Help Please - mum and dad really struggling with 12 month who fights the cot and doesn't sleep for more than two hours at a time even when held/co-sleep. Is there a gentle solution.

[tam203]

Our little one is a delight when she's awake and rested but we are really struggling with sleep. Currently naps are nearly always on mum and often feed to sleep. Mum isn't getting anytime to herself, I don't know how she copes (or if she can continue to). Night time we sneak her in to the cot once asleep and get a couple of hours if we are lucky to ourselves (to tidy up, do the washing, make tea, and get ready to do it all again!!!). Overnight we will bring here in to our bed when she wakes. Even when in with us she's waking about every 2 hours and often mum has to sit up, hold and feed her (rather than lying down sideways to feed) as nothing else will calm her enough for anyone to sleep, mum sometimes spends half the night sat up, half awake half asleep and with a bad neck/back in the morning. He is last night:

Fall asleep at 19:11 peaceful in mum's arms. Not feeding.
Woke at 2135 settled at first with dad but then woke again and v hard to settle even with mum feeding. Back in cot at 2305 asleep.
Wake 2338 bring in to our bed. Feed to step.
Wake 3:20. Feed to sleep.
?? Constant not really settling small sleeps mum holding sitting up as only way to settle a little.
Wake 6:05 Feed
Didn't really settle again
Get up 6:40

We understand the theory (we think), if she falls asleep feeding/held she expects that when she wakes every hour or so and can't get back off without it. However we struggle with causing any significant distress (a bit of compalings fine, but the screaming thrashing, head banging, coughing, spluttering, can't breath for a few seconds kind is something else).

I've looked at all the 'gentle' methods but at this age they don't seem gental for our little one. Even if we stay in the room when she goes in the cot she gets distressed (retreating chair). Pick up and put down doesn't advocate actually picking up at this age and a quick pat / soothing word doesn't calm her down. The only thing that seems really 'gentle' is fading but I don't know how to fade from being held and fed to sleeping in the cot! Or if we can survive the time it would take.

To complicate things she's really going through some separation (from mum) anxiety at the moment.

Just to say I (dad) am happy to do my bit at night (though am at work in the day but can take some holiday) but that when it comes to breast feeding to sleep which often seems the only option I'm not very capable. Also mum struggles to our little one get worked up and distressed when she knows she can make it better. This means I get better (but not good sleep) and I'm aware and uncomfortable of this imbalance. Especially as I think going to work is the easier thing to do the next day!

We really are at struggling and (I feel) it puts a strain on all aspects of our life such as how I feel and am at work and our relationship with each other and friends.

Help much appreciated.

I have heard good things about dr jay gordons night weaning which may help. Not tried it myself (yet) this sounds like one of the gentlest ways that may stop night wakings. My 12mo also loves to wake every 2 hours or so and only feeds back to sleep while sitting up (he gets VERY annoyed when I try to feed lying down 🤨) So your OH has my full sympathy!

It sounds like you've tried a lot which is possibly quite confusing for her but have you tried full time cosleeping? So make the room very dark, feed to sleep lying down, firm hand on her so she learns that going to sleep is about lying still in a dark room?

We put DS onto a mattress on the floor at 12mo so that I could still cosleep and feed to sleep on any wake up but I could also escape without having to move him. It worked brilliantly and he started sleeping through. That hasn't lasted because of illness, trips away, general being a baby etc but that's how these things go and we get decent stretches of sleep.

We used Jay Gordon's nightweaning plan with my daughter from about 17mo so we might try some of that soon (he's now 15mo) but to be honest, this works for now so we're not in any rush.

Hope things get a bit better soon!

Thanks @teaandbiscuitsforme and @BorahT .

I hadn't heard of Dr Jay Gordons night weaning, so after a quick look I think that looks promising. Thanks for the tips. I thought I'd read everything about sleep!!!

So at nap time do you "go to be" i.e. follow the same routine? At the moment we do different things in the middle of the night from naps and going to bed at the start of the night. I see this could confuse DD. Currently she's usually held for naps, would you suggest changing this to laying down together in bed?

We have tried a few things (and had some success with retreating chair at 6 months but that slipped after some illness, christmas, travel, being a baby) and I'm reluctant to launch into the next endeavor without commitment and a firm plan we both feel we can see through.

Also with the mattress, you just leave her in the middle, I guess at the start of the night and naps, safe in the knowledge a 1 yr old isn't going to come to any harm 'falling' a few inches off a mattress?

Thanks again.

That sounds v tough, poor both of you. Here's what I know (after 3 very cuddly dc):

As you've identified, your dd needs to learn to fall asleep on her own. But this is very hard to tackle.

The thing to start with is the morning nap. This is the one to teach new sleep patterns on. Then build up to the other ones. Get a routine (I find weebeedreaming.com's sleep schedules very good) going, using whatever means necessary to get her to sleep at the right time. Then tackle the first nap. Cuddle her (or whatever) to sleep, but as you put her into her cot, jiggle her so she stirs a little. Increase the amount you wake her gradually each day, until you are putting her down awake. Yes there might be a bit of fussing/ indignation when you are putting her down wide awake, but no more than a minute or two. I dare say someone will bash this method, but I feel it's worked well for me and my dc and has been a decent solution to avoid killing myself through sleep deprivation and doing anything stressful and distressing to my baby. Hth good luck!

I either feed DS to sleep on the mattress in his room for naps or he sleeps in the car. My 3 year old still naps so DS tends to have a quick morning power nap in the car these days and then we're all home most days for a lunchtime nap so that's in his bed. It was easier to be more flexible with 1 child but DS is certainly an easier sleeper and has always had a lunchtime nap at home because of DD so it may have helped.

With regards to the mattress on the floor, we use foam bed guard wedges which fit under the sheet. They're certainly not necessary- as you say, what real harm can they come to, but we used them when he coslept in our bed and they definitely help to keep him on the mattress. We then have a video monitor on the keep track of him.

I think you probably either need to tackle feeding or where she sleeps; it's too much for all of you to change everything. So if you want to tackle sleeping, I'd try cosleeping naps as much as possible. She'll drop to 1 nap in the next couple of months so try to have 1 nap a day in bed? Or go for it on a mattress if that idea seems like it might work. Keep the room really dark though so extra blackout blinds if you've not got them already.

Or tackle the feeding to sleep and night wean. To me this is a much harder job and is going to require a lot of input from you. Personally I'd rather night wean when things are fairly stable and everybody's in a good place, but other people would want to go for it to try and get everything sorted. It really depends on how your partner is feeling.

Good luck!

I definitely agree with Co sleeping and putting to sleep on your bed. I have a camera so can see if my little one wakes up. It's s really important that they're warm enough. I've recently bought a Jo Jo mama snuggle suit and my little one is now sleeping through the night (she does stir but I just shush her). Also I have a white noise app on constantly and when she goes to sleep and I think this helps with a deeper sleep.

I would embrace cosleeping, it sounds like she won’t ever settle in the cot (like my DD).

Mum can feed to sleep on your bed, and then stick on a video monitor. To resettle just feed back to sleep and sneak off again. Much quicker than feeding to sleep in arms and transferring.

It’s all hard but normal for high needs babies (look this up it’s helps :) )

Thanks every one for the input. I think we need some time to digest but I'm sure I'll be back with questions soon!