Feel like a failure!

[Mum135]

Help! I have a 14 month old daughter and I'm struggling to the point I feel so low and feel I have no support! I have tried and tried to get her into a nighttime routine and will she he'll have any of it! I've pretty much been a single parent from day one since her father walked out when I found out I was pregnant and I've always found a way to manage but now it's almost draining, I feel completely worn out and just wondered if anyone was experiencing what I am and if you have any suggestions that may help the situation. For the past few weeks I have noticed a change in my daughters behaviour, she's nipping, clawing peoples face, pulling hair and finds it all amusing! She doesn't nap during the day anymore and won't go to bed untill at least 10/10:30 pm if not later EVERY NIGHT!. She is also in my bed because everytime I put her in her cot she makes herself sick, I clean her up, change the sheets, try again and she will make herself sick again so I give in and put her back in bed with me. On a night i wind down with her around 7pm, bath/settled but then she thinks it's play time and starts getting out her toys. If I put them back and tell her no she screams and makes herself sick. I have zero time to myself anymore, i can't even get a shower without her wanting to be with me. I had the HV out which she said she thinks it's may be a case of separation anxiety and to try control crying...I tried that and failed! Does anyone have any suggestions that may help so I can have at least half hour peace on a night, 😩😩

I have no real advice but it certainly doesn't sound like you're a failure. It sounds like you are trying really hard to do Whats right.
Dropping her nap this young seems early.....but im not sure how to fix it? Does she seem irratable? Overtired?
What time does she wake in the morning? Does she wake up grumpy? Diet? Excercise? All factors i would look at to see if there was something i could change.
Does she go to nursery? What does her day look like?
Like i say....no real advice. Hopefully someone will come along with some practical advice soon.
Good luck. I'm sure you're not alone.

I’ve heard the gradual retreat sleep training method is better for for babies with bad separation anxiety...controlled crying may just make things worse. Sounds hard but I think being consistent is he most important thing so not giving her mixed messages. If you really don’t want her in your bed, don’t let her. What happens if she falls asleep in your arms, can you transfer her to cot?

We had real problems with getting dd1 to sleep in her room by herself & she would also cry so hard she would be sick if you tried to leave her before she went to sleep. she also woke several times a night & it would be the same story. I let her in my bed a few times out of sheer exhaustion but was adamant this wouldn't become a regular thing. In the end I set up a camp bed in her room which I would sit or lay on whilst she went to sleep in her own bed. Sometimes I would end up sleeping there all night but sometimes I made it back into my own bed after she fell asleep. Either way it meant I got a bit of rest whilst I was in there with her. Eventually she got better, moving from a cot to a bed helped & now, after bath & stories etc I sit with her for just 5 minutes then kiss her goodnight & go dowstairs. It took 2.5 years though to get to this stage! Not sure what to suggest for the late bedtime though when my dd1 plays up now at bedtime I tell her she won't get any bedtime stories as we will run out of time & this usually works, though she is a bit older (just turned 5). Not sure if it would work on a younger child. Xxx

You are definitely a hero rather than a failure.
I think the camp bed idea sounds great and worth a try, perhaps then with some gradual retreat from there. It will probably take weeks but at least she would be in her cot and you could have your bed to yourself.
You could maybe start with the camp bed right up next to the cot so you could have your hand through the cot bars on her tummy to start.
I would also not assume that she has permanently dropped her nap at that age. Both my older dc stopped napping for a few weeks around then and it was awful. But then they started looking tired and I started putting them down again and they napped again (until 2.5 in dds case and ds is 2 and 1 month and still going strong too.
Oh and as for the nipping/clawing - she has no idea what she’s doing as she is so little. Say no gently but firmly and she’ll get the hang of it.

I would put her in her room on a single mattress or bed. Stay with her until she sleeps, very quiet and calm. Take a few weeks over it so she realise you're not going to leave her. Obviously escape once she's soundly asleep! If she wakes up, go and sleep with her so that she doesn't feel the anxiety of you leaving. Then very very gradually withdraw from staying with her - but it will be tiny steps so you don't lose her trust.

I think you need to decide what you are going to do and then 100% follow through with it.
I have a 17 month old and went through similar when she was a bit younger- minus the vomiting and smacking etc but she would scream and scream and scream til she choked!

What I did was decided that I wanted to be able to lay her in her cot, give her a kiss and leave, that was the end goal. First thing I did was lay her down in a very dark room and hen stand right beside the cot, every time she stood up or attempted to stand up I would immediately lay her back down and “shhh” her. I think the first night I did that something like 52 times and she cried and shouted and got angry with me but eventually she found me so boring and realised I wasn’t going to give in and went to sleep with me still stood beside the cot.

Next night do it again, it should take less time but be consistent, do exactly the same as u did the night before, immediately lay her back down, shh etc.

When that’s sorted start sitting away from her in the room but keep shhh’ing so she knows you’re there. And then just gradually decrease it until you’re out of the room.

Just make sure it’s really really dark and eventually you’ll be able to put her in the cot and walk out without her seeing and she will think you are still there.

With the being sick etc put a waterproof cover on the mattress, have a load of sheets and fresh pjs at the ready and if she is sick then I would keep the room dark, do no talking or interacting, very quickly change the bed and her pjs and then straight back in the cot. She will soon learn that you’re not giving in. You need to be very very boring and firm about what you want her to do.

That’s what worked for me, maybe it will work for you? I’m also a single parent and I need the free time in the evening so I know how hard it is but I sorted this and now my little girl just goes straight down at 7 and that’s it. Be persistent and keep at it