Co-Sleeping am i being a bad mum???

[Emilycmx]

I am a first time mum to a beautiful boy who is two weeks old. Since he was born I have had problems trying to get him to sleep where he isn't being held or close to me.

In the hospital I literally got no sleep because he would not sleep in the cot and would only sleep when I held him. When we took him home we had the same issue and eventually my partner and I were falling asleep when we were taking turns to hold him to sleep.

My partner works away and had to go back to work after a week and I was left to look after him myself. I am breastfeeding and didn't start feeding him side lying until a few days ago when I did we both fell asleep and it was the best sleep we have had. I have now started letting him sleep with me in bed so we can side lie and feed.

He seems to sleep so much better. He is so peaceful hardly moves and sleeps for 3 to 4 hours. When he wakes he is much more content happy to have a feed or two then go back to sleep. When I was trying to make him sleep in the cot he was so unsettled crying constantly and sleeping for 30 minutes at most and I had to repeatedly feed him just to soothe him and then start over again which was exhausting for both of us.

I have looked into co-sleeping as much as I can and from what I read we are low SIDS risk. It is just the two of us on a king size bed which he is in the middle of, I am not using a duvet only a light sheet up to my waist. He isn't near pillows or any other hazards. He was a big healthy overdue baby 9lbs 6oz. I don't smoke or drink. He is EBF.

I feel aware that he is there and don't think that I am in a deep sleep but 2 x 3-4 hours of light sleep a night feels much more functional than the broken sleep I was getting beforehand.

All the NHS guidelines seem to be so strict on co-sleeping and constantly state how dangerous it is. Am I doing the wrong thing? I was too nervous to ask the midwife or health visitor for advice because all the leaflets tell you not to do it.

Any advice or your experience would be appreciated.

Also - he sleeps on his side facing me and doesn't like to be rolled on his back, he just rolls back over on to his side.

I would strongky reccomend alternatives. People often don't realise how deeply they sleep when sleep deprived. My husband regularly informs me that he has walked into the room with both our toddlers sitting on top of me screaming mummy trying to wake me. I have no recollection of this. And the thing is that, while I do feel tired, I don't think that I am that tired but I must be. Have you tried a Moses basket? It really worked for us.

Another high five for co sleeping from me. I did with my dd til we night weaned when she was 14months, then tried her own room, it was miserable for all of us for the 3 or 4 months we persevered and when we went back to cosleeping she started sleeping through the night on and off, which she wasn't even close to in her own room, 4-5wake ups was normal. She was clearly telling us that she needed to be with me and I regret pushing it really. When she turned 2 she was interested in her own bed and it went really well.

La leche do a great book called 'sweet sleep' that really made me feel normal and healthy for wanting to co sleep, in the face of all the people who were horrified and judging me.

Another recommendation for the sweet sleep book. It's well researched and will help you make your own informed choices about risk once the studies are explained properly.

Oh, and a breast-feeding mother's sleep cycles etc are very different. You just don't sleep as deeply. This has been researched. Outymcoutface are you bf-ing? If not, maybe that's why you can sleep so deeply (lucky you !)

You are doing the right thing. There is no evidence suggesting that bed sharing in the absence of known risk factors (alcohol, drug,etc) increases the probability of SIDS.
Also, in many other societies, bed sharing is the norm. So don't worry about the nhs recommendation.
Meanwhile, the short-run benefits are clear: you sleep better, so you can be a better parent during the day.
In the long run, you might be concerned about your baby developing a habit of breastfeeding to sleep or just being unable to fall asleep without you. But you can fight that battle later on. My baby is 8 months now and is still sharing a king sized bed with me.

Another cosleeper here. Have done since day 2. Still going now nearly 29mo later. It works for us. I'm still bfing too. I'm no crunchy but It got us both some much needed sleep.

I never understand the weird religious ferver for co-sleeping on here. A page and a half of people saying as long as you follow guidelines, co-sleeping is perfectly safe. While everyone is completely ignoring the fact that you are laying the baby on her side, not on her back, which is probably the single most important guideline to follow.

Obviously OP it is entirely up to you but all the safety guidance advocates the baby placed flat on its back to reduce SIDS risk. I am not at all a co-sleeping fan, I think it dangerous for all sorts of reasons beyond SIDS, but if you are going to do it, please be aware of the importance of positioning your baby on its back, regardless of cot or bed.

The problem is so many mums end up co-sleeping out of desperation, or do it 'accidentally'. If we could be treated like grown ups and given proper info about risks and minimising them it would help. Instead we are told DONT DO IT and therefore we can only seek advice anonymously on sites like these.

The sweet sleep book has good advice on positioning yourself and the baby so the baby naturally rolls away from you onto their back once they stop feeding. I am lying next to a baby right now who just did it. If I forced myself to get out of bed every time I needed to feed her I would fall asleep holding her in a chair or in a rubbish position in bed. This would be actually dangerous. For me, I am managing the risk I am comfortable with.

I don’t think many people set out to cosleep. But once you’ve fallen asleep once too many times sitting up with the baby in your arms, then wake up and the baby has fallen down, you do what you have to to make things as safe as possible.

My four children have absolutely refused to go in a cot and to sleep on their backs. They all wanted to be held all night as newborns. However deeply they are asleep, the second I’ve put them down in the cot,
/ basket / sleepyhead (we tried them all) they’ve woken up. I can’t physically stay awake all night, every night. So what do the people who are warning against cosleeping actually suggest as a real, practical alternative?

If you don’t smoke, drink, take sleeping tablets or drugs, remove heavy blankets, pillows and sheets and sleep on your side next to the baby then the risks are minimised. I’ve also booted my husband into the spare room when they’re very little as an extra precaution.

It’s not ideal, but it’s as good as you can do with an unputdownable baby.

I do it but not with my partner in the bed. That feels too dangerous to me. It’s me and the baby in a king size bed, no pillows or duvets near him.

Janice, I did plan to cosleep, I read up about my options before she was born andwas compelled by research suggesting that sids may be a breathing disorder and that baby's breath is regulated by mums. Also previously mentioned research about the light and attuned way bf mums sleep meaning that I would wake very easily should she be struggling in any way. I also just felt it's what animals do, it's what a majority of cultures across the world do, imo it's a bit of a sterile western idea that a tiny baby must learn to sleep apart from its mother.

Off my soapbox now though - I genuinely feel every child benefits from their parent learning to trust their own parenting instincts and when cosleeping is not people's thing, I completely respect that too.

My DD sounds like your baby. She hated being put down and loved cuddles and is BF. We tried and tried putting her into the next to me cot for the first 2 weeks of her life and I was living off lots of half an hours at a time of sleep, it was awful. She cried and got so upset and one time I was feeding her and fell asleep sat up and realised we had to change, if she was going to sleep on me it had to be safely.

We co-slept every night and napped on me 3/4 times a day until 4 months. Then we started doing naps in her own cot in her own bedroom, at first I fed her to sleep and then placed her down, then transitioned into rocking her to sleep, then putting her down drowsy after a feed, and then we got to putting her in her sleeping bag and placing her down to nap and she'd fall right to sleep after a minute of whinging.

She's 6 months now so is doing nights in her own room too, and as of last week sleeping through 7-7. I think co-sleeping saved my sanity at the start and she just grew out of it and started to need her own space. It worked perfectly for us. I would say do what you want and need to do, as a parent it really is your call! For us I feel like BF and sleeping with her bonded us so much, and I'm so proud of her for developing her trust in me and having the independence to sleep on her own now.

My health visitor was brilliant about Co sleeping and said that research shows 70% of breastfeeding mums will do it at some point so she would much rather talk about ways to do it safely than tell people not to do it. She said she had coslept with both of her babies.
A midwife friend has also told me that nhs advice against co-sleeping is very much aimed at the minority who would see any official approval as a green light to bend the safe co-sleeping rules about alcohol and breastfeeding etc.

@sycamore54321 I'm not sure what you mean? Do you think co-sleeping means 'spooning' or something? Why do you think if you slept on the same surface, the baby would be in their side not their back?

My point was that people talk about breastfeeding while sleeping, or more usually falling asleep after the baby latches on. The baby cannot latch on if flat on its back, so moving the baby into a feeding position goes against the back-laying guidelines. Or if the baby is flat on its back while feeding, it is not safe for a mother to fall asleep while covering the baby partially with her body. What I am saying is that it clearly seems to me impossible to get the reported benefits of "she just latches on and I go back to sleep" with sticking to the guidelines throughout the whole night.

Similarly with clothing/warmth for the mother, if she falls asleep with a half-unzipped sleeping bag, or something, there is a risk of the loose material covering the baby. And a room that is warm enough for the mother to sleep with her bare torso exposed is likely too warm for a safe sleeping environment for the baby.

So "follow the guidelines" is remarkably difficult in practice to ensure they are respected at every point throughout the night. It's not good enough to be perfectly in accordance with the guidance at the start of the night, you need to follow them all the time, and I can't see how you can do that if you fall asleep while the baby is still feeding.

Actually disregard my reply above, I thought it was a different post of mine you were commenting on.

In this particular instance, the OP has very clearly said she lays her baby on its side for sleep. She actually says it not once but twice in her OP. And not one single advocate of co-sleeping has mentioned it at all, when it is well known that the safe sleeping position for babies is on their back.

I them on some aspects of parenting, people get blinded into thinking their preferred way is the right way, without looking at what the OP writes. You see it all the time on the infant feeding threads "my week-old baby hasn't had a poo in three days" will be met with a chorus of "that's fine, breastfed babies don't need to poo often" when in fact that only applies to babies beyond the newborn stage and a newborn in such a situation needs an urgent medical assessment. Same here, op says I am cosleeping with my baby in a dangerous position and everyone says "yes cosleeping is fine and natural". People choose BF or cosleeping or whatever as right for them but can often be so anxious to see others reflect their choices that they don't look at the different context.

You proved my point - the only comments the OP makes on the baby's position is to say twice in her post that the baby is side-laying. And you ask why I think the baby is on her side. I am willing to bet you co-sleep :)

@sycamore54321 The OP said "so she and her baby can side lie", I took it as they are lying side by side - perhaps it's worth checking if she specifically meant putting her baby on his side to sleep before you accuse her of being unsafe with her baby.

It is perfectly possible to breastfeed in a side lying position with the baby being on his back. Even if the baby has to be on his side to eat, you can roll him back to his back after he's done, although IME a baby that young can't stay on his side unsupported anyway.

There is both clinical and anecdotal evidence for co-sleeping done right being reasonably safe and a perfectly valid parenting choice. Perhaps you have some grievances with breastfeeding or co-sleeping but it's patronising to say posters here are set to indoctrinate innocent bystanders to validate their parenting choices. They're just offering reassurance to a mother who's already made that decision. In fact, you are assuming all sorts of circumstances like room temperature etc, in order to validate your prejudice on co-sleeping and your opinion that the OP's not doing right by her baby.

When she sounds like she's done her research on safe co-sleeping and is making an informed decision.

Honestly you are proving my point again. Yes she said they side lie and then later on, for the avoidance of any doubt, she says "Also - he sleeps on his side facing me and doesn't like to be rolled on his back, he just rolls back over on to his side." I specifically mentioned that she said it twice.

Why are co-sleeping advocates so blinded like this? She has clearlu said she is following a dangerous practice, I am the only one to point this out in two pages, and still you want to pretend it's a fanciful misinterpretation. She is looking for advice, I am pointing out that what she is doing is unsafe. Frankly I think my advice is at better than the masses of "cosleeping can be safe" posts that completely ignore her unsafe positioning.

And as I said my first of two responses was because I thought someone was namechecking me on a different thread.

Why are you so anxious to reassure this OP that what she is doing is safe, to the point that you fail to read her post and the information she has provided? Looks like you are determined the "one size fits all" answer is co-sleeping.

@sycamore54321 You're right that the baby sleeping on his side is against the safe sleep guidelines, and you're right to point that out. I do hope the OP finds a way to change that. I also know that in real life the safe sleep guidelines are often impossible to enforce 100% because there are babies who just won't comply, and it's up to every parent to make an informed decision. Co-sleeping can definitely be done in a safe way so there's no need to tar everyone with the same brush, and statistically speaking OP's baby has much more chance to be ok than not even if she doesn't change anything. But you're right, she should know that this is against safety guidelines.

i wish safe co sleeping would be encouraged rather than demonised. it's so flawed to shame us for it. and have our partners thinking we are somehow failing. I'm still sleeping with my son who is 10 mo and feeling the pressure to move him out when frankly i'm happy as we are. everyone sleeps!! it's heaven!!

Do you have a Moses basket? I used to put baby in the Moses basket right next to me and breastfeed then put him down again. I have co slept too you just have to be careful when they are so little.