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Sleep

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Original poster

Sleep & Resentment

19 replies

PossiblyPFB · 09/01/2018 23:37

I have to start this by saying I love my DD ( nearly 6) so much. She is our only & was a long time coming. She is our world.

When she was a baby, she was just the best sleeper. Seriously we were shocked by her amazing sleeping skills. Through the night at around 2.5 weeks without us doing anything in particular. Shockingly good.

At 2y or so we took her out of her cotbed rather suddenly as she managed to flip herself out - that same night DH took the side off the cotbed so we never had a chance to properly transition.

We live in a townhouse with 3 floors. At this time her nursery was in a small bedroom at the top of the house next to ours.

When it was time for her to get a “big girl bed” over a year ago (she was 4 at that time) we moved her into one of the 2 larger guest rooms on the middle floor, because she had outgrown the small room upstairs. It is lovely, and all of her toys fit in there, and it’s decorated with her input and interests in mind. We transitioned her into it properly. She was excited about it for a short period of time.... and then It did not go well.

For the last year or more we have dealt with her waking up, either screaming in an absolute panic scaring the bejeezus out of both of us, or coming up crying, or just appearing silently in our bed somewhere between 10pm-2am most nights and kicking and forcing us off the sides somehow.

She seems to be very upset she isn’t on the same floor as we are. She seems to be scared to be alone generally, but will sleep ok if she knows someone is on the same floor as her (in the guest room) or is in her room with her all night. She is currently asleep on the sofa downstairs and I will have to carry her up her when I go up in a minute- we have resorted to this as she just refuses to be put down in her own bed and it takes 1-1.5h to get her to sleep in her own bed sometimes so we just acquiesce to get her to bed on time and have any part of an evening to ourselves. I will probably spend 15-30 mins with her on the floor in her room while she goes to sleep after being moved.

What tends to happen though multiple times per week is one of us will go sleep in her bed and the other will sleep with her in our bed- generally for ease as both of us work and she has school and we are concerned about her lack of sleep.

We know this will not go on forever. And that we will miss her wanting to cuddle when it’s gone. However it’s very hard to deal with as we are just exhausted constantly dealing with it for the last 18 months or so. We have had couples city breaks away in lovely foreign cities where we basically just sleep. I would like to do that more locally !

Is it unreasonable to think that an otherwise happy 6yo should be sleeping through? I have become quite frustrated and resentful that we cannot help her to sleep well and it’s just impacting us a lot.

Am I crazy to think that DH and I should be able to have our own space, part of an evening & enjoy our marital bed (b/c really that’s been seriously hijacked) without fear of a tiny screaming intruder?

Any tips or thoughts on how to deal with the interrupted sleep properly in her own bed greatly, greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

sleepycat13 · 10/01/2018 05:06

I don't have a lot of advice really I'm afraid except to say hope it gets better soon for you. I also wonder whether she would prefer to sleep up on the top floor with you again? could you keep her main bedroom where it is but move her bed back up to the top floor again for a while?

Connebert · 10/01/2018 05:28

Obviously if you know she’s scared, you need to make sure she’s on the same floor as you! The solution is in your post.

BunloafAndCrumpets · 10/01/2018 05:36

I think for an easier life and a non-scared child, I'd move you or her so you're on the same floor for now. Like you say it's a phase. Good luck.

Scarlettpimpersmell · 10/01/2018 06:29

I'm struggling to understand this a bit, sorry. She won't sleep because she's scared on a floor on her own. She sleeps fine if somebody's on the same floor as her? Is that right? What reason is there for not moving her bed back to the small room on the same floor as you? Her current room can still be a playroom. Have you tried this without success? Or reallocated the room?
I think this age is a particularly fearful age as their imaginations are developing and continuing to try to make her sleep on a floor of her own when she's clearly very scared to just sounds a bit bonkers.... Sorry!

loveulotslikejellytots · 10/01/2018 06:40

Can you put her bed back in the small room and leave the bigger room as a toy room?

Fitzsimmons · 10/01/2018 06:45

I have a 5.5 year old and he gets afraid being upstairs alone. He has a very active imagination and often misinterprets shadows etc. So I think your daughter is pretty normal. I second the idea of moving her bed back upstairs.

MisstoMrs · 10/01/2018 06:48

What @connebert said

SandysMam · 10/01/2018 06:55

I wouldn’t have wanted to sleep on a separate floor as a kid and my 4 year old certainly wouldn’t. It’s not rocket science...get a smaller bed in the tiny room and have her sleep in there until she is 13 and can’t stand the sight of you!
I think you sound quite entitled OP and am wondering if this is for real. You are a parent, of course at some point you are going to lose sleep and have your marital bed disturbed, has MN taught you nothing??

AJPTaylor · 10/01/2018 07:00

The blindingly obvious solution has been mentioned upthread. I will add that our dd3 slept through the racket of having 2 teenage siblings in the house. Once they left she couldnt bear the quiet, and hated being upstairs on her own.

TittyGolightly · 10/01/2018 07:01

It’s weird to me that it’s considered fine for adults to have the comfort of bed sharing but small children are expected to sleep alone all night.

In our house there are nights when everyone sleeps separately and others where we all end up together or an adult ends up with DD (7).

DD’s bedroom has never had toys in it - only teddies and books. We converted one of the spare bedrooms into a playroom with a sofa bed. Works well.

As for the marital relations - any reason they have to take place in the one location?

Figgygal · 10/01/2018 07:05

Neither of my children (6 and 1) have ever slept in our beds maybe we are lucky but I don't think that's unreasonable.

You have to move her I can't believe you've let it go on so long as it is. We almost bought a house last year with 2 beds upstairs 2 beds downstairs and we didn't because of the need for one of them (probably the eldest) to sleep on a different floor and knowing that probably wouldn't go down well.

TittyGolightly · 10/01/2018 07:23

Neither of my children (6 and 1) have ever slept in our beds maybe we are lucky but I don't think that's unreasonable.

You (and they) have missed out on so much!

witherwings · 10/01/2018 07:25

I agree with others posters, move her bed to the small room or you move into the other bedroom on her floor until she feels more secure.

BangPippleGo · 10/01/2018 07:28

I honestly wouldn't have liked to have slept on a different floor to my parents until probably the teen years, and I was a very independent child. Please move her back into the smaller bedroom!

Original poster

PossiblyPFB · 10/01/2018 09:41

Thanks all,

The smaller room has well and truly been turned into my office as I WFH and can’t be changed back. It really is too small anyway she’s a tall child and while a cot was OK, a single bed wouldn’t fit well in this room. I like our home but really wouldn’t choose to buy a townhouse again.

I think part of this is not self-settling herself when she wakes from a sleep cycle (as we all do). And then panicking.

Before going to bed last night and agreeing to have her on the sofa with us I asked her to try and stay in bed and if she sleeps well and wakes in the morning before we get her up, she can come up.

I managed to get her down very quickly when I lifted her last night. I had put on the sound machine ahead of time and stayed with her about 5 minutes. She slept through to 5:45 !! and then quietly came up and got in bed on my side and went back to sleep for an hour or so.

I will have a think about some of the responses, thanks for your insight. Feeling better for an unbroken night.

OP posts:

Millybingbong · 10/01/2018 18:24

Take the inconvenience and care for your cold
You can work in another room.

Your response seems a bit mean.

user1493413286 · 10/01/2018 18:31

As a child me and my sister slept upstairs while my parents were downstairs; I remember even as an early teen feeling frightened upstairs on my own if my sister was away for the night

Snoopyokay · 10/01/2018 20:25

I would not have liked to be on a different floor to my parents too.

I think if you can't change your office then move your bedroom down to her level.

I used to go in with my Mum all the time until I was about 11! Poor Mum haha!

INeedNewShoes · 10/01/2018 20:33

You said there are two bedrooms on the middle floor so the easiest option looks to be to move your bedroom to be on the same floor as your DD?

Not many 6 year olds would be happy sleeping all alone on a floor.

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