Why does my 14 month old wake up so often and what (more) can we do to help him sleep through?

[paddypops]

My 14 month old has never been a good sleeper, in that while he is not that difficult to get to sleep, and generally sleeps to a sociable hour, he wakes up repeatedly all night - sleeping no more than 2-3 hours at a stretch and often less. I breastfeed him back to sleep. We have paid for (gentle) sleep advice and implement all sorts of 'tricks' (structured bedtime routine, low lighting at bedtime, no screens before bed, lavendar oil in nursery and bath, orange nightlight, sleeping bag with feet uncovered, nursery/home not too hot/cold etc etc etc) but we've not seen any meaningful improvement in his sleep since he turned one, like we thought we would. I know that he may sleep less well when he's sick/teething/in a new environment (visiting family) but he's only slept through (11-6am) once ever. I'm physically sick and bordering on nonfunctional tired now (trying to work full time). I am also totally fed up of unsolicited sleep advice from well meaning family which makes me feel like we've done something wrong by breastfeeding him to sleep and co sleeping. My husband and I do not want to try any sleep training that involves crying. Can anyone provide any constructive advice or words of experience that may give me hope that it will get easier soon? Aside from the frequent waking he is a joy! Thank you x

Have you tried the No Cry Sleep Solution? It involves gentle steps to gradually move away from feeding to sleep. I have a co-sleeping, fed to sleep 9 month old so I would love to know what you try and how it works for you. Also the Dr Jay Gordon night weaning techniqe. He is a bug advocate of co-sleeping and breadtfeefing. Although I think he does advise that some crying is to be expected, he recommends comforting and staying with your toddler while you try to encourage self settling. Certainly no rules about not picking them up.

Are you bed sharing? I ask because I used to bed share until my DD was 13 months old. She started to sleep through when I wasn’t in the room so I set up her toddler bed in her room and took her in every day to play and read books one day I put her down for a nap the usual way white noise sleeping bag lay down beside her and fed her she fell asleep and has been on her own room almost two months now.

Watching with interest.... I have a 15mo who wakes frequently. I stopped bf a couple of months ago in hopes it would improve things but no... He goes to bed in his cot but gets in with me when he wakes for the first time. No idea what to do as both DDs were sleeping through in their own rooms by this age and slept really well once I stopped bf - at 1yo each time.
Interested to hear the advice you get OP as I am also exhausted and struggling.

I got my 11 month old to sleep through (so far anyway) by doing a mixture of fading/gradual retreat with an aim of putting her down awake and falling asleep by herself as I was feeding/rocking/cuddling to sleep and I felt she woke up because she’d stir and not be able to get back to sleep by herself.
It took about 3 weeks but I gradually started feeding when she was awake and rocking/cuddling her for less and less amounts of time then patting/resting my hand on her asleep in the cot to then being able to put her down awake

The consensus is that the method through which you put your child to sleep is the same method they’ll need to get back to sleep throughout the night. So either - stop feeding your child to sleep and when he wakes he won’t expect feeding to sleep or follow a method like jay Gordon where you have different rules overnight

The first thing that’s stood out is you feed your child to sleep. For your child to be able to self sooth and fall back asleep by themselves, they need to learn to fall asleep by themselves. If a child is always patted, rocked fed to sleep etc, On a general note if they wake at any point in the night they will need that same method to be put back to sleep. So you need to put your child down whilst they are still awake but sleepy. It won’t be easy in regards to the age of your child but it will definitely help.

Hi Yerazig. I am not so sure about the drowsy but awake technique - THE MYTH OF 'DROWSY BUT AWAKE'

Most 'experts' tell parents that the key to getting their baby/toddler to 'sleep through the night'* is that the child has to learn to fall asleep independently, including (and especially) falling to sleep alone initially.

I want to set things straight:

1. You really don't need to put your child down "drowsy but awake".
2. You don't ever have to stop feeding to sleep
3. You don't ever need to make sure that your child falls asleep in their cot
4. You don't ever have to stop cuddling/stroking to sleep (rocking is totally fine too, although you'll want to be happy with rocking for some time, so if your baby is getting pretty big you may want to slowly wean from it).

I have worked with countless parents who still cuddle/feed their children to sleep at the start of the night but who 'sleep through'.
Seriously, if you ever find yourself listening to an expert telling you that the key to getting your child to 'sleep through' is in teaching them to go to sleep as independently as possible at the start of the night, I would strongly advise you don't bother listening to them any more, because they don't know what they're talking about.

There is no one magic key to getting children to 'sleep through'*, it's complicated, it's messy, it involves at least 30 (or more) different factors that differ for all children. One of these keys however is in helping the child to feel happy, relaxed and secure - the best way to do that? Hold them all they need, especially at night.
So you can all officially enjoy the snuggles tonight!

• NOTE: 'Sleeping through' is a completely incorrect term, nobody 'sleeps through', what you're really aiming for is for you child to transition between sleep cycles without needing you in the night. There will be time in the night when they are awake - always, just like you. I wish this stupid term would disappear!

P.S: If you want to read more gentle sleep advice, tips and Q&As sign up for my new free weekly newsletter here and get them delivered straight to your inbox: sarahockwell-smith.us12.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=553027bbcafbbc07f9c68b7e3&id=e533c1dc23

Sorry, wanted to post a link and couldn't. This is the person I got my gentle sleep advice from, which hasn't really changed much for us yet.... interested in others experiences...

Thanks ForEverlong. Some people would disagree with that. So it's hard to know what to do. I spoke with a sleep expert and a breastfeeding counsellor recently and both said it was possible to night wean without stopping breastfeeding to sleep, and maybe (maybe,...) this could reduce night waking...

Thanks PlanetMJ. Never heard of these so will take a look

Thanks Ashpan26, I have tried breastfeeding him to sleep on his floor bed in his nursery and going in to do the same to get him back to sleep but it always ends up with me taking him to bed with me because he wakes less when we co sleep/ it's leas tiring for me to deal with...

Emsyj37 - thanks - comforting to know I am not alone!!

How does he get to sleep at nap times? I fed to sleep at bedtime but taught my son to self settle at nap times and he started sleeping through around 6 months, but I carried on BF until 23 months.
I think if he has never learnt to go to sleep by himself at all then he won't be able to get back to sleep by himself when he wakes at night. I'm not sure there is a method that involves zero crying though. We did pick up/put down which still involved some tears.

Hi PeteovaFossil1, I feed him to sleep for naps unless we're out walking or in car but he goes to sleep fine at nursery five days a week....

Lots of sympathy OP DS was exactly as you have described and it was hell.

I got into a habit of feeding to sleep as well because it was the easiest and quickest way to get both of us back to sleep. I found that he was only taking tiny feeds before he fell back to sleep on me, so definitely not hungry. I'm afraid the only thing that worked was some very gently controlled crying. I know you've said you don't want to try controlled crying, but it worked an absolute treat here and took 1 night. I let him cry for 3 minutes, went in and settled him back to sleep with his dummy and my hand on his chest for 2 minutes, then stretched the crying by 2 minutes each time - so 3, 5, 7, 10, going in for the 2 minutes of resettling between each cry. We got to 10 minutes at his first wake up at 1am, then I didn't hear from him until 5:30am and at this wake up he went back to sleep after 5 minutes. The next night he slept 7-7 and has done ever since. I'm only awake now because I've got a tickly cough that's driving me mad!

I'm not trying to persuade you to do something you don't want to do and you've obviously had advice that it can be done without crying, but in my opinion you've got to let the baby 'learn' to go back to sleep on their own and if you intervene by feeding every time they wake they don't have a chance to practice that new skill. That one night only totalled just over 30 minutes of crying and has saved many more weeks/months of crying (from DS and me!) so I can't argue with that.

Good luck