Stay awake for mother to feed

[1NuDad]

Hi there.
I'm a new Dad. My fiancé and I had our son last Wednesday. He's feeding really well and is really heathly, as shown by his tests so far. But it's 02:45 and we've been up all night cluster feeding him. I am staying awake to give my partner moral support and to make sure she doesn't fall to sleep. Her eyes sometimes start flickering when feeding him and I'm pretty sure she's dropped off to sleep a couple of times. This frightens me which is why I've stayed awake mainly to keep an eye on her.
Problem is, I'm trying to do the daytime chores too to give her as much rest as possible but I don't know how long I can keep this up for. But I definitely can't sleep otherwise I'm scared she will fall to sleep feeding the baby.
Any help most welcome.

You need to get some sleep at
night to be able to do everything in day. There’s no point you both being exhausted the next day. When the baby sleeps, she needsto get naps in the day whenever possible.

You need to take turns to sleep where you can. It is also better to plan to co-sleep safely than to fall asleep accidentally.

If she can feed lying down, with a bed that follows safe co-sleeping guidelines, then that is much much safer than accidentally falling asleep whilst sitting up.

Look up cosleeping. You need to sleep a bit to be of some use during the day.

I wouldnt expect my partner to be awake tp support me. He needs his sleep to be able to work /look after us and the house during the day. No point both being knackered.

Does she have snacks and drinks near her to support her energy levels? Can she breastfeed lying down? Safely.

Sleep man!
I expected my husband to sleep at night during feeding so that he could be on form for the day when I wouldn't be.
Definitely try her bf laying down on her side. Got me through the early days.

You need to sleep! You will be useless during the day otherwise, not to mention a potential danger if you are driving. You need to trust your partner to look after your baby, if she can feed in a position where if she does fall asleep it's not dangerous, that would be ideal.

The nights will get better fairly quickly and the cluster feeding will soon settle, although it probably doesn't feel like it at this stage.

You must sleep! With DC2 I banished DH to the sofa bed at night for the first few months so I could feed and co-sleep safely and so he could rest properly. One of you needs to be able to function.

Once I learned to feed lying down it was all so much better. If you set up co-sleeping properly and your DP can feed lying down it is much safer than trying to feed sitting up because Mum and baby can just drift off to sleep together.

Here's a simple guide - supportingbreastfeeding.wordpress.com/2015/06/29/co-sleeping/

Safe cosleeping can help. I didn't enjoy co sleeping and never planned to do it long term, but it was a lifesaver in those early weeks when DS just wouldn't be put down.

I agree with others , try to sleep at night.

Maybe your partner could try having a flask of iced water by her side while she feeds and something to read , a book , or mumsnet on her phone.

Just make sure you take the baby whenever you can during the day so that she can sleep.

Can she put headphones in and watch something on her phone or an iPad to keep her awake? I would sit up watching Netflix to keep me going through those awful long nights. You sleep while you can, then when baby isn't feeding you can switch and she can get some sleep.

The other thing might be to try expressing some milk so that you can give a bottle, and split the night shift. I would go to bed at 8 or 9 and DH used to do until 3am, then i would take over and he would sleep until 9 am

Does she have a comfortable feeding chair? With pillows? If she nods off for ten mins then very unlikely to drop baby. I did many times and baby still on boppy pillow. I did take a thermos of coffee up to bed sometimes to keep me awake for cluster feeds. I was never a fan of feeding in bed.

You need to sort a Rota where you both get a few good hours kip a day. Chores can relax a little bit, or get family and friends to help.

How does your wife feel about this? You should have a gentle chat, and make sure she doesn't feel like you don't trust her to keep baby safe.

Congratulations :) it does get easier!

Definitely look up how to cosleep safely and how to breastfeed lying on your side, it has been an absolute life saver to me!

Although I was BFeeding, we did 2 shifts in the night. My DH would do 9-3 (so he was awake during this time) and would bring baby to me if needed feeding. This meant that although I had to wake to feed, in between feeds, I was able to totally sleep without any worries.
I would then do 3am onwards but would feel ok having been able to ‘switch off’ for a few hours. Hope that helps. Good luck and I’m sure you’re doing a fab job but please ensure you get some rest and keep yourself in good health x

Hi, just to say cluster feeding doesn't last, but my gosh it's hard while it does last. My little one is four weeks now, and in the first week we had a couple of very heavy days and nights of it, but it did slow down eventually, and by the end of the first week it was easier. As I said he's 4 weeks now, and I got a good six hours sleep last night in two three hour chunks. We do have bad nights when he has a growth spurt, but it is getting better. And feeding is a lot easier too, he's latching on and feeding quicker, so I'm not sitting there for ages trying to stay awake. Hopefully you'll start to see that soon, with your little one.

The best thing you can do for your wife is to make sure you're fit enough to care for her and baby which means you need to get some sleep! Make sure that where she feeds has everything she needs, snacks, drinks, reading material, tablet, whatever she needs. And once she's settled and feeding, get some sleep. I also have a little lamp covered with a scarf, so I'm not sat in pitch darkness, which makes it easier to stay awake. Also during the day, you might need to be firm with your wife, if baby goes down for a nap, pack her off to bed for an hour or two. I really struggled with doing that at first because I didn't want to leave baby with DP, but now I nap like a professional, and he's a very hands on dad, it means he gets his bonding time too. Occasionally we both go back to bed when baby sleeps, if we've both had a bad night, so don't forget that's an option!

Good luck, it will get better I promise!

I expect I will be burned at the stake for heresy, but I found that bottle feeding my 2 babies meant that they slept for a solid 4 hours after a feed, and slept right through the night from 8 weeks onward. Much less exhausting for all concerned.
I’m a doctor, and I do understand the breast feeding zealots who bang on about its benefits, but quite honestly, in a western country with clean water supplies and easy ways to sterilise bottles, there is very little, if any, advantage to it.
My daughters had normal weight gains, no allergies, and grew up to get uni degrees and good jobs. Bottle feeding didn’t harm them in any way.

Falling asleep at night whilst feeding also led me into co-sleeping, so hear hear to various previous posters. I could pop baby on the boob and go back to sleep almost immediately. It made the single biggest difference to my whole experience of early parenting. There are risks to co-sleeping, but dropping my baby into the bedside lamp seemed (as nearly happened) much more likely and therefore a greater risk to me.

For you: you and your partner are a team. You need to divide and conquer tasks for the family. You need sleep in order to do other tasks including housework and (possibly) paid work when paternity leave finishes. You might need to wake up at night to support your partner, I'm not saying never. I have memories of severe poo or vomit incidents that definitely needed two pairs of hands on deck. If you choose to mix feed, you might do the 11 o'clock bottle so your partner can sleep in a continuous chunk in a few weeks /months. It is great that you see that it is important that she does not feel she is abandoned with the baby. But this feeling of support can be achieved in other ways than you both being equally sleep deprived, when if your baby is solely breastfeeding this is a task you cannot take on.

Thanks everyone. This is all very helpful.

We'll definitely try shift patterns then until I go back to work. Shudder.

Trying to get them both to sleep in the day is the most difficult part. Our boy happily falls to sleep in his mother's arms and then we delicately put him in his Moses basket (after warming it up with a hot water bottle) and then my partner tries to sleep at the same time. But he only stays asleep for 15/20 mins. We've got lucky at times with 60/90 minutes sleeps but they're hard to come by.

So any advice to get him to settle easier? White noise seems to help a little.

Must say I'm reluctant to try co sleeping or swaddling, but are these the only alternatives? Many thanks all.

Where does she feed him? If she feeds in bed she's more likely to fall asleep than she would've if she was watching to fir example. Does she do a nanny change each time he wakes-this also helps prevent sleepiness.

White noise works really well with my boy. He especially loves the extractor fan in the kitchen so my dp takes him in there in his Moses basket when I need to sleep sometimes. He also loves to be swaddled, so I'd recommend trying that. We worked that out on about night 4 when we were trying to get him to sleep by feeding and every time I tucked him under my arm rugby ball style he passed out asleep instead of feeding.

We also have a soft wool cover over the mattress and sheet in our Moses basket, tbh the mattresses in these baskets are quite firm, so a little extra softness seems to help. Finally we have the Moses basket tipped up at a slight angle (we have a small cushion tucked under the head end to raise it to a slight angle) as my ds isn't keen on sleeping flat on his back.

Make sure you wind him really well as well, so he's not waking up with tummy ache, no one told me breast fed babies need to be burped, I always thought they didn't!

Your boy has been inside your partner for nine months, only natural that he wants to stay close to her. The world is new and scary and a bit chilly. I highly recommend swaddling, and Ewan the dream sheep or similar.

Don't be too dismissive of cosleeping - even if she just tries for a nap or two during the day. It's highly likely that your son will sleep for longer than putting him in a Moses basket (it's the transfer that causing the issues there) and your partner gets to rest too. The vast majority of people probably started out saying they don't want to cosleep but many BF mums find it's the only way to get a decent rest and carry on breastfeeding.

I'd also suggest you both read up on the fourth trimester- you basically need to recreate womb like conditions for about the first 12 weeks so that is why people suggest swaddling, cosleeeping, slings, white noise and feeding to sleep.

I didn't want to Co sleep either, but honestly it saved me in those early days & made cluster feeding a breeze to get through!

We couldn't do the laying down feeding because bub has such bad reflux, but it meant I could just sit up, feed her, hold onto her upright for half an hour then pop her down next to me & go back to sleep!

Don't want to worry you because as you know ever baby is different but ours never slept in the Moses basket! No amount of swaddling or raising the head end, or warming the mattress made any difference.

I gave up on the Moses basket in the end & just kept trying to put her in the cot at nap time, one day at about 8 weeks she napped in it for 2 hours, then I kept putting her in it for naps for a week, and a week later I was able to put her in it at night too, does mean I need to get up to feed her now, but at 10 weeks she started going 3-4 hours between feeds at night anyway so a lot less wake ups!

Things will definitely improve, unfortunately it's just a case of trial & error on a cycle to see if you can figure out what your little one wants, and just because something doesn't work the first time, doesn't mean it never will!

Congratulations & best of luck 😊

I was totally against cosleeping until 11 days postpartum with around 1-2 hours sleep a day (me and my husband) and I fell asleep sitting up with the baby. I have no idea how long I had been asleep and am very lucky nothing happened. I went straight upstairs after researching cosleeping and got on with it. We never looked back, all three of us slept, safely and comfortably.