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Self-settling at nursery but not at home

16 replies

FurryGiraffe · 30/08/2017 10:10

DS2 is 15 months. In sleep terms he is two different babies. At nursery, they pop him in the cot, he rolls over and goes to sleep (his keyworker has repeatedly described him as the easiest baby to get to sleep they have). At home, he is a nightmare.

He was a decent sleeper (for his age) until six months old, at which point a combination of weaning/food intolerance and constant bouts of bronchiolitis and wheezing sent everything to hell in a handcart. We now finally have the food issues and his asthma largely under control and sleep has improved a lot now he's not waking up with stomach pain/coughing fits. He's pretty much down to one/two wake ups usually and we've night weaned him. So, huge huge improvements on where we were only a couple of months ago.

But getting him to sleep at home is so hard. Although he self settles at nursery, he has only done this a handful of times at home. Most of the time if you put him in the cot awake he screams blue murder and always has done. So we have a combination of feeding to sleep (which is easy but relies on my presence) and rocking him (which he submits to but often fights like fury- but DH doesn't really have another option at the moment).

I'm fully aware that we have not done as much as we could have to encourage independent falling asleep at home, because until very very recently we were both just too bloody exhausted dealing with the stomach issues and the asthma. But now we're a bit less exhausted, I think I can face the prospect.

So, any advice on how to persuade a child who you know can self settle, to actually do it? He's never had a dummy, isn't interested in comforters (we've tried). Bed time routine is ok, though DS1 (4) is a bit of a limiting factor: I quite often have to do bedtime for both solo, and put DS1 to bed first, and if he's not being very cooperative then DS2 can end up a bit overtired and grumpy before I can put him to bed, which obviously doesn't help.

OP posts:
FATEdestiny · 30/08/2017 12:09

I would suspect nursery left him to cry and he accepted that he has no other option than to go to sleep at nursery. So he doesn't cry or make a fuss because that makes no difference to the outcome.

FurryGiraffe · 30/08/2017 12:22

I am as certain as I can be that they definitely did not leave him to cry. When he first started nursery he really fought naps. His keyworker used to rock him to sleep and then transfer him but he'd wake within 15 minutes. She's gradually got him from rocking, to lying down in the cot with a back rub, and now, completely self settling. I really doubt she's created an elaborate fantasy over a period of 4-5 months where she's managed to gently persuade him to self settle, when actually she's just left him to cry it out.

OP posts:
JustMumNowNotMe · 30/08/2017 12:26

I'm afraid I agree with FATE, its likely hes been sleep trained in some way.

crazycatlady5 · 30/08/2017 12:38

children find their own way of going to sleep when parents aren't there. They are able to adjust, I can only feed my daughter to sleep, I can't find any other way - but if I'm not around she will EASILY be rocked to sleep with daddy or my mum. I just think they are different when it comes to mama/parents, they just accept you're not there in other situations x

FATEdestiny · 30/08/2017 12:42

I didn't say she left him to cry it out alone. I would say with equal certainly that nurseries also don't leave babies to scream alone - that would give rise to a room full of 8 babies all getting no sleep. And is exceptionally harsh.

But I maintain I strongly suspect they let baby cry - while being comforted by nursery staff - but still crying until asleep in the cot. There was probably also some coming and going between comforting several children at nap (not dissimilar to "spaces soothing" aka controlled crying)

With completely and total consistancy and an acceptance that babies/toddlers often cry when things don't go their way, something nursery staff will be very used to, baby will quite quickly learn that going to sleep is not optional and crying or fussing make no difference to the outcomes.

Those are my thoughts anyway.

allisbright · 30/08/2017 12:43

Following as we are in exactly the same situation with DD. Only I haven't night weaned yet.

NameChange30 · 30/08/2017 12:51

Does it matter exactly what they did at nursery? Unless the OP wants to use the exact same method - but she doesn't have to.

FWIW OP, I think consistency is key. I don't think you feeding to sleep and your DH rocking to sleep is ideal. Maybe you could stick to rocking and then when that's going more smoothly, progress gradually to putting him down sooner and sooner.

Just a suggestion.

FATEdestiny · 30/08/2017 13:04

You're right, that baby sleeps easily at nursery is a red herring and unimpittsnr here. It's not relevant to the fact that baby doesn't sleep well at home.

OP, i wouod just pick your sleep trainibg method (if that's what you want to do) and follow it through with complete consistancy.

That might be the gentle routes like NCSS with panty pull off to rocking to sleep to gradual withdrawal. Or harsher but faster routes to independant sleep up to controlled crying. Or anything in between.

I guess you just need to find a method that most cots with your parenting style and follow it through.

FATEdestiny · 30/08/2017 13:05

unimportant*

NameChange30 · 30/08/2017 13:06

Panty pull off Grin Grin
(You can tell I'm sleep deprived for chuckling at that!)

Nan0second · 30/08/2017 13:09

It sounds like they did gradual retreat at nursery, so you could do that at home? Consistency is key though. There may be tears but it sounds like he needs to learn to sleep! Will probably be quite easy (i.e. Take minimal time) if you get tough!)

FATEdestiny · 30/08/2017 13:15

Hee hee - Panty pull off may end up getting you another baby! A misplaced L and E there Grin

FurryGiraffe · 30/08/2017 13:15

Thanks for the thoughts all.

FATE. Sorry, I misunderstood your post. I'm sure there will have been some crying at nursery, as there has inevitably been at home (unavoidable with a second child). But at home, he will not remotely be comforted in the cot: it is full throttle hysteria if you put him in.

While I hear the point about consistency, I am very reluctant to give up feeding to sleep because at the moment he resists being rocked so fiercely. It's not a calm start to his night at all. It feels very counter intuitive to insist he sleep way rather than the calm way IYSWIM. Also, as he's got older, rocking to sleep has got harder: he resists it more. I'm slightly terrified of it being even harder to get him to sleep than it is now.

OP posts:
FurryGiraffe · 30/08/2017 13:20

I should probably give the Pantly Pull off another whirl. I tried it when he was little (four/five months) because it worked well with DS1. But DS2 was so resistant to it that after several days of bedtime taking hours I rather abandoned it in favour of getting him into bed quickly and drinking a glass of wine...

Yes I am lazy Grin

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 30/08/2017 16:50

I think it's short term pain for long term gain, though it is hard when you're exhausted and just need a break.

We've managed to transition DS from feeding to rocking to sleep but it only works if you're consistent and don't give up. If he's really crying and won't sleep despite our best efforts to rock him, we leave the bedroom, go downstairs with lights on, offer him a feed and cuddle him for a bit before going back into the bedroom and trying again.

NameChange30 · 30/08/2017 16:51

(I should add this is bedtime and nap times, I still feed him back to sleep at night wakings - That will be the last one to go!)

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