9 month old sleep training not working and I'm falling apart!

[Spanneroo]

9 month old DD wants to wake every hour from midnight each night. She goes down at 6, wakes at 10 for a feed, then midnight, then hourly. This is the routine she's had since birth and I have tried everything I can think of.

Recently I have been struggling with my health as a result and have been diagnosed with suicide headaches. Enough is enough so I finally decided that more gentle sleep training has not worked and I need to try leaving her to cry (with my company) when she wakes at 12 until she learns that night time is for sleeping not feeding or cuddles or whatever. My HV has been supportive of this but generally dismissive of how tough she's been to crack up until this point.

We are now on night 11 of doing this and every single night she has woken at 12, screamed until between 4:30 and 5am, slept until 6/6:30 and then been up for the day. I feel like we're getting nowhere whatsoever. Thank God her sister would sleep through a bomb going off.

I, however, cannot cope and I don't know what to do. I don't have anyone else who can take her for the night. I'm thinking about taking her to the GP (again) and demanding they take this more seriously. Frankly, I wouldn't be averse to medication. I don't know if that's even an option.

Does anyone have any idea how long this could go in for or been in a similar situation? All the HCPs I've spoken to so far have been very "oh yes well some babies are challenging but after 6 months they shouldn't need to wake for feeds" despite me pressing how utterly shit this is. Makes me want to throw something (perhaps DD?) At them.

Oh my goodness... you poor thing. We went through this for the first five months, but it was caused by silent reflux. But by then we had no feeding or sleep routine and we had to start from scratch and were waking every 45 mins. Where are you based? There are some excellent sleep trainers out there if you have the funds to pay for them. Otherwise I went with Alison Scott Wright's book and reassurance sleep training technique. My daughter isn't perfect but I focused on getting a good day time routine (she still sleeps every 2-3 hrs at 9 months, alongside feeding at fixed times. I do not feed after her 7pm bottle until the morning. Happy to answer any questions you might have as I know your pain and how desperate you must be feeling.

wheelerdealer we tried a night light but, again, no difference. She also chooses to play with DD1 in her self-made (and dark) dens regularly so I don't think it could be the dark. We've tried radio 4/white noise in case it was too quiet too. Again, no change.

Each of these things have been for at least 4 days of trying by the way. We've been at it for quite some time...

beans We're in Hertfordshire

Have you tried bed sharing? My DS is 7 month old and sleeps on the same bed as me. This is because I have tried and failed twice at sleep training and bed sharing makes it easier for me to rest.
Typically, I put him down to sleep at 6.30 or 7. I would have one arm over and around his head and another hand resting or patting him on his shoulder or chest. It usually takes less than 10 minutes for him to be totally asleep. I would sneak out of the room to get things done. Within 30 minutes, he would wake up and whine, and would go back to sleep quicker once I return to pat him. This is repeated until I lie down next to him for the night, say 9pm. From that point to 3-4am, he would wake up a few times and each time would go back to sleep within a couple of minutes, without feeding or rocking, just arms around and patting. This means I can sleep for 6+ hours with only minor disruptions. The next hour or two is usually horrible; but I can accept it because he's already slept for 8+ hours.
I know bed sharing is not recommended in this country, but it's the norm in many other societies. It seems natural to me that babies like to feel mummy's warmth and touch and smell at night. My belief is that they will sleep if they are sufficiently tired and they feel safe and comfortable (e.g. not hungry, sick, etc.)
Don't worry too much about creating a bad habit, because you have to sleep a decent amount at night right now, for the sake of your health, your work and your family's happiness.

Sorry I missed your earlier replies. It sounds like she is a pretty good day sleeper and can settle herself, so presumably it's habit that's waking her at night. Would you consider trying out formula feeding or pumping exclusively for a few days so that you can be confident she has had enough milk? I think you should be aiming for around 18-21 ounces a day.That way you can be stricter at night as you will know she's had enough in the day and can monitor if it makes a difference to her night sleep behaviour. Also I would suggest putting her in a cot in a different room. I know it feels like you are saving energy etc by having her next to you, but I genuinely found my daughter sleeps better in her nursery alone. It might take a few nights of adjustment, but in our experience our daughter seemed more relaxed immediately. We use white noise and always have done to help her settle... I invested in a myhummy bear which turns on automatically if she stirs, and gives her the comfort of a cuddly toy. Finally we resorted to dummies. Initially she refused it, but it's made such a difference since she decided she liked it... especially when teething. The only lingering problem we have is that she wakes once or twice in the night looking for it. I put a couple in the cot loose and one attached to a sleepy tot bunny, which has really helped with this. I also turned the night light from the monitor on, instead of keeping the room pitch black, so she can find them on her own. But this doesn't always work and sometimes I have to pop a dummy back in. But she'll immediately go back to sleep afterwards, so for now I can put up with this. Finally what really helped me with sleep training was to judge her cries on a scale, and only when she reaches a 6 or 7 do I go into her. FYI never let it get above an 8 as that would be too distressing for any baby imo. You need to break her bad habit of waking in the night, so if you stay strong and vary the amount of time you leave before you respond to her crying, the theory is she will learn to settle back to sleep alone. I'm not sure I was a strict as I could have been as she still only occasionally sleeps through the night! But it's a million times better than when she was waking every 40 mins.

That way you can be stricter at night as you will know she's had enough in the day and can monitor if it makes a difference to her night sleep behaviour

This is outdated advice. Babies stomachs are tiny and digest milk very quickly. Just because some babies DONT wake for feeds, doesn’t mean the ones that DO awake for them, don’t need them.

Sorry crazy cat lady if you think my advice is outdated. I based it on my experience with my daughter. I bf exclusively for 5.5 months as she refused to accept a bottle. However she would only snack when I fed her and basically wanted to feed every half an hour for a few minutes at a time before arching her back and screaming. This feeding behaviour was due to her reflux, but i think it meant that she was constantly a bit hungry and so would wake up throughout the night. When I finally got her to accept the bottle and moved her to neocate, she immediately drank more and started going longer between feeds. This in turn made her sleep better at night as she finally wasn't hungry. Therefore I was thinking if the op could measure the amount of breastmilk or formula her baby is consuming at each feed, by using a bottle, it may help to eliminate one of the potential causes of the constant night waking.

Sadly we only have 2 bedrooms so don't have the luxury of putting her in a room on her own at night.

Annoyingly, she has a raging temperature today, which started yesterday evening so she was even grumpier than usual. Hoping she's over it by tonight.

Given that she is not waking for feeds after 2am, I really don't think this is feed related. She wants a bottle/breast because she wants something to suck and wants cuddles. She doesn't actually take any in when she wakes outside of 2am.

Got the in laws around today so at least she should be tired after a full day of showing off!

Babies stomachs are tiny and digest milk very quickly.

Not at 9 months. Pretty much any paediatrician will confirm that a healthy normally developing baby who is fully established on solids (including proteins and complex carbs) should be able to get sufficient food and milk during the day not to need additional feeds by 8-9 months.

Of course, there are always proponents of attachment parenting who support (and even encourage) night feeds but the reason quoted by AP HCPs (e.g. Dr Sears) is "baby bonding" rather than hunger.

I didn't feed any of mine in the night after 9 months, but it doesn't particularly sound like you have a feeding problem. Night weaning won't hurt and might help though.
She sounds like a pretty good sleeper though, good naps, self settling.

@crazycatlady5 I do kind of agree with you, it's common for young children to have low sugars after periods of fasting so need the extra food during the night. My son gets lows after about 8 hours. If the baby isn't accepting the milk though then it doesn't sound like the issue is food. Have you ever tried a dummy?

Oops sorry OP, I see you've tried dummies.

Oh you poor thing, that sounds absolutely awful, I'm not surprised at all you're struggling to function.

From what you've described, you have a happy, healthy baby who is eating and drinking well plus gaining weight appropriately. I can't see any medical reason from your posts to explain why she wakes so frequently.

In terms of it being normal - yes it is normal to wake that frequently and seek comfort if that is what they are used to getting at night. Some stop waking of their own accord as calories increase and others unfortunately continue to wake due to habit rather than hunger. No, you don't have to just suck it up and deal with it, you can sleep train and you can do it gently if CC doesn't suit you. At nine months, a healthy babies stomach is no longer 'tiny' and she can eat enough during the day to be able to go a minimum of 8 hours without a feed. I can see your logic @beansbananas in suggesting to measure what she has but I don't think it's necessary. She sounds like she's regulating her appetite and eating and drinking well over the day and will be able to go a decent stretch (if not the entire night) without waking once the habit is broken.

With regards to sleep training, you need to decide on a settling method (or can use CC) and you need to apply it consistently from bedtime onwards. She has to fall asleep using the settling method or on her own if you choose CC at the beginning of the night when the pressure to sleep is greatest. Then you repeat the same thing each time she wakes without exception. Being completely rigid is the only way you will get a result.
As she settles well for naps, she does have a way of getting herself to sleep so you have won half the battle, key is making her do it at night too.

Once she is well and back to her normal self and not unwell, set aside one week and dedicate that to sorting her sleep. If your budget allows it, I would strongly recommend using a sleep consultant as they will help you stay completely consistent. It's so easy to stray and convince yourself you are doing the right thing (I'm speaking from experience!).

Good luck