Posted before but need help even more now

[Rif3121M]

DS 14 months old wont sleep unless rocked. We have two options let him cry for an hour or I rock him for an hour cause DH can't physically rock him due to Severe chronic hip and knee problems. I don't mind the cuddles but I am in so much pain by time he is even starting to close his eyes I cannot do it every single time he needs to sleep anymore. Nap time and bed time both need to be rocked unless taken out in the car. He no longer breastfeeds, doesn't have a dummy, doesn't have any physical comforter like a blanket or teddy so is solely dependent on the rocking. If we try being in the room without holding him he gets worse. If we try coming back in after stretches of time he just gets worse each time we leave. We need help because this past week it's been every night of over 40 mins of rocking or if I've left the room to cry myself due to exhaustion or pain from rocking him for so long he'll just cry for over 40 mins. Any advice experiences help would be greatly appreciated thanks in advance.

Bless you. I’m guessing you’ve always rocked him to sleep
Since birth. So he’s just doing what comes naturally to
Him and probably can’t go to sleep any other way.
I think I’d give shush pat a go. Where you lay him down And shush him to sleep while patting.
If he stands up you just lay him down again and kee shushin and patting. He will be cross but hopefully it will get easier.
Or hold his hand while he lays down.. then you can do gradual retreat over time where you sit further and further away from the cot.
Don’t leave him to cry, it’s brutal.
I bf my middle child to sleep
Until she was 16 months so I know about giving them crutches to sleep! Shush pat and gradual retreat did work for us but it did take time. Good luck

If you want to keep rocking as to cause minimal upset/crying- Do you think a rocking chair might work? Means you could sit down and cuddle. My nursing chair rocks and DS can’t resist getting sleepy if we are sitting it in.

If you want to bite the bullet and use this as an opportunity for baby to learn to go to sleep in the cot then as suggested you could try shh/pat. Or looking at gentler sleep training methods such as PUPD etc. Of course there’s is also CC (although Im not a supporter of this myself) with the idea the first few nights will be rough but baby should then get the idea.

Following as I have a similar issue with my 16 month old, but I have a rocking chair. She still lays on me and it's incredibly uncomfortable though. Shushing and patting doesn't work for us because she just stands up and screams until she's sick so we're at a bit of a loss...

Dd was exactly the same, except she had to be rocked in a pram for up to 2 hours every nap/bedtime. It drove me absolutely mad!

Eventually I popped her in her cot one day, lay on my bed where she could see me and let her cry. I was there, it was purely a frustrated cry rather than a terrified “where Mummy” cry. It took a while, but she eventually laid down and fell asleep. After a few more times with me laying in the room, I put her down and left, she whinged for probably 2 minutes and then went to sleep. It was a bloody miracle!

Controlled crying wouldn’t have worked with her, because the leaving and going back in would just have upset her more. The fact that she could see me meant she knew she wasn’t alone and nothing bad was going to happen, just that she needed to sleep now and I wasn’t giving it like I previously had.

Now she goes down in her cot and is asleep within a minute or less for every nap and bedtime.

Different transition I know, but when I went from bf DS to sleep I lay down and cuddled him close until he fell asleep. He was still cross not to be nursing to sleep, and took a few nights to adapt, but it seems a much less stark transition than going straight to shh-pat in terms of how much physical closeness is retained? I'd also second the suggestion of a rocking chair...

@Oly5 I used to bf to sleep and then got to a point where he'd feed for over an hour before sleeping.

@TeddyIsaHe I'm the same he gets so upset and worse if I leave and come back or comfort from a distance.

Thanks for all the replies.
A couple of notes.
I do have a chair although it's creaky and too loud to be worth it and can't afford a new one :-(. I used to bf him to sleep then he just started going to sleep on his own no help from me pretty much the night I stopped bf him to sleep. I'd give him a cuddle and he'd go to sleep. CC might be a god send for some but personally I hate CC we tried it once on my daughter lasted about an hour I said no way not happening so haven't even thought of it for DS and won't try it since he gets so much worse the longer he's left.

I absolutely hate leaving him to cry and the only reason I have some nights is that it has just got too much for me pain wise, exhaustion wise and he's no closer to sleep than when I started.

I do think the shush and pat might be worth or the just being there and not leaving at all til he's asleep.

Will see how it goes.

Thank u to you all so much though. Xx

I would just sit quietly by his cot so he knows you are there - hold his hand, rub his back, make soothing noises if you can but mostly just be there.
He will be tired and angry and will probably scream the place down, but you can't continue how you are.

Give it a go, you might find it takes 45 mins, an hour or longer, but if you’re there nothing bad will happen to him. And honestly, dd got it so quickly after that it took less than a week till she was happily going down on her own.

Saved my sanity completely.

Thank you @MollyDaydream and @TeddyIsaHe I am gonna try that I don't mind how long it takes I just was at a loss where to start with it having him cry. Xx

I had this with my first and ended up getting into a state as I had a chest infection that was so bad I physically couldn't rock her anymore. It was about 14m and I literally had no choice but to do something else.

She had a teddy comforter which we used and nursery had told me that she would go to sleep with a back rub in the cot. So I lent over the cot, almost in there and rubbed her back and kind of rocked her whilst holding her gently down. Took ages to be honest but I had to stick to it as no other option. This then moved to me sitting by side of cot then sitting by the door then sitting outside the door.

I am kinda in the same boat with my second who is 12m. But this time I rock for a short time - like 30 seconds then put back down and walk out, I do this prob 5 times and eventually he self settles and I do t need to go back in. He has a dummy though which my first would not. I'm Hoping with this one he will grow out of needing the rocks but it's better than the 1hr rocking I did with my first.

I have never mastered naps - I rocked my first til he just had 1 nap a day and then we used he car and transferred. With my second I rock him for naps and use the car.

To be fair I hate baby sleep - no logic to it for me lol xx

Have you ever tried white noise OP?

You could also try and encourage him to use a soft toy/muslin for comfort. Find the softest one he has and wear it down your top all day today so that it smells of you.

@FortheloveofJames I totally forgot to say he has a lullaby machine with a projector light which I can choose the light setting so it's bright dimmed or none and the lullaby has three settings. I have never used the white noise/weather noises so will try that better than a voice occurring randomly on the lullaby setting. It also has a motion sensor so if he wakes it'll set itself off. It's worked until now so will try the noise setting. X

I think he’s a bit old for white noise to work.
I think as long as you’re in the room OP and good his hand, pat him or offer comfort while he’s crying (without actually picking him up or rocking), he will be cross but get the message.
I think It’s different to CC, which I think is cruel. I could never leave a baby crying alone in the dark.
Best of luck. I’m sure I’ve got all this coming with dc3!

On the other side, I actually know a few older babies that have responded to white noise having never used it before. White noise works best when played loud continuously. We used the same track from Spotify, on repeat, loud, all night long. Same for naps. We tired just using the method of using till sleep and then back on when stirring but it didn’t work as well.

Whatever you decide to try may result in some crying, but agree with the above that you being there providing constant comfort/reassurance is totally different from CC.

Good luck OP!

Thank you @Oly5 and @FortheloveofJames bedtime now so fingers crossed. X

Let us know how you get on op. Will be thinking of you! It’s always tough in the beginning

Okay, it took over an hour for him to stop wriggling about with my hand on him I was in agony by time he was settling a little so I sat on the chair in his room and he just walked about played and tried talking to me so I closed my eyes and just waited. He then got the teddy I give him and threw it out so I passed it back which became a game so I took that off him. I at this point was almost doubled over in pain needing a wee haha tmi sorry lol. So I walked out to go to the bathroom as discreetly as I could soon as the door was closed he cried although by time I'd finished (not long) he's stopped so I checked him on the monitor and he was lay down so I'm not entirely sure what worked there so will have to see how tonight goes.

If it always takes an hour to settle him could you try putting him to bed an hour later?

That’s great progress in one night though! It shows he is totally capable of self-settling even if he doesn’t want to

Hopefully tonight it’ll take a little less time, and get easier throughout the week. Well done though!

My daughter (8 months) has started getting really worked up at bedtime and only rocking has helped, but like you my back is getting sore. Last night I rolled her on her side and tried shush/pat which didn't work at all when I tried it at 3-4 months. She was asleep within two minutes. She slept on her side for a couple of hours and then I rolled her onto her back before we all went to bed. She only woke twice last night, and once was a result of a coughing fit (she has a cold). This is really unusual for her as she's a bad sleeper, so I'm going to keep trying shush-pat from now on.

I thought that @MollyDaydream although my OH pointed out that he woke up from his nap at 3 instead of 2 so was too close to bedtime we'll see.

Thank you @TeddyIsaHe it wasn't so bad just gonna see what works tonight after he's had a shorter nap. But yeah it was less than a couple mins and he was asleep he also slept through the night which recently he's been waking up.

@SparkleHorse82 That's great hopefully shush pat continues to work for you congrats on a better nights sleep wish me luck with mine lol. My daughter did that she wouldn't take a dummy then 4 weeks later took one and slept through the night!! Xx

Good luck tonight @Rif3121M hope he goes down well for you!

@TeddyIsaHe I put him in bed after a quick cuddle sat in his room for 15 mins until he lay down and was messing with his cover. I then left and he whinged for a few minutes but rolled over and went to sleep!! now I just gotta keep it up and keep my calm haha. Literally took less than 25 mins from putting him in bed to sleeping soundly on his own. 😁🙏🏻🙌🏼

Thanks to who gave advice, shared an insight to their experience and just said good luck. I appreciate it so much just getting that support meant a lot as you can tell I'm an over thinker and get too emotionally stressed (never used to be..... kids ey?) Haha. Thanks again. Good luck to you still hoping something will work. Xxxx