12 month old screaming at bed time

[ShuttyTown]

My 12mo DD has always been a terrible day time sleeper but a brilliant night time sleeper, often sleeping 6-6 or 6-7. However for the past few weeks she wakes after about 15 minutes of being asleep in her cot and then screams until she's sick unless we get her and take her downstairs where she'd then happily stay awake until 10-10.30pm.

I realise we got into a bad habit of giving in and taking her downstairs but if we didn't she screams and screams and won't be settled with rocking or laying in our bed with me, she doesn't want more milk or a drink etc and I have a 5yo DS who is losing sleep because of her screaming.

Is this just a case of a bad habit that we need to break? Or am I doing something wrong in the day time? She has one 2 hour nap on a morning but won't have a second short nap on an afternoon, we do bath and bed starting at 5pm with the aim of getting her into bed for 5.45. I lay on my bed with her and she has her milk then while she's sleepy but still awake I lay her in her cot, she then will go off to sleep but only for 15 minutes and that's when the screaming starts.

I've not given in tonight and done controlled crying, she has made herself sick 3 times so far. I don't know what to do to help her settle. She's got lullabies on and a nightlight. She's currently still screaming.

Any help appreciated.

Really sorry to hear your still having trouble op. It must be exhausting. We have a 2.4 yr old and a 5 month old and often spend the evenings separately trying to sort them out and it’s a bit demoralising. Thinking out the box could you move her Ben to another room or swap it for another bed or covers or something. I know I’m clutching at straws but a change might break the pattern. Are you going anywhere at Christmas? Might help to mix things up a bit. Hope things improve soon, screaming 1 year olds are not fun!

Bed not Ben, where did he come from!

I've laid her down each time, no talking no eye contact

No no no.

Firstly, I assume she's capable of lying down herself?

Secondly, it's your care and attention she is screaming for. She's learnt that the only way she gets that is if she screams for long enough for you you take her out if the room and downstairs. Or if you feed her to sleep on your bed. Then she gets a little care and attention.

She appears to be getting no positive care and attention when she is in the cot. These are what I read:

-I've tried staying in her room sitting with my back to her

• I leave the room [while she's in the cot] she's hysterical
• no talking no eye contact
• She's got lullabies on and a nightlight [but no one with her while she screams]

There's no compassion, love or care from you towards your child in any of these behaviours. It therefore doesn't surprise me that she doesn't like her cot.

My suggestions would be to:
● be utterly consistent with going from awake to asleep in the cot. Yes, it might take all frigging night. Accept that and find a way to cope.
● stay with her all the time until she is lying down in the cot asleep.
● tap the mattress and get her to lie down. I assume she can and does follow simple instructions like this in the daytime? Praise, it's fine to giggle and smile. Gush even. "Good girl, you lied down. I love you, you are very clever to lie down when mummy asked".
● Its all about care, compassion, love and attention. Smile, constant eye contact. Praise the behaviour you want (lie down herself, stay lied down, quiet).
● Maintain physical touch in a loving, caring way. Do lovely face tickles or hair strokes, keep your face bent close to hers. Sleepy smiles from you, eye contact, physical touch contact (hand on chest helps reaffirm stillness), whispered tones.
● Take one step at a time and be relentless, while also bring calm and patient. Make her feel loved and protected throughout, even if she gets upset.
● First step- lie down. It might take 2 hours. So be it. Do get focus know what games next. Just work on getting her to lie down herself, not you lying her down. Praise praise praise and Repeat repeat repeat. Every time she gets up, focus on getting her to lie back gown.
● Step Two - stay lying down. This might take another few hours. So be it, stay calm. After a while of standing up and down, up and down, she will learn the instruction to lie down and the positive praise from you will encourage her to follow the instruction. Next phase is stay lying down. Your hands on her (in a compassionate, caring way) helps keep her lying. Praise the specific behaviour: "You lay down and have stayed lying down. Good girl, I am very proud of you doing as mummy asked. I love you" (whispered tones, smiley face).
● Step Three - don't leave or withdraw. All that caring, loving compassionate time you've put in will be undone if you have got leaving ad soon as she settles. All that would do is teach her to fight relaxing and settling in order your keep you being loving with her at bedtime. Stay. Stay close, with physical contact and constant eye hon tach right through relaxing, eyes drooping and until fully asleep.
● over the next week or three, repeat all of the above every night without changing anything. Don't withdraw, this time is to build trust that you'll stay either her even she's going to sleep in her cot and be lovely. Once she trusts you'll stay, the yime it takes for her to settle should also reduce.
● once settling time with unlimited amount of care and attention is down your about 15 minutes, then aim to withdraw a little bit or attention. Maybe stand by her got once settled (with eye contact) instead if bending over the cot. Give that a few days, then try a step away from the goggles after does settled... and so on.

My daughter is quite different to everything that is suggested on the internet. It took persistence but she is much better now than she has ever been although some people still wouldn't be happy.
I would give her a hug and hold her tight, give a kiss, then cradle in my arms and kind of roll her into cot from my arms. Making sure to put bum down first to prevent the falling feeling.
At the beginning she would stand straight up and squeal again so I would do exact same routine (oh I would also hold a heavy hand on her side). This happened about 30/40 time the first few nights and eventually getting less and less.
Now she will always get up one more time for one more hug. And she pulls my neck in tight, pushes her cheek against mine, then throws herself onto her side (cradle hold) and tries to roll out of my arms and then she will go to sleep. The only time she deviates now is if she has sore teeth etc. My LG needs affection and needs the closeness to feel safe. The whole ignoring thing would not work for her. I still can't leave the room until she falls asleep but it doesn't even take 5 min.
She also won't go to sleep if she hasn't been up at least 4 hours from last nap so make sure Your lg is up from before 2 for a 6 put down.

Have you also checked out wonder weeks. It does just sound like she is going through a leap. Down load the app it honestly explains so much

There is also a gentle sleep fb page if you are on fb.

I appreciate your help and response @FATEdestiny but I'm really upset by your reply. Accusing me of not giving her love and attention was very upsetting and not something you say to a mum who is clearly struggling. The whole tone of your post is scalding me and making out I'm being more or less abusive towards my DD.

Every single piece of advice you read on the internet advises no talking, low light, no eye contact, etc etc. Basically everything I've already tried, I got it all off forums and 'help' websites.

I'm going to ask for this thread to be deleted now. You've really made me feel like shit and a terrible mother when all I asked for was some help. I understand your way is a different way to advice off the internet but the way you worded it was horrible. My daughter is very much loved, gets lots and lots of attention and care and I am with her 24/7.

@ShuttyTown honestly take no notice. People have different opinions and you're doing a great job.
Some people just don't agree with any kind of sleep training. You just need to do what works for you.
I don't know how people find it too harsh to lie a child back down gently while sat there the whole time saying "ssshhh ssshhhh". It's not like you're leaving her for hours while she's screaming wondering where you are. You are RIGHT next to her. Getting some proper sleep benefits everyone, especially the health and happiness of a 12 month old.

@ShuttyTown please don't feel rubbish. You are obviously a great mother or she wouldn't be crying after you to begin with.

I hope I didn't offend you, I was just giving what worked for my daughter. I have been were you are a month ago and it's soul destroying and exhausting and lack of sleep is a form of torture.

Some of my friends tried sleep training and it worked for them, my LG we tried it for 1 night and it did not work. She is much too determined to ever give up shouting at me. My cousins were sleep trained and are healthy functioning adults.
With what I do now I still don't look at her, I close my eyes as though I'm sleeping.

Every baby is different, totally different, so you just have to try things out to see what works. Something will eventually click. Mothers also know best, and you are doing the best you can.

I do suggest wonder weeks app if you don't use it and also try 4 hours. At 12 months my LG also dropped to 1 nap a day.

It does get better

@ShuttyTown please don’t take @FateDestiny’s words to heart. I find a lot of her advice far to ridgid and her post here was totally uncalled for. I’m sure she was just trying to help but children/babies are not robots. I’m sure your doing your very best it what sounds like a very difficult situation which is why I wanted to show my support to you. I wish I could be of more help but in the meantime

Is there any difference between when she goes to bed and when she goes for her nap? Youve said the morning nap is fine and she sleeps for a few hours? Is her nap in her cot?

Try not to feel bad about this. I read recently that the more people read about it the worse they felt. If you want to chat about sleep training then feel free to message me. I find the prescriptive advice given above a bit patronising, but then for some people it could be what they want/ need

And also I do almost exactly what you do and my children are most certainly loved to bits

Every single piece of advice you read on the internet advises no talking, low light, no eye contact, etc etc.

No it doesn’t.

Fate destiny is right. You’ve made the cot a punishment for your DD. She is asking you for attention and affection and you are not providing it (based on your owns words). Her cot is somewhere she hates, and it’s a key time for separation anxiety. Double whammy.

Time for a rethink.

@ShuttyTown you are not a bad parent and please don't let anyone - especially a stranger on an Internet forum - ever feel like you are.

I once felt the exact same way when Fate commented on my post desperately seeking help for my (then) 4 month old non-napping baby. From reading so many other threads on here, I was under the impression that her advice worked for everyone so I made myself follow it as I was so desperate. My daughter screamed more in that bouncy chair with me trying to get her to take a dummy than I had ever heard her cry and to this day, I regret trying that approach (and I regret taking comments to heart.)

Her advice on amount of sleep needed and timings is pretty much spot but the getting baby to sleep part is not universal. If I followed the advice she has given you on here, there is not a hope in hell my daughter would go to sleep. She is just different where sleep is concerned and even after using a sleep consultant, she can be a major challenge when it comes to getting her to sleep. Given the opportunity, she will always resist sleep and stay awake instead - she will cry out for attention because she wants to play. However she needs to sleep so I will not give her the type of attention she wants. If I were to give her what she wanted, she would stay awake all day and night (something she used to get away with until 5 months) and be a super grumpy, overtired irritable. That is clearly not in her best interests.

My advice would be not to follow what posters on here say and use a sleep consultant. It was the best £100 ever spent in our case. Advice on here is given with best of intentions but just gets confusing and posters contradict each other (understandably so), making it so hard for you to stay consistent. A consultant will tailor a plan to your style of parenting and hold your hand as you implement it, telling you where you can improve along the way.