Please someone help me - going crazy

[flutterby12]

Hi everyone

I'm in desperate need of some advice and sleep.

DS is 14 months old and EBF but only before bed and throughout the night. He wakes 2 hourly, sometimes less sometimes more. We have co-slept from day one. We have the same routine every night, bath, boob and bed. He can take up to an hour to feed and go to sleep. He generally then wakes 2-2 1/2 hours later. When he wakes he hardly ever settles with DH and I have to go up and feed to sleep again. He has a good meal before we start the routine.

I am back in work and EXHAUSTED. I'm also getting to the point that I want to be able to go out of an evening but can't because I know he won't settle.

I want to stop co-sleeping and BF. We are TTC and I don't want to be bed-sharing and feeding DS. My hips are starting to suffer. There are some nights where he won't settle unless latched on - he refuses a dummy and has never taken a bottle. I'm contemplating taking decongestant to dry up my supply so he might give up of his own accord.

He has his daytime naps in the buggy. I have tried in the past to put him in cot but he screams and screams. I can't and won't do cry it out because it breaks my heart.

I'm really struggling. Any help is greatly appreciated. I won't be co-sleeping with the next one.

Much sympathy. Sounds like the situation I had with my DD (now sleeping in her own room through the night at 2, you'll be pleased to hear!). This probably isn't the approach that's recommended...but I went cold turkey. Had a night out planned and so DH did the night with DD. The next night was my birthday and me and DH had a night away planned so my parents looked after DD. After that, it seemed pointless to feed anymore! DD took to it surprisingly well, which confirmed my suspicion that she'd just been comfort feeding.

It wasn't the magic bullet for a full night of sleep, but things did improve a lot. Should add that my DD refused a bottle so that was an option. Does your DS take one? I'm guessing not from your post.

Some will recommend a gentler weaning approach but I do think at this stage they're not needing it as much and it has become habit rather than necessity.

Good luck - I remember well the grind of being back at work and not sleeping...

Should have said sorry, after the two initial nights of no feeding DH took over for a week so DD wouldn't smell my milk. I know you say your DS won't settle with DH but would your DH be prepared to persevere, maybe even taking a bit of time off work? It's horrendous at the time but only short term and IMO worth it to crack this.

Thanks so much for your reply. I think I am just going to have to bite the bullet at some point and do this. We have some time off late Jan so will do it then. He's never taken a bottle, which has probably been half the problem. Just the battle of getting him into his cot! Did you co-sleep with your DD?

I tried settling him to sleep tonight without feeding and he was going ape and getting louder and louder. I don't know where to start

You poor thing! Are you sure you want to TTC right now? This is the stuff that can break a person so don't put pressure on yourself to have number 2.

I am useless as I have no advice but a universe of empathy. DC3 did this until nearly 3. I am sometimes astonished that I'm alive! It's indescribable how tough it is to have a dreadful sleeper. It is utterly depressing.

Is DH a snorer? Does he come to bed later? I'm just wondering if anything is disturbing your LO's sleep and breaking the cycle.

Would you try letting your DH do the bedtime routine and settling to sleep for a while so that he stops associating bedtime with you/boob? I had a different approach with my DS (who is now 13 months old) so I admit I haven't been in your situation exactly (and every child is different!), but I think this is what I would try if I were: have DH do bedtime for a couple of days and see how it goes. Put in the cot and rub gently/pat his back until he relaxes and goes to sleep. I suspect he will cry and might take a while to settle on the first night, but if one of you were in there with him it's not cry it out, as he knows you are there and gets comfort so it would be a gentler approach. Would you feel more comfortable with something like that?

My DS would never take a proper bottle and was iffy with a cup for awhile. It was really hard work. Then I found this, the Mam Trainer Bottle which he understood straight away and life started to get easier. Mam do a product called a "starter cup" too but he wouldn't take that.

I thought it was a fluke - you know, every kid is different etc but oddly enough 6 month old DS2 won't take anything other than the exact same bottle. Could be worth a try? That would then unlock some time away for you and possibly for your DH to do some bedtimes?

Blah can never copy and paste properly on my phone - here is the actual link

Short answer - you’ll find a way and you will feel so much better shortly! Jay Gordon’s night weaning method might be a good one to google, or check La Leche League website for night weaning as they are bound to have some info and links. Long answer based on my experience - For us co-sleeping and breastfeeding back to sleep kept me sane with dd1 and got me some sleep (bottle refusing cot-screecher) until about the stage your ds is at now. We waited a few more months and then DH took some holiday and we night weaned her. Basically I settled her for bed (fed to sleep and yes could take an hour), then fed her if she woke again until 11pm. From that point on until 5am DH dealt with all wakings for a week, armed with just a sippy cup of water and as many cuddles as she wanted (settling her straight in her cot just led to her screaming until she was sick and always had). I slept downstairs with white noise on. First nights were tough but she started very quickly to just flop back down in the cot when DH went in and did start to extend her sleep a bit. After a week I was able to settle her in the night without a feed but it was tough at times when I was pacing up and down or rocking for a bit if she’d got too wound up to put back in her cot as I just kept thinking- perhaps she’s hungry, would it be quicker to feed her.... but I held out and it was far better overall quite quickly. We did have a few occasional night feeds - sickness bug etc but were quickly able to get back to the new routine. So she night weaned around 16 months and then was fully weaned at 20 months but I pushed that as I was pregnant again with DT’s and couldn’t cope with the idea of tandem feeding 3 at a time! Sleep for you now is so important and he will cope and you’re not a bad mum for needing to make some changes. I’m back in the same boat with the DT’s who are now a year and one in particular like their older sister so in a few months will be seeing how we can do it this time... harder as DH will struggle to settle 2 at once and we’re both knackered in the day with 3. But we’ll get there, done it once and can do it again! Good luck.

Thank you everyone for your replies.

@TheVanguardSix we are trying/not trying - just seeing how it goes. I don't want a big gap but haven't had proper periods since having him. It is so hard. DH isn't a snorer. DS wakes between 10-10:30 every night then we go up to bed and I feed to sleep again. DH does try but it doesn't work.

@Ifyouthinkiwillsleepyoudream I am going to do that. I think breaking the habit will definitely help. We have some time off later in the month so will start it then. I would definitely be happier with this approach but he gets himself so worked up he is wide awake again and inconsolable.

@Jenala thank you. I've tried so many bottles he just refuses them. He can't have dairy as he is intolerant to it, I've also had to cut all dairy out which is another reason I want to stop because I'm missing so much cheese etc - I know this is very selfish.

@WhatWillGeorgeDo thanks I will have a look into Jay Gordon. I've just bought the Sarah Ockwell-Smith book on a gentle approach so waiting for that to come. I can't imagine tandem feeding two let alone three. You are a hero feeding twins! I felt awful tonight trying to settle him without feeding but after 15 mins of constant screaming and crying I gave in. It's a big difference to him as he's so used to feeding to sleep and it's normal for him.

Thank you again, I really don't know how I will do this. I never envisaged feeding him for this long, bed-sharing etc. It's going to be a long road! Just having a bit more time to myself would be amazing. I'd love not to do bath time just for a break x

Yes - the feed to sleep was the penultimate one to go for us (sleepy early morning one the last) and that one did feel baby-led. DH was around for 3 bedtimes in a row and she just settled with book and a cuddle, and I never offered a night time one again.

@flutterby we co slept till about 17 months I think...then moved DD into her own room BUT there was a single bed in there so me and DH ended up taking it in turns to sleep next to her. Although her sleep had improved she was still waking several times and we needed to function at work so we fell into doing that. We didn't stop until she was 2.3 and I was heavily pregnant - we knew we had to get it under control before baby arrived.

It's not ideal and I don't want to get into this with DS. But when you are so tired, it's just too tempting to take the easier route if it will get you more sleep!

Please don't feel selfish for wanting to have dairy - I could not handle giving it up! Tried for two days with DD as I water to eliminate a dairy intolerance, and I failed miserably. I can't live without milk and cheese! You are absolutely amazing to have got this far being dairy free.

Ah thanks @WhoAteAllthePercyPigs (love your username. I love Percy pigs!). I was thinking the single bed idea may be worth a shot. He's a bit under the weather at the mo (as am I) so I'm going to research all of the methods mentioned and read the Sarah Ockwell-Smith book then approach it again.

Thank you, It has been hard at times with the dairy but I am finding I prefer Oatly in tea now instead of cows milk. I really miss chocolate and cheese though, haven't had a decent pizza for ages now and what I'd give for a Lindt chocolate!

Everything seems 10x worse when you're sleep deprived. I know there's not going to be a quick fix I just need to figure out the best approach for all of us. Thank you again x

I'm also looking for advice as my 7 month old cosleeps and will not go in cot. I feed to sleep and if I try and put her in her cot she either wakes immediately or after about half an hour. She seems to be a restless sleeper unless she is attached to me all night. I am finding it very restrictive as I can't have any evenings with my husband or friends as I basically go to bed when my Dd does. Tried leaving her over the Xmas period just to socialise for a bit. Ended up back home after an hour as she would not settle. In the day she naps in her pram outside without feeding to sleep and will settle for my husband or family members but at night she doesn't want anyone but me 😩

Oh @user1508013898 I feel for you. It's so, so hard. Have you tried a hot water bottle to warm the sheets before you put her down? Obviously remove it before you put her down hope things improve for you x