Feeling stressed about getting sleep routine in place for 10 week old

[crispaddict76]

Hi

Does anyone have any tips or advice about getting a sleep routine in for a 10 week old. I feel from what other people say and what I read on here that my DS should be in a routine by now. He isn’t yet self settling and sleeps on me or my OH and then if put down during day he tends to wake up quickly and not take a full nap. Although this is gradually getting better for example he has started to sleep longer of put down next to me on sofa in day. He tends to have about three naps in the day and the morning one is more consistent in terms of time every day. I do his morning nap in a sling mainly. In the evening he tends to go down at 8-9 and will then usually wake twice for feeds at roughly 1am and 4am.

I have tried to start getting a bedtime routine in place but it’s stressing me out re timing. (Bath and/or change him, story book, feed, settle on me to sleep). For example last night and the night before I tried to get him down by 7.30pm (still downstairs in sleepyhead with us) and it just doesn’t work out that he goes off that way. It’s stressing me as I go back to work when he is 7 months and I want to make sure he can settle himself before he goes to nursery.

Am I expecting too much at this age or am I doing something wrong? I love the cuddles obviously but part of me does look forward to eventually having my evenings back. I have some family members giving me the ‘rod for back’ chat because I won’t leave him to cry it out and so I am still stressing as I have had them say this since h was 4 weeks old and I have visions of me still rocking him to sleep at 1 year old and having no life....but also I want him to sleep well for his own well-being!! Any tips or reassurance gratefully received!

@TittyGolightly why would he be biologically premature because he's 10 weeks old... she never said anywhere in the post he was born over 10 weeks early??

The theory is that babies should gestate for 12 months. But if they did we wouldn’t be able to birth them (our pelvises are shaped to allow upright walking but this means they are too narrow for a 12 month gestated baby to fit through). So in an evolutionary trade off, babies are born earlier than is ideal, but this hasn’t made them ready for the world at that point. Applying these principles to newborns invariably helps parents and babies.

Thanks everyone xx

(Typically stressed about sticking to a routine with him today and he has taken much longer to settle for the evening than he normally would because I’ve tried to get him to fit to a schedule bless him!!)

Just try to be kind to yourself and not be so bothered by what other people think. You are not inadequate, to your baby you are perfect and pretty much everything he needs right now. You'll figure it out together. Years and years of routine ahead of you, try to enjoy just going with the flow now.

Thanks everyone xx

Not really

(Typically stressed about sticking to a routine with him today and he has taken much longer to settle for the evening than he normally would because I’ve tried to get him to fit to a schedule bless him!!)

So the majority of the advice was to not worry about routines. So you spend the day stressing about a routine and getting your baby to fit it, therefore letting him pick up on your stress and then adding more because he’s not a robot that can be programmed?

Makes sense.

crispaddict76 I'm curious, why are you sticking to the routines when:

1. There's no good reason to do them unless they suit your baby

1. Your baby has made it clear routines don't suit him

1. They are stressing you out

Why not try a couple of days without and see how it goes?

You just need to get better at answering if people ask about him being in a routine. You don't need to blurt everything out. Just say "getting there!" or something.

He is too young.

Please try to relax and enjoy this time. Do you have a simple bouncer to put him in while you do things like watch TV or potter around the kitchen?
7 months is a long way away in terms of how different he will be then to how he is at 10 weeks, but I suspect that you are getting stressed out because you are only having a short maternity leave and so you feel like you have to get everything over and done with faster than others. Don’t wish away the next 5 months, try to enjoy it.
I’m surprised you’re reading him stories at this age tbh, it sounds more like you are doing things that you think you are supposed to do than actually thinking about what he enjoys. My DS is 18 months and we don’t do bedtime story yet - it takes a long time before they can follow a narrative. Singing is better when they are younger.

My DS pretty much found his own routine at 8 or 9 months, yours will too I am sure.

I am just going to try to relax over the next few days and go with the flow. I’m probably so obsessed with routine as I want him to start napping without having to sleep on me for his own well-being. I’ve read about 4th trimester several times and it does make sense but I just get so much mixed advice I worry that he will be needing me to hold him to sleep when he is 2yo as one kind relative in law has told me will happen (blah blah). It’s not like he’ll get past 4th trimester and suddenly just be able to self settle I feel so I just don’t want to create any bad habits I guess.

@grandplans you are right. I’m going to try to go with the flow for the next few days and sod what anyone else says!!

@TittyGolightly I wasn’t deliberately ignoring advice on here and going ahead with trying a routine yesterday I just wanted to see if it worked and it didn’t. At the end of the day I am a FTM who is trying my hardest to find my way and get things right for DS. I know he isn’t a robot....so not sure what your “not really” response to my “thanks everyone” comment means. But thanks for pointing out how ridiculous my attempts yesterday were anyway!!

It is highly highly unlikely that he will still want to be held to sleep aged 2, no matter what you do. One if the things that I loved about maternity leave was not having to have a set routine (beyond a vague acknowledgement of day vs night) and just going with the flow, not many times in life when you are afforded that luxury.

I wouldn’t remotely worry about bad habits being formed until he’s a year old.
Remember that the way they sleep has a lot to do with how they are feeding and moving around and you’ve got weaning, crawling, walking all ahead of you that will drastically change his habits.

Good luck x

My DS was ready for a routine at 6 months old. Give yourself a break!

I let my second child sleep on my chest, while I sat on the sofa in the evening. It was where she wanted to be and it was all snuggly and lovely. I'd then put her in her 3 sided crib next to our bed when I went up.

She's a better sleeper now than my eldest who I put to bed in a cot at a bedtime because I thought that was what you should do.

Not saying you should let him sleep on your chest necessarily! But that I went with the flow with what suited us and trusting my instincts - not listening to others -
worked.

Mine slept on my chest for the first 4 months.

OP - you do not have to follow an attachment parenting approach (as some posters suggest) if it does not work for you. There is nothing wrong with trying to put a baby onto a routine sooner rather than later. I started at 8 weeks and yes, it did work. However, it is definitely not something you should stress about. If one day does not go according to the plan and you end up holding/slinging the baby all the time, it is absolutely fine. There will always be another day and plenty of opportunities to try new things.

Fourth trimester is an interesting concept developed by attachment parenting proponents but the underlying principle (that human babies are born prematurely) does not have any real scientific backing. Also, a 1 week old baby is very different from a 10 week old baby. At 1 week, DD used to love sleeping on me or in a sling. At 10 weeks, she strongly preferred her cot, refused to sleep in a sling and started resisting longer naps in a pram.

Here are a couple of links on newborn sleep that I have found useful:

www.babysleepscience.com/single-post/2017/07/18/Newborns-and-Sleep-Part-2-Weeks-7-16
www.mybabysleepguide.com/2010/02/sleep-problems-by-age-newborn.html

You have probably already read something similar but the key messages there are: (1) yes, you can start early (attachment parenting is not for everyone), (2) you should definitely not stress about anything and (3) you can try different things and see what works for your baby. Good luck!:)

@wintertravel1980 I haven’t read one post that says OP should follow attachment parenting also, the OP doesn’t say routine works for her, she was trying to implement one because of the nonsensical fear mongoring spouted at her by random people with no kids or relatives who, I’m guessing, are quite old fashioned.

OP, I have always fed my 13 month to sleep. She is very secure and happy, I now feed her at bedtime on my bed and she crawls over to her own bed, bunkers down and tucks herself in and goes to sleep. I never thought that would happen but she did it in her own time. Self settling is developmental and you won’t necessarily be rocking to sleep a 2 year old!! Just go with your baby, you’ll be much happier for it.

@crazycatlady5 - generally parents who let babies sleep on their chests follow attachment parenting ethos. It is fine if it works for the family but OP did say she would like her baby to nap on his own (which is not possible any time soon in the "attachment parenting" universe). Also, it is 100% correct (as per OP last post) that a baby coming out of the 4th trimester will not magically learn to settle on his own. If OP wants her baby to learn to settle independently at 4 or 6 months (rather than wait until 13 months or possibly longer), there is no reason why she cannot start now. Of course, there is absolutely no reason to be stressed about it - and the links I have give below give some ideas on how to encourage early independent settling.

Here is another post on newborn routines which can be useful:

theparentandbabycoach.com/newborns-routines-fact-fiction/

Disclosure/disclaimer: this is the website of a UK based sleep trainer but I have zero association with her. I used a different maternity nurse who followed a similar approach.

Do sleep trainers just completely ignore SIDS guidance?

Agree with Winter. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having your baby sleep on you / co-sleeping etc if it works for you. However if you want to encourage independent sleeping, that is OK too. It is partly developmental, but there are things you can do to support this to happen sooner than just waiting.

The baby whisperer has great tips, and this is what I used for my DD who would only ever settle on my chest or breast. Have a look at the 5 Ss - we worked on this for weeks. By 4 months old she was settling herself with her dummy for all naps and sleep, and is still a champion sleeper at 10 months old (hopefully this continues!)

Do sleep trainers just completely ignore SIDS guidance?

Some of them do, similarly to "safe co-sleepers". The increased risk of leaving the baby in his/her own room is very similar to the risk of "safe co-sleepers". Happy to provide the link but I have already posted it here multiple times.

I think there is a big range of behaviour between attachment parenting and very strict routine-following. I certainly did not go in for the attachment thing but did not deliberately impose any routine either.

As for the SIDS guidance it says baby should sleep in a separate cot or Moses basket in the same room as mother even during the day. When he was very small we put him in the Moses basket in whatever room we were in and then all went up to bed together. After about 3 months we’d put him down to sleep in his crib in our room a few hours before we came to bed, with the monitor on. Not strictly following the guidance but we felt it was right for us. He went into his own room at 7 months.

Stop reading the books. They are evil! I read a lot when my baby was tiny and it made me ill with all the worry of trying to get her to fit a certain pattern. Enjoy your baby and cuddle her as much as you can. Do whatever you need to do to survive and keep yourself well and as rested as possible too.