Baby crying hysterically with gradual retreat

[minayasi]

My DD is 10 months, she still wakes up several times at night. I generally feed or rock her to sleep. I have recently stopped her night feeds so she only gets a feed after 5am now, however she still wakes up very frequently.

I tried the gradual retreat method yesterday and she cried for almost 2 hours. I just could not remain sitting on the chair as she was so upset, I had to hold her most of the time and she just wouldn't sleep unless she was in my arms, although I did not rock her. I think it was a wasted effort and probably not worth the level of distress I caused my baby. She was up again through the night and I had to hold her to sleep. I don't know what to do, I can't continue to distress her so much. She cried almost to the point of being sick and continued to cry in her sleep. I'm really heart broken.

So sorry you're going through this. I remember it all too well with my eldest. My youngest was a different kettle of fish. With the gift of hindsight I wouldn't have bothered. I know that's hard to hear but controlled crying just didn't work for her and like you it used to break my heart. Is there any way you can muddle through until she's able to settle herself? Could DP take some of the 'night shifts'?

Trust your gut instinct I'd say. And keep the faith, you're doing great mama xxx

With my own parenting decisions, I always go by 'if it feels wrong, it probably is'.

Trust your instincts. There's a reason why it upsets you to hear/see your child in distress like that - you're the mother and you're hard wired to protect and soothe your baby.

Ten months is still little (not newborn little but still a baby). I have never sleep trained myself, but can you look into gentler, no cry methods, or wait a while? If your child is cutting teeth, in a leap, in a sleep regression there's little point in trying any sort of training until it's passed.

We had a dreadful time with sleep around this time- waking several times a night, sometimes awake for over an hour at a time. We nearly went mad with sleep deprivation, especially as DS had not slept longer than about 3-4 hours in a stretch since birth (and usually 2 hours). It is utterly soul destroying, the sheer bone tiredness of it all. I remember trying a bit of controlled crying at this age but couldn't bear it, DS was so distressed and it really didn't feel right, whatever had worked for others. How I 'coped': I had DS' cot next to my side of the bed. I fed/cuddled to sleep in the evening and when he woke up in the night it was easier to be able to just pick him up and feed/cuddle back to sleep. I don't know if there's a developmental leap or separation anxiety or something at that age but I don't think they like being away from you which is so hard. Some people bedshare but that was a personal space invasion too far for me!

It took until DS' one year jabs to sleep for 7 solid hours, and then he didn't sleep through properly until about 14-15 months. We didn't dare hardly even mention it to each other in case we jinxed it!

It is so gruelling and so hard to know what to do, especially when other people and the internet etc seem so keen to tell you to ignore your child and let them cry themselves to sleep. I know some people hate the phrase 'this too shall pass' but it really really will. In the meantime just hang in there.

Thanks so much for the support. Will she get to a place where she can self settle or am I depriving her of learning a necessary life skill.

I can only talk of my own experience (same as everyone, they only know their own babies). My child only ever napped on me and was cuddled/rocked to sleep every single time until around 10-11 months. So not the same as you with the frequent waking but another sleep 'issue' if you like. One day, out of the blue my baby wriggled and fussed when I tried to cuddle to sleep as normal so I set him down in the cot and he just went to sleep on his own after rolling around for a few minutes (quite happily). Ever since then (now 17 months) he has gone up to bed day and night awake and settled to bed alone after a quick kiss and 'night nights now, sleep well'.

For us, I feel that he'd reached the stage in his development where he was like 'no thanks mum, I can do this on my own'. He was happy and secure enough and more importantly developmentally ready to self settle. I never, ever left him to cry it out or sleep trained.

Anyway, that's what happened for me. No one can tell you what your baby can or will do, but it may be worth hanging on in there a bit before trying stressful (to you both) techniques. Your baby may well just get there in their own, in their own time. In the interim, try to snatch sleep wherever you can!

I just could not remain sitting on the chair as she was so upset

Neither could I, and im a massive fan of gradual withdrawal.

It sounds like you are applying too much "withdrawal" and not "gradual" enough. Little tiny baby steps slowly taken iver time is the way to do it gently. Your first step might be rocking to nearly asleep, then cuddling stationary without rocking to sleep, then oytying baby down. With thr initial aim of 'not rocking to sleep' as your success criteria.

Of course you can do it faster, with more extreme withdrawal. Like going straight ibto sitting by the cot on a chair and baby in the cot. But that's going to involve a lot more crying, as you have found.

I'd have baby in your room and just maximise everyone's sleep to be honest. I wouldn't worry about depriving him of a life skill, he'll get there in the end even if you co-sleep.

My DS isn't the best sleeper. At 12 months I gave in, put our mattress on the floor and side car-ed a cot in toddler bed mode. Now we are down to one wake up a night and I don't have to leave my bed! I find it better than bed sharing as we all have our own space.

If you're uncomfortable with the sleep training then I'd just stop. My baby never read the books and didn't do any of the things they said he should! I didn't bother to do any sleep training, I knew it wouldn't work!

With my own parenting decisions, I always go by 'if it feels wrong, it probably is'

^^ this.

You've not long stopped her night feeds and now stopping her have comfort from you that she's been used to for 10 months. I would put it off for another month, let her get used to no feeds during the night and start again (if it feels right) in a month.

Don't beat yourself up. Sleep deprivation is a bitch. It isn't for ever and it will get better, I promise.

Trust your instincts. You're at peak separation anxiety, and tbh this is a pretty bad stage to try and do sleep training (in my opinion)

Why did you stop night feeds? You could try offering a dream feed when you go to bed, establish that and it may well encourage more sleep. Once she's in a better pattern, slowly reduce the dream feed.

I know how exhausting it is. My eldest woke 5+ times a night until he was 18 months old, and even when he started sleeping through, he thought 4:30am was the start of the day. It was fucking TORTURE. I tried absolutely everything, and there are 10yo threads on here with me begging for advice.

With the second one I couldn't be arsed. I just did what ever method resulted in the most sleep. If that meant feeding twice in the night, I didn't care. Co-sleeping, lying on his floor, rocking to sleep. Anything. He's now the best sleeper ever.

You'll get there xx

Btw I don't think they need teaching to self settle btw. Helping them wind down, removing stimulation, good timing for bedtime etc.

With my second I didn't bother with daytime naps in the cot, which with heinsight probably helped him to associate his cot with bedtime. Daytime naps were on me when sma, or on the sofa next to me as he got bigger, often in the pushchair too as had to fit around the other one. Proper lazy mode. Worked a treat, tbh. He felt super secure and is a really confident toddler.

I'm not against sleep training btw, it can be useful and it does work, but when it doesn't then it's find that give up and try something else

Sounds like it's not right for your or your babe x

Apologies haven't read fully. Sounds like a really stressful approach. All of my 3 were and are different sleepers - like they have different personalities. They all sleep well now but heck I remember some tough times.

No 1. (Actually at the age of 9 dx with sever persisting reflux - which we never copped onto as we were new parents and knackered ... not a wonderful sleeper I'm early years but super since about 2 years. Needs early bedtimes. Struggled with self soothing as a baby needed support to settle and soothe.

No 2 - chilled out self soother, more of a late to bed night owl and will sleep in easier in am. Slept well from day 1.

No 3 good sleeper but needs reassurance of wakes in night, needs support to settle back to sleep, very routine driven.

So there you have it different children diffferent bed times same parenting just adapted for different needs

Maybe try another method for sleeping ?

Didn't mean thAt unkindly btw am dropping off to sleep myself right nowso will check on tomor

Please trust your instincts. Self settling is a developmental thing - you can't teach it and children all get there eventually. My mantra was always 'they won't be needing me to .... (insert unwanted habit) ..... on their wedding day/night, and it's true - they all grew in to happy independent adults in their own time.

Just leave it. Shes not ready. I dont think you need to teach this really. They do sleep by themselves eventually whether you teach them or not

I wouldn't bother. I tried all this and more with the first. I look back and think why? (Well being a first time mum is probably why).
But honestly it's not worth the stress. Just have baby with you. Eventually baby will sleep through, however long that may take.
Mine now 10 and 7 have not been deprived of a life skill because I co-slept or didn't sleep train.

I feel your pain I had two rubbish sleepers though by the time number 2 came along I just did what worked which meant co-sleeping quite a lot.

I did eventually get them to learn to self-settle, by doing controlled crying aged about 2 both times. 3/4 difficult nights and they cracked it. With ds2 I had tried similar several times for a few days and failed but not long after he turned two he was "ready" and it worked.

Leave it and try something anything that enables the most sleep and least stress.
Both dc co slept despite stating after dc1 that I would NEVER do it again actually dc2 slept 7-7 from 9 weeks until 12 months old, then decided she'd had no desire to ever go in her cot or room again

You will not damage her developmentally, do what works for you and your family to enable good quality sleep.
Our obsession with self settling and own rooms is overrated, this is what I tell myself to make me feel better as dc2 currently in my bed and hogging the space