Desperate plea for help: can't break the breastfeeding to sleep cycle

[KikiA]

I suppose it's in the title really... my baby is 6mo, ebf and we have always co-slept (I ask you not to bring your views about safety etc to this particular point, just mentioning to give the complete picture) which also means he doesn't like to sleep without me next to him.

I have made several attempts at putting him in his cot drowsy but he will often scream/protest the moment I put him down, even if I remain in the room with him. All of this means he doesn't go to sleep until anywhere from 10-12, which is clearly not the prescribed bedtime of 7pm for babies! The crying can and has gone on for 2+ hours, eventually leading me to give up for fear that the stress could be potentially damaging to his development and welfare.

Because he has gone through the sleep regression he now wakes after every sleep cycle and needs to be fed back to sleep, resulting in broken sleep for me (he sleeps fine). I won't subject him to any form of controlled crying methods, but would like to know if there are any helpful tips on how to break the cycle of feeding to sleep and being able to calm him so he isn't in a state of anxiety over bedtime. I have already tried the dummy, white noise, shushing, patting etc... I feel like I am running low on options. I'm not due back at work until mid September, but would like to try to have a sleep schedule in place for both our sakes. Please help!

I know it’s hard but if you ride it out you’ll come out of the other side. Cosleep until he starts sleeping longer stretches then get a floor bed for his room when you’re ready to move him. My cosleeping one year old has just started sleeping quite well (she woke hourly for nearly the whole of the first year!) and I will move her when she is sleeping through or at least waking once.

Why do you feel you need to change things?

Thanks for your replies,

Crazy - I guess that's what I feel like will probably happen. Last night I took him in just before 8, fed him for 30 mins and every time he fell asleep and naturally broke the latch I tried to move away, but he would wake up and decide he needed more. I gave up trying in the end because I was just so exhausted and I needed a break. It's the same when we are asleep and I try to move into a more comfortable position. It just feels like I'm feeding non stop through the night. I woke up this morning with a horrendous shoulder ache and I'm just worried I suppose that I'm going to be trapped in this cycle of him needing to feed in order to get back to sleep. From birth he would only wake up once or twice in the night for a feed, but since the sleep regression hit he's relying on me an enormous amount more to help him get back to sleep by feeding.

His dad keeps bringing up the whole "should've had him in the cot from the beginning" crap, which quite frankly annoys the hell out of me, since he can't breastfeed and didn't have to recover from an episiotomy. He was bottlefed as a baby whereas I (and all my siblings were breastfed for minimum 2.5 years), and I very much like the idea of attachment parenting - that's how my mum did it and we are all very close, open and honest and talk about things that other families wouldn't, and I guess that's what I want for my boy too. Even if, by some miracle, he does take to the cot (which is right by our bed), I'm not in any rush to get him out of our room.. I'd probably like him in our room for the first couple of years. It's mainly just the tiredness and pain. I know it's kind of a given, but I'm struggling and wondering if there is a better option that could help us all get a better nights sleep...

As I mentioned in the post it's also the concerns about having a consistent routine in place ready for when I go back to work so that he is well rested and I'm not having to wake him up after a late bedtime (want to be sure he is getting 12 hours).

Rarotonga - I guess the above probably answers your question too?

Thanks again x

September is a long way away! Even if you had the textbook 'sleep12 hours in a cot' Baby, anything could happen to their sleep in that time.

I coslept and BF both of my 2. I went back to work when DD was 9 months and cosleeping was a godsend - so much more sleep than if I'd been getting up to feed her.

My DS is now 14mo and at 12mo we transferred him onto a mattress on the floor in his room. I still BF to sleep and cosleep if needed, but often he doesn't wake until 4/5, if at all.

I'd really think carefully about stopping BF to sleep and cosleeping. It might not be the magic solution!
What comfort are you going to offer in place of BF? Dummy?
How will you get them to sleep? Rocking? Might take a long time and babies get a lot heavier!
Are you going to get up to a cot however many times a night, even in your room?

Lots to think about but do question whether this is the worst it can get or whether alternatives might actually in reality be a lot worse.

Thanks @teaandbiscuits. I suppose I know all of this really... and dont get me wrong, I love co-sleeping. I guess when I think about it it's mainly from the perspective that because we do bed-share, my movements disturb him and then he immediately wants to go back on the boob and I've got a terrible shoulder at the moment (went for a massage and practically howled at the poor woman when she tried to work on my shoulder blade), and then there's the fact that I'm quite a light sleeper so the continual tugging on my nipple keeps me awake.

I think I probably also feel under some pressure to change things because so many friends say their babies go down around 6:30-7:30 and mine goes down at 10:00-11:00! I think my sleep-deprived brain is probably blowing it all out of proportion... I've always been a huge advocate for attachment parenting, but I guess somewhere along the line something I've read about "the importance of babies being able to self-soothe" made me question my current methods but maybe I should just say to hell with it and if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

I love my boy, and under no circumstances, exhausted or not, would I ever try to deny him whatever he needs which is why I have always given up and gone back to what I know works... if it's something he will grow out of then why on earth am I trying to fix it?? Urgh... always said I wouldn't bother reading these things. I guess this is why!

Thanks for the support... suppose I just wanted the reassurance that I'm not doing it "wrong", whatever the hell wrong is! X

'Bedtime' really isn't an issue unless it's causing you a problem. Providing he's napping regularly in the day, what time he goes to bed at the moment doesn't really matter. What time do you get up out of interest? Obviously in time you will need to move bedtime earlier so that you can get him sleeping enough before an earlier start to get out to nursery/work.

Are you a teacher BTW? Just asking because of the September return date!

There are definitely ups and downs to cosleeping - but there are with whichever way you choose I think. People don't always realise how much a baby's sleep can change (hence the why is my baby waking up when the used to sleep 12 hours threads!!) With cosleeping you'll have periods where they wake more frequently and periods where they wake less. Sometimes they'll feed all night and you think that they can't possibly be hungry - but maybe they just need a drink or some pain relief or, heaven forbid, some comfort!

But for me, the convenience of knowing that my two would always go to sleep, there was never a stressful bedtime, I never had to pace the floor rocking a screaming child to sleep, I (on the whole!) got plenty of sleep - all those things made it completely worthwhile.

Are you cosleeping for at least one nap a day to catch up a bit? That's my survival tip!!

Also self sooth is a load of shite in my mind. They'll do it when they're developmentally ready! So I'd ignore all that stuff!

@teaandbiscuits - just popping out, will reply to your messages when I get back. 😊

@teaandbiscuits - I suppose the issue really is that my shoulder is causing me a lot of pain and it's probably being exaccerbated by the exhaustion. I know I'm not going to keel over (or am I?! 🤔), but I am struggling to keep up with the pace of things at home.

God knows how I'm going to move bedtime as he will not stay asleep unless I'm in bed with him... I mean I could probably happily start going to bed at 8pm at the moment, but the fear is the moment I eventually want to go and unwind in the living room, it'll all go to pot. Well, he usually wakes up between 8-9, I'm usually up at about 7:30, but if it's been a rough night, later. He's also rubbish at daytime napping... he probably gets 1-2 hours at most!

Not a teacher, no. I work in healthcare communications - just had a September baby!

Agree with you re the no stress bedtime (for the most part... sometimes he's a little sod and likes to practice rolling over and then shouting at me because he wants another 10 seconds of boob before the next roll 😂).

He doesn't really nap long enough for me to co-sleep with him sadly.

Well I think I'm just going to sack the self-soothing nonsense off. It's clearly not working well for either of us, so why continue to put unnecessary stress on the both of us?!

Thanks for the ear to chew! X

So I would say that your priorities seem to be quality/amount of sleep rather than independent sleep? Although you do need to take care of your shoulder as well!

If that is the case, I'd work on trying to get into a pattern of napping and see if that helps everything feel more settled. So not necessarily strict on times, but try to not let him be awake more than 2 hours before he's asleep again. For me, it's sleep any way, any how for DS. (I learnt the slightly harder way with DD). So napping by cosleeping, feeding to sleep and snoozing on you, car, pram, sling. It doesn't really matter how long he sleeps for for now (hopefully they'll lengthen as he gets older) but if they're short, they need to be regular.

I'd plan at least one nap at home in bed (for us that's always been lunchtime because my 2 both nap at the same time). Then I'd plan my day around naps where possible. Not being strict but just 'oh he's been up since 7 so he'll need to nap at 9, I'll drive to baby group then.' 'He woke up at 2 so I'll take him in the pram to the shops at 4' etc. Well that's how I did it anyway!

It might then be that 'bedtime' falls into place and he starts getting up with you at 7:30.

As for house stuff, definitely prioritise! And remember that it's not your job to do everything during the day. For me, I rarely cook during the week because I batch cook a couple of things on both Saturday and Sunday. I find this makes the days a lot less stressful! I do have a cleaner which is amazing but Day to day jobs I do in very small chunks when my two are playing.

Not sure if any of that applies to you! But I suppose my point is figure out your priorities and go from there.

We didn't co-sleep as much as you, and I could never feed lying down, so always sat up for feeds, but with my sleep refusing child, I would feed, let him unlatch - with assistance from a little finger if I was a dummy rather than food source, and then continue to hold for a bit before transfering. Your shoulder may not with stand it, but I also would put him in the cot, and continue to hold for a while before extracting my arms.

He stopped feeding to sleep about 9 months, but frankly it was easier when he fed to sleep! On the plus side, he is now 8years old, and was shattered but claiming "I'm not tired" last week, and I snuggled him for 5 minutes, and he was out cold. So all that feeding to sleep, and falling asleep in Mummys arms had a use!

@teaandbiscuits yeah, that sounds about right. Definitely need an improvement on the current situation. I certainly wasn't under any illusions that the glorious sleeper I once had would stay that way, but I didnt realise it would turn into an all night feeding frenzy either!

In terms of a pattern, it's usually dictated by feeding times - they probably are roughly every two hours, and he will fall asleep on the boob. The minute I try to put him down is where it all goes wrong - @SandLand, I guess that brings me to your point about holding on after he comes off and lowering him into the cot but remaining in a holding position - I do actually do those things, sometimes it works, but most of the time it's a case of "where the hell do you think you're going? Pick me up immediately and put me back on the boob!" What I have recently started trying to do if, say, I'm feeding on the sofa and want to get up and put him in his cot is every so often I'll move around and sort of wriggle his bum so that when I do eventually get up the motion isn't such a big deal.. works sometimes, but even if I am lucky and he goes down for a nap, most I usually get is 30 mins.

At night time I do bath time at 6, ready by 6:30, feed and he's usually asleep by 7, but again - the moment I put him down, all hell breaks loose and I'm stuck with a child that is bright as a button and not wanting to sleep.

OH is quite good - he has a very physical job and still comes home and cooks when I pop LO in the bath, but its hard because the rest of the night then winds up with me having to sit there with my boob out for hours on end. It is EXHAUSTING. I know it's absolutely the best thing in the world, I really do, but it just sort of feels a bit relentless at the moment and I can't even escape for a nice bath every once in a while because the whole evening tends to be dominated by a child that won't sleep and wants constant feeding. I am in the process of weaning... does it get easier once they are more established on solids?!

I'll try tackling the daytime nap schedule and hopefully as you say bedtime might just sort of work itself out. Thanks x

It might get easier with solids but for mine it bad no effect. Mainly because you're either doing traditional weaning and veg purées have got far less calories than milk, or you're doing baby led and they don't eat much to start off with! But by about 9-10 months you might see a difference. But then there's the 9 month regression! 😂

Do you see how most of your issues come about when you try to transfer him? That's because survival instinct is kicking in so if you want him to stay asleep, he needs to go to sleep where he's going to stay asleep IYSWIM. Hence the drowsy but awake phrase that is spouted in books. So if you feed him to sleep lying down in your bed, that's where he needs to stay. Moving him is probably going to result in a wake up shortly after, however deep you think he's asleep!

I was like this with DD - it took me until she was about 7 months to realise that transfers just didn't ever work!!

Haha well, I've been using part veg part baby rice made with breast milk to try and bulk it out a bit calorie-wise. 😂 I can't wait for another sleep regression. So excited! And yes - totally with you on the lying down and feeding. He's just gone down to sleep that way. Sadly I can almost guarantee I've got 30 minutes tops before he wakes up again. Even lying down and feeding isn't enough to keep him asleep, hence the difficulty in moving bedtime back... I consider it a win that I actually managed to get out of the bedroom without him waking up before I've so much as sat up 😂. I guess hopefully if I'm consistent with bath time and feeding in the bedroom he will eventually clock on, but I won't hold my breath!

On cue 😣 back I go, out the titty doth come 😂

Oh no!! 🙈 My daughter was like this, I never seemed to get an evening. I can't remember when she settled down, maybe about 10months? I think that was when she went from short naps to 2 naps and suddenly slept for an hour at a time!

Apologies if 10 months seems a lifetime away though...

Haha.. I suppose I'm used to it. It's just hard. I'm sat in a dark bedroom with my baby boy in my arms because that's what he needs... I had a brief moment to wolf down my dinner while my OH rocked him (although to my horror, I walked in to one of my cats eating some of the pork from my stir fry 😂).

10 months doesn't seem a lifetime away... Truth be told, I can't believe six months have gone by in the blink of an eye already. I guess when you're tired everything kind of feels like it's moving in slow motion but the truth is you just sort of wake up one day and think "how in the hell did we arrive here already?"...

You might want to have a look at bedtime fading . We didn't try this as bedtimes were generally not too bad but I read about it in the course of finding out ways to improve night sleep and it sounded gentle but promising!

We did very gradual withdrawal (over many many months) which did help a bit. You may need to get your other half involved in settling as sleeping in shifts was the only thing that saved my sanity in going back to work during the 8-10 month regression made infinitely worse by reverse cycling.

Oooh Thanks, that looks interesting! I'll have a read now since I'm trapped in here in the dark 😂. Problem with OH getting involved is he just doesn't have the patience for it and always resorts to quite possibly the most annoying manparent phrase of them all: "urghhh, babe... I think he needs the boob". 💣💥🌋🌋🌋🌋🗡🗡🗡🗡 honestly... if I had £1 for every time that phrase has been uttered since birth, I'd have enough money to buy myself an entourage to go with my stately home 😤😤😤😤