the idea that his room isn't safe.

Could you start to re-transition him back to his own room by sleeping in there with him? Maybe let him choose some new bed sheets? Fingers crossed something works for you soon!

I don't know if sleeping in his room will make a difference, I've already tried sitting in there reading to him (whilst he stands at the door and tells me to get out) had him watch me check corners/under bed etc and saying there's nothing there. he might also see me sleeping in his room as play time like when he's in ours. I will try it though as its a new idea I'd never have thought of that (tomorrow night! too tired tonight and have SS trying to sleep too, plus up with the dog at 6am so would prefer a semi decent sleep in my comfy bed!)
Asked my mum yesterday to swap beds - she has a bed for my DS when he sleeps over - thinking maybe a new bed might make a difference but who knows! (plus the bed she bought is way nicer than the one he currently has and will match his furniture better so win-win for me!) Definitely doing the bed sheet thing - an excuse to shop if anything

Can you tell him that the spider just wanted to be friends and is sad that he cant come and play. Maybe get him a cute stuffed spider as a toy?

Alternatively get a spray bottle, put some lavender oil in and water and tell him spiders hate it and run away from it as it is evil for spiders etc etc. Then show him how to spray it facing away from himself and let him spray the room whenever he wants

Sounds like you need the special "Spider Ritual" you need a ceremony where you light candles and sprinkle glitter around then eat yummy candy. No spider will EVER come into the room again. You can have a special anti-spider soft toy at the end which stays in the room. A special coordinated dance also helps

I'm so tired!
Please help me!

I've tried all these suggestions, not the 'spider ritual' as such but made up a song that he understood, liked whilst I sang but then wanted it singing all through the night!
Bought new bedding (got my mum to swap beds also) gave him his older brothers favourite stuffed toy to sleep with (older brother has it at ours for comfort - was originally mine i 'loaned' to brother to help settle in the new house, DS understands its older brothers 'cuddle toy'). Tried spraying the room (albeit with febrezze but i was desperate and had no lavender oil!)
Have even got nursery involved they having being reading him books involving spiders and during outside play encouraging kids to hunt for insects etc to try and get DS to understand those kind of things cant hurt him etc. Last night let him choose where to sleep, he chose brothers room but when for some reason got scared of his own shadow and refused to sleep in there too. he ended up sleeping half the night on the landing whilst I sat on the stair watching him (for fear he might sleep walk down the stairs or something)
Tonight, he is not willing to do anything, go n any room except ours and only because he thinks he was watch tv in there. He's not allowed to and has not stopped crying since 9pm.
I'm done. I will not go near him now and DP is upstairs as i type trying to settle him. I went up earlier and starting crying in front of him, I'm so drained and hate seeing him so distraught but I just want him to sleep! I couldn't help crying, DS stopped crying when he saw that I was and actually started laughing! Then demanded I put the tv on, said no and he screamed at me, fell - over dramatically - to the floor and banged him head (purposely) on the floor then whinged that his head hurt. i comforted him, gave a cuddle and decided to treat him like a proper baby - rocked him in my arms waiting for him to drift of but as soon as i put him down boom wide awake again.
I'm not downstairs debating with myself whether to get smashed of my bottle of whiskey or just go to bed on the sofa, either way I'm not going upstairs again tonight! At the end of my tether, been nearly 3 weeks of less than average (my average being 5/6hours) of sleep and I'm done for. It's affecting my vision now - I have quite bad eyes, dry eyes according to my optician its due to overuse of contact lens and she said if I don't get enough sleep I can get blurred vision throughout the day through lack of moisture to my eyes. This morning I could barely see to brush my hair and ordered a take away for tea as I didn't trust myself to cook properly. I'm struggling to see as I type this tbh.
Sorry for the essay. I'm so lost!!!

Sorry for spelling errors, typing fast and as said struggling to see properly! Bottle of whiskey as yet unopened!!

Didn't want to continue to leave this unanswered.

I know that the spider incident triggered all this, but it's irrelevant now, he is milking it. Stop talking about it, reading books about it etc. I would say the only answer is going to be rapid return/controlled crying or something like it but I wonder if you are now too tired to do this. So he is going to sleep in his room, in his bed, normal bedtime, no question, and you just keep going without talking about any of it until he does eventually sleep. Would your mum, dh and you do a night each so you each get two bedtimes 'off'? I would also get some kind of emergency childcare during the day to tire him out - you need an older teenager to run him up and down hills and spend 2 hours in the swimming pool, every day. I wonder if nursery is just not active enough for him at the moment.

If he’s sat in your room crying too, then surely nothing you do to his room is going to make a difference? It sounds like you are going all out on the spider front, and I wonder if maybe you making a lot of fuss too is validating for him that it’s a Big Deal? Try putting his bed back to where he’s used to it, and spending lots of time in his room in daylight so he can see there’s nothing to worry about, and take a brisk but cheerful attitude to the whole thing, and focus on just putting him to sleep in his room. All the efforts to reassure are also setting it up as a Big Drama, which is making it harder to just move past it.

Me and DP sort of tag team it, first cry i go up, second cry he goes etc. Tonight DP has taken on the majority as I'm so exhausted. I wouldn't ask my mum to help as she works ridiculous hours so wouldn't be fair on her, she has him every other friday all day so i get a 'break'. We don't bring up the spider issue, he does as soon as he's up the stairs - that in itself takes a good half hour - unless he needs to loo! I have always just said 'right upstairs bed and book' Before the spider incident would come up no problem but since its like he's scared to even climb the stairs, I don't say anything but what I normally would 'time for teeth brushing' etc.
Spent the last few days after nursery encouraging upstairs, playing with toys on the landing then slowing moving myself and toys into him bedroom. he okay being in there now playing but when it comes to sleep he just won't have it.
I should have said in my previous post I only did the song/spraying stuff after he'd expressed he didn't want to go in. The bedding and bed change was a deliberate thing on my half that maybe wasn't the best idea. In hind sight, It might have been easier to stick with his original bed and take to get him in that as opposed to completely changing his room. I was planning to redecorate his room in the coming weeks (previous plans before Spider Gate) going to hold off on that for now

Also, only crying in out room because i won't turn the tv on for him.
Older brothers in schol so cant't get them round for entertainment, have set days with DP's ex and usually 'has plans' if we ask to have them for tea an extra night or whatever so DS nly sees them EOW and every other tuesday for tea

Google Lucas the spider. It's a friendly spider and show it to your son that he just wants to be his friend. Then I think as the other posters have said, you need some tough love and he needs to be in his own room. Given the choice of course he will chose yours/ his brothers room. Don't give him any choices, explain what's happening and follow through.

kentgirl1 definitely googling that Lucas Spider tomorrow, DS still not asleep but i won't give him screen time past 8pm (when we would usually start bedtime routine) so wont do it now as he will use it as an excuse to stay awake.

i know i need to do tough love, I tried that week one and it didn't work, plus DP is a soft touch and will go to DS even even he isn't fussing - v. frustrating! Told him an hour ago to put DS is his own room and leave him (we've a baby gate on his door so he cant get get) DP didn't listen and is up there again now trying to settle him in our room. I've opened the whiskey, two drinks in (whiskey and coke, i can't drink it straight though i wish i could sometimes!) and feeling extremely tired. I want my bed but not with DS in it!
I wouldn't mind if he slept in brothers room, at least there'd be sleep happening! I know my 2DSS would be happy to share his bed with my DS (they have had 'sleepovers' in his room before) but I don't want it to be a forever thing, DSS are teenager who want their own space I don't want to sleep deprive them either!
DS is going to my DM on friday so I'm going to spend the day catching up on sleep and hoping to start afresh with a bedtime routine without being overtired myself, maybe if my patience is a little less short, we may be able to entertain the idea of his bedroom without me bringing pillows out to the landing and making a 'pillow cave'!!

Additional note, according to DP our DS doesn't like the bathroom now either! (I've no idea why, I don;t even want to know!) So basically he hates the whole of upstairs!
Genuinely thinking about moving house now!

He’s 2. He’s going into that age where he doesn’t like anything and ‘no’ is the best word by the world. He’s testing the boundaries and you need to just press on and not give it air time really.