Need advice on tact...

[Prembabymum]

So my lo is 1 today and has been unwell for a while now with a tummy bug, then a virus and now a cold. It means he's often been coming into our bed at night because he's hard to settle otherwise. We always follow the safety advice; no alcohol, no duvet, no pillows etc.

However he stays at my MIL's house 2 x per week and I've just found out that he co-sleeps when he's there too. I can completely understand why they do it but I want it to stop. My FIL is very overweight and has a heart condition, they both drink every night (I'm not totally sure how much they drink when he is there but I'm pretty sure they have a glass or 2), she is an ex-smoker but spends a lot of time with her sister who smokes and I'm not even sure they know about guidelines around duvets and pillows.

They are meant to have him tomorrow night and I'm keen to find a tactful way to approach the subject with them but it's really tough. They are lovely people and have been very good to us so I don't want to upset them. Any advice?

A one year old can have a duvet and pillow

I would suggest telling them that you are sleep training him and produce a 'schedule,' specify that he will sleep alone. I assume he has a cor/bed to sleep in at their house?

A one year old can have a duvet and pillow

What's the guidance on when it becomes ok? I'm interested because I have an 11 month old who sleeps in her cot 99% of the time but I brought her into my bed a couple of nights ago and still felt nervous about suffocation and overheating. She gets warm very quickly if she ever ends up under the duvet when she plays on my bed.

OP, I think that this should have been discussed with you before it ever happened, especially if he has been busy staying with them since a younger age.

I would just say to them that you have decided to make a point of ensuring he learns to sleep independently in his own cot.

12 months is the advice

OP
Even if it is ok for him to have a duvet and pillows I still don't blame you for not wanting them to co-sleep with your child as they clearly aren't aware of the guidelines!
I would suggest doing what others have said and telling them you want him to learn to sleep alone. Failing that, I think you will need to just tell them that they shouldn't as it's dangerous.
From experience though, relatives of a different generation always seem to think they know better than us!

The complication is that he was 10 weeks early so the guidance for a 1 year old doesmt always apply.

But if he cosleeps with you he will be used to it. Are you really expecting them to persevere putting him back in the cot when you don't??

The thing is they shouldn't be co-sleeping with him anyway without OPs permission!
Especially because of the drinking and her FIL being overweight etc. Sounds like they are going against pretty much all official advice regarding safe co-sleeping!

I know what you mean @keepitgoing and my dh and have decided to stop for that reason. We never had before this month anyway, it's only because he's had one illness after another recently that I've found it easier to settle him in with us. We've decided to go cold turkey tonight and keep him in his own bed. I just need to tell my MIL to do the same tomorrow night as she is looking after him after his birthday party (we are having a big fundraiser for the hospital) and my FIL will definetly have a few drinks. He really CAN'T be in their bed after that.