Nap tips for exhausted/grieving first time Mum

[MrsGAT]

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible - apologies for the long explanation but just want to put my position into context....

After an extremely long and hellish journey to get here (almost 5 years, 4 failed IVF's, 2 x miscarriages), my DH and I were thrilled to bits to finally get pregnant and have our beautiful baby, so I feel bad even writing this really. It's just I find myself really struggling....

In the final trimester of my pregnancy, we found out my Dad, who I was incredibly close to, had a very aggressive form of leukaemia, which utterly broke my heart. I felt like the universe had finally given me everything with one hand, and taken it away immediately with the other. We lost my darling Dad, after a short very brave battle, in May of this year when my little one was 5 and a half months old.

I was completely devastated beyond words as I'd been so close to my Dad and the rest of the year went by in a blur to honest, where I was just doing my best to get through each day and do "the right thing" by my baby. I was travelling a lot visiting family, comforting my Mum and generally just trying to hold it together. In the midst of all this I was obviously a first time Mum so learning everything on the job as best I could, plus with a DD who just wasn't really interested in sleeping. I decided early on I didn't want to do CIO. Various family members were constantly giving "advice" throughout all this, most of which tended to be thinly veiled criticism, and just made me feel like I was doing everything wrong.

I then also got terrible anxiety problems, as well as a diagnosis of mild Post-Natal D - mainly as a result of witnessing the hugely traumatic actual death of my father, which was very sudden and panicked at the end - which somehow transferred to my DD and ended up with me getting OCD too - with checking up on her constantly at night, not being able to give her solids in case of choking, not being able to put her down etc.

I think I'm through the worst of that now, still not sleeping well, but feeling I'm gradually fighting my way out of this horrible fog.

The one main hangover from all of this, is that, for convenience and ease more than anything, I have always BF my DD to sleep, both night and day. BF has been the one thing I feel I've sort of succeeded at in being a Mum and to now, it's worked to give me some peace and quiet when I need it and she seems well and happy (Obviously I'm giving her solids now too!).

Her night time sleep isn't too bad these days - at least, I feel I can deal with it - but it's the naps that are completely flummoxing me. I try to get her down for ideally one in the morning and one in the early afternoon, even tried switching to one a day (I think she's at that "two is too many, one isn't quite enough" stage) but getting her asleep and staying asleep is a nightmare. She used to go off quite quickly on the boob, but now sort of feeds and then messes around playing, talking laughing etc. If she does finally fall asleep, after it taking me say 30-45 mins sometimes longer to get her down, she generally only sleeps for 20 mins, unless I stay lying in the bed with her, when she can go a bit longer.

But then finding the strength to do this twice a day is kind of beyond me at the moment, so it means I literally have no time to myself at all, all day. And I'm not meaning to do anything useful, just laundry, shower, using the toilet would be good.

Interestingly both night and day she will absolutely go to sleep other ways with my DH. At the weekend and if/when he's home, he can literally lay her next to him or on him and she goes to sleep in about 5 mins!Sometimes he rocks her too. I've tried all of this myself but of course she just fights for the boob and we start all over again.

I'm also very reluctant to give up breast-feeding at this point as for me, if that's not too selfish, I do enjoy it and really enjoy the closeness it gives me and my daughter. I'm also aware because of my age, it's kind of unlikely we'll manage another baby, much as I'd love one, so I really just want to enjoy it while I can. I guess it would just be nice to feel I was at least working towards another way to get her to nap to I could maybe just have an hour to myself in the day.

I've tried rocking, shushing, laying her in cot, laying her next to me, and with all of it she just ends up crying and fighting for the boob and I eventually give in as I just don't seem to have the strength at the moment to force her into anything else.

If any one who followed similar lines with their LO's - i.e. BF to sleep, not wanting to do CIO etc - is out the other side and could offer me light at the end of the tunnel, i'd be so grateful,

Apologies again for the long post
xxxx

You poor thing you’ve been through so much in such a short space of time

How old is your daughter?

I’m by no means an expert but I was co-sleeping and feeding to sleep until a couple of weeks ago when we implemented sleep training shortly after my DS turned 9 months. I was going through all the same things as you in terms of baby refusing to settle with me whereas he would settle with my husband etc

I’m still feeding 3-4 times a night but am trying to tackle one ridiculous problem at a time (to quote Chandler Bing) and the first was to get him down in his own cot without a boob, which he adamantly refused to do until the sleep training (which my husband mainly oversaw due to previously discussed boob issue).

I know it’s not for everyone but would sleep training be an option for you?

You are doing such an amazing job! I can't imagine what you've been through but please don't feel bad about BF to sleep - it's what babies are designed to do. Will your DD fall asleep in a car or a buggy or a sling? The idea that babies should have set naps at set times is a myth - some simply don't. I really recommend Sarah Ockwell's book The Gentle Sleep Book - it has lots of ideas that don't involve CIO and is very reassuring.

OP. I’m so sorry for your loss, how awful. You sound like you’re doing brilliantly.

I BF, had a poor sleeper/nap-fighter & didn’t “sleep train” - I have some ideas for you but need to walk the dog now & wake up the previously-poor-sleepers for school (responsibilities- they change but never end ) so I’m placemarking & will come back later.

So sorry about your dad. Your LO sounds like my DD. I BF until 20/21 months as it was becoming unmanagable for me at this point. I did bother with naps; she would occasionally sleep in the pushchair if we went for a long walk. DH took over bedtimes for a while when I stopped BF & then we started alternate bedtimes, which we still do.
DD is still a bad sleeper at almost 7, I think she has dyspraxia and she moves a lot in her sleep, needs to go to the toilet a couple of times. It turns out the trouble getting to sleep and never napping is just part of who she is and not something we were doing.

I'm sure you are doing a great job. One tip I've gradually learned fir getting on with things with a child constantly with you is to not worry about any mess they are making as you can sort that out quickly at the end. Cleaning the bathroom was the biggest issue for me and found that kerping her in view, but away from the toilet and products with her own sponge, bowl of water and somethibg to clean worked a treat. Even now she loves cleaning stuff.

Sorry didn't bother with naps

Have you tried taking her out in the buggy? Dd would only ever sleep in her buggy so I used to build a walk into our day around nap time

Ah op sorry for your loss. It sounds like you are doing so well. My ds was/is very similar. I pretty much always fed him to sleep or used a sling for naps and bedtime m. Around six months it stopped working at bedtime and so we had to get him to settle himself. We did gradual retreat so lots of shushing/ patting and staying close by I never thought it would work and it did take a while but gradually he started to go to sleep by himself. I still fed him to sleep if he woke in the night and I'm only just now (20m) starting to try and stop this. For naps I stopped feeding him around 12 months because he was going to nursery and I didn't know how they'd get him to sleep! I started by rocking him which would sometimes take over an hour but it would slowly work. Interestingly it always seems to be one step forward and two back and we regressed from rocking back to the sling, then we managed to settle him in a cot then regressed to sling again! Nighttime regressed to feeding to sleep just because he was so tired from nursery that he'd fall asleep but we're back to self settling most nights now.

With regards to 1/2 naps we started just doing really short 10 minute naps about 9 am. Would recommend no cry sleep solution if you've not read it.

Also learned to not worry about what other people think I always felt I was doing something wrong but you do what works for you and changing sleep routines is not something that can be done overnight. It does feel like a slog and I never thought I'd get there and we still haven't completely but we're getting there. Remember all babies are different.

We also had a similar time re miscarriages and ivf but it doesn't mean you can't have a moan. There is light at the end of the tunnel xx

Thank you all so so so much for your feedback - it's such a cliche but I can't tell you how reassuring it is to know there are other people out there in the same position. Everyone I know seems to have some sort of perfect sleep machine baby, who's been going through the night since about 3 days old
, so I've always assumed it's something I've been doing that's made my DD so bad at getting/staying asleep.

FoxtrotSkarloey - so sorry to hear about your loss. I absolutely know how devastating it is, and my heart goes out to you.

Thank you for your suggestions - and yes I have tried both buggy and car , especially as recently I just feel I need to out and be on the go a lot - but she doesn't sleep in either of them no matter how tired she is. She once slept in the buggy when she was a few months old but never since. She spends the whole time just busily staring and watching the world and it's like she doesn't want to miss out on anything! But I might make more of a conscious effort to give it another go as actually I think part of my stress with trying to get her down is the whole thing of spending hours in a dark bedroom, feeling like I'm not getting anywhere. It can feel very isolating.

I would definitely consider sleep training as long as it's the more gentle,non crying type. Her crying, especially at night, at the moment is just completely anxiety making. I just bought the no cry sleep solution from eBay- now just need to find the time/energy to read it!

I think once I feel I've got the nights a bit more regular - she's only just started doing part of the night in the cot in our room - I think I'll try to summon the energy to more directly deal with the napping. I think as suggested maybe nudging her gently towards the one nap is a good idea, as at the very least, that feels more manageable in terms of me getting her down. Can I just ask for those of you who tried to withdraw the boob from the nap, did you just literally physically lay the LO in the cot and do shush/pat or singing or whatever? I have tried that a couple of times with DD, who just looks at me like what the hell am I doing and then just sits up and starts playing around in the cot like I've just invented a new game. Trying to pat her or shush her is completely impossible as she never lies still long enough to do it!

Can't thank you all enough for your kind messages. It really does mean a lot.
xxxxx

I also own a baby that will only nap cuddled up to someone in a darkened room. If we have to go out I put a snoozeshade (£20, Amazon) on the buggy. It works 2 out of 3 times as long as I keep moving in a consistent environment, so I can stay walking outdoors but can't then take the buggy inside the house and stop.
You've had a rough time OP, I really hope things improve for you soon.