How 'bad' is co-sleeping, really?

[2ducks2ducklings]

My 4.5mo has never been a great sleeper. His older brother and sister slept through at 8 weeks and although I know I'm not supposed to compare the kids and that every child is different, I won't lie in saying I was sort of hoping for a similar journey this time around.
He goes to bed between 7-8pm after a bath. He is brilliant at this part and goes straight to sleep. As his last feed is just before this time, I tend to dream feed him between 10-11pm before I go to bed (he's ff). Again, he goes back to bed wonderfully. And then it all goes pear shaped. From about 2am he wakes up crying. I feed him and he'll go back into his cot fine but doesn't really settle then for the rest of the night. He'll wake up screaming every 10-20 minutes and only stops when I pick him up. He falls back to sleep the instant I give in and put him in our bed. I normally try to hold out until 4am for this so I'm not giving in straight away. I know he's not hungry at this point because of the instant sleep, before he has even touched our mattress properly.
My question is, how bad is this practice really? I don't tend to sleep brilliantly when he's with us because I'm worried about rolling on him or the duvet ending up over his face, but I do get longer periods of sleep this way than when he is in his cot. I also don't want to 'spoil' him as such and have this be our 'normal' routine. I know the advice is that you can't spoil babies his age, but I know of 5 and 6 year olds and even 9 year olds who still co sleep and I just can't allow that to happen.
If I do continue this early morning co sleep pattern, how do I get out of it further down the road and at what age should I stop in order that I don't have a 6 year old climbing into bed with me every morning at 4am?

It's great, but you need to do it safely. He shouldn't have a duvet anywhere near him yet. Search for safe cosleeping guidelines and go for it.

My 6yo has crept into our bed tonight, but usually she is fine in her own one! The 1 year old goes between her bed and ours.

Sorry, just saw he is formula fed. I think that's not so great from a safety point of view (affects your sleep patterns and body positioning). Could you get a cot that attaches to the bed so he'll have his own sleeping space right there with you?

I bed share with DD7mnths each night and it makes it much easier for everyone. We've done this on and off since birth but that became every night at the 4 month sleep regression (probably what you're going through now)! Always keep on your side if the bed, she is in a sleeping bag with no duvet on her but tucked right against me (it's the only way she'll sleep). The duvet comes upto my waist and I wear a pj top so mu shoulders don't get cold

I wouldn’t cosleep until he’s older/tougher. Then I see no problem. Right now I think he’s too small and if you’re so worried you can’t sleep it’s not going to solve the lack of sleep problem anyway. Do you think he could be cold at night?

I have a baby the same age roughly who eats and sleeps at the same times as yours. Could have written this post! The after 2am thing is the same as me. Mine wakes himself constantly pulling his hands to his face and bumping himself in the face. He won’t be swaddled. Yet on or beside me, he is out like a light. Frustrating. Sorry I can’t offer any ideas but I feel you!

Don't do it. Read a sleep training book.

I coslept with mine but all three were bf and I followed the guidelines, no duvets, drink, smoking, medication, pillows etc. Ds went in his own bed aged 2 and never gets up in the night other than a toilet trip. He is also happy to go to bed and will tell us he’s tired and wants bed if he has had a tiring day. He certainly has no interest in coming into ours in the night (he is 4 now).

I really don’t believe it’s spoiling them but I have no idea how you could do it safely. Maybe a crib that attaches to the side of your bed? There are some good ikea cot hacks).

It's brilliant if you follow guidelines.

Only safe for breastfed babies though.

We co-sleep. Just works all round for us. My 7mo lies in his sleepyhead between us so there's no way he can roll out or us roll into him. We have a huge bed which helps. I would just do what needs doing to get sleep at this stage!

It’s great if you’re following guidelines.

I co-slept with DS1 who was formula fed - it is less safe than sleeping with a breastfed baby but it’s still really very safe if you follow all the other guidelines.

Now co-sleeping with DS1 and the new breastfed baby, all in a king size, and it’s lovely and easy.

All the co-sleepers I know either stopped once the kid started sleeping through, or around age 3 when the kid can understand.

I formula fed both of mine and co-slept with both of mine. DS2 was from birth to around 18 months. Follow the guidelines and do whatever works best for you. Sleep deprivation is horrible!

I don’t think I would co-sleep with a formula fed baby to be honest. I know tons of people will say “I did it and it was fine!” But I couldn’t risk it.

I would go to bed earlier if possible so you’ve had a decent amount of sleep before the 2am shenanigans start. And he will get better!

Why is it different for formula fed babies?

Here’s a link to the information about the differences between BF and FF babies and co-sleeping. I had no idea there were any differences. I don’t know why anyone would put a baby on a pillow

Thanks for that link.

When I had my first baby (1997) there was also advice about the dangers of bed sharing if formula feeding, so it seem that this is a phenomenon known about for several decades.

Thank you so much for the replies and the info. It also helps a little to know we're not the only ones going through this. I didn't know there were differences in the risks for ff and bf babies so I'm really glad I asked!

I co slept with my DD, she's now 2.8 and happy in her own bed. Co sleeping part of the night with my 4.5 month DS, similar to you, after a certain time he will not settle in his next 2 me. It's not ideal as I'd prefer him to be a little older, but, it means we get more sleep and I'm following guidelines. Both are BF. But I do think you're hyper vigilant as a co sleeping mum, and very aware of them and their breathing.

@ricebaby 'read a sleep training book'?? Right. Because sleep training is in no way controversial! The OP has two other kids so she may not wish to disturb the others. And I certainly wouldn't sleep train and never at 4.5 months!!

I'm a huge cosleeping advocate but I think you're right to be cautious with a FF baby. Not from a spoiling or rod for your own back issue, but it is a safety one.

Does he not have a dummy?

100% normal in most of the world. Just make sure you follow guidelines.

They have cosleeping bed extensions now which is what we used.

I don’t think it’s ‘bad’ at all, certainly not as bad as some sleep training methods. It works for some families and not for others, you just have to make sure you do it safely.

Lots of useful information here to help you make your decision

www.isisonline.org.uk/

As for the sleep training comment, it’s a baby not a dog.
And the link about ff vs bf co sleeping I find very vague and don’t take a lot from it. It is more or less saying ff mothers place the baby in a different way on the bed?! Not always true. And that they are not tuned into their babies, also not always the case.
I thought it was going to mention viscosity of milk and the worries about babies sick or something

Read the ISIS asleep guidelines. We ff so started cosleeping at 6 months. For a long time DH and I would alternate between which parent slept in the main bed with DD and who slept in the spare room. Now she is coming up two she has her own bed but one of us always ends up getting in with her part way through the night. She sleeps the lastest out of any toddlers I know!

You can never spoil a child of any age by meeting their emotional needs. Developmental research suggests cosleeping is positive and all that oxytocin must be good for everyone. Western humans are the only mammals who expect our dependent children to sleep separately from an adult. Children are not developmentally expected to not need an adult durring the night until 7 so even if you decide not to continue cosleeping then you will be still getting up to see to them durring the night.

Read the guidelines and obviously do it safely but it’s the best thing we did and the only was we survived relatively intact 5 years of broken sleep 🤣

The dangers of cosleeping when ff have been linked to positioning. If I had another child and had to ff again I would cosleep earlier.

Evidence on the risk of SIDS and cosleeping www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2016/07/Co-sleeping-and-SIDS-A-Guide-for-Health-Professionals.pdf

The studies aren’t actually conclusive if you read them (there’s a bibliography of cited research on the site I linked). There’s no comparison for mixed fed or babies who were BF at all and then switched to formula. It really focuses on the findings that report differences on the baby’s position in the bed and if the mother turned away from the baby. It also states in both groups that neither accidentally covered their babies with duvets or blankets but that placing your baby on a pillow would cause an increased risk of suffocation (which, if you were following SIDS guidelines you’d never place your baby on a pillow in the first place). The sample size was quite small too, 10 in each group.