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Original poster

Already feel guilty for Bed-Sharing

17 replies

FEJ2016 · 29/08/2017 08:59

I have a beautiful new baby girl who we had at home for the first time last night. She is so calm and feeds well but if she is put in a crib or Moses basket (I have a side-by crib and a basket we tried both) she instantly screams and does not stop until she is picked up. I've tried having my hand in there with her to comfort her but it does nothing and she hates being on her back... so at 4am this morning having not had any sleep in 36 hours because of labour I gave in and let her bed share with me. I made sure she was as safe as possible, I wasn't in a position I could roll over in and she wasn't anywhere near loose bedding etc. She was perfect, woke only to feed and slept so peacefully the rest of the time...
I now feel dreadfully guilty that this isn't the safest way for my baby to sleep and I gave in so easily. Can anyone who has been in the same situation as me (with a newborn who screams and feels abandoned when they're not being cuddled) tell me how they managed to get their baby into sleeping on their own? I'm determined to do the right thing!

OP posts:

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Changerofname987654321 · 29/08/2017 09:02

I was too scared to cosleep before 6 months as we were not breast feeding. We started at 6 months and at 15 months we still cosleep. When I have another baby I will probably cosleep earlier.

Read the link below for how to cosleep safely

www.dur.ac.uk/resources/isis.online/pdfs/ISIS_bed-sharing_2014.pdf

verysleepymum · 29/08/2017 09:04

It was your first night at home, give yourself a break!

I am three weeks in and I remember the feeling well, but it's already easier a couple of weeks later.

I just kept feeding dd until she was sleepy and trying the basket, eventually she settled there but I was just persistent. If she screamed I just cuddled her and then tried again later. But all babies are different so don't stress if they don't settle.

If you are bedsharing safely don't stress!

verysleepymum · 29/08/2017 09:09

Ps it took a good week of consistently trying her basket after every feed (so 10x a day) before she settled there. I never left her to cry, always picked her up immediately for a cuddle if she was upset

LottieDoubtie · 29/08/2017 09:10

Stop feeling guilty! You haven't ruined anything.

For the next 2 weeks at least just try and survive and enjoy as many cuddles as you can. Eat properly to aid your own recovery/BFing. Keep any stitches clean. That's it.

What you do NOW does not affect the pattern for the rest of your baby's childhood.

PerpetualStudent · 29/08/2017 09:13

I was like you with DS, had no plans to co-sleep, but from the get go he had other ideas!
If you make sure thick/loose bedding and pillows are away from them (we swapped from duvet to sheets and a double-sized cotton blanket, and wore warm PJs ourselves!), have a bed guard or 'sidecar' cot so they can't easily fall out, avoid drinking, smoking and drug-taking (as can make you sleep too heavily), and when V little maybe keep them on your side rather than in the middle, especially if your DP is a deep sleeper, then co-sleeping can be done safely.

Honestly it was a life-saver for me - kept him at boob-height all night and he could feed as needed, barely waking me up. We gradually moved to settling him in the bednest next to me when not feeding over the first few months. They've literally been inside us for 9 months - a flat empty cot is no comparison to the warmth and comfort of mum!

crazycatlady5 · 29/08/2017 09:16

I am 7 months in and have bedshared since (almost) day one. Was worried at the beginning but only because of media scaremongering and being made to feel it's not normal. I haven't regretted it and love my baby snuggles - she goes in her cot asleep at night time and I bring her into bed after first night waking. It's really normal for them to want to be so close to you

arnoldbarnacles · 29/08/2017 09:24

I did this too. I tried to prop myself up on pillows so baby could sleep on my chest, but eventually just bed shared. Did it for 9 months. It's very controversial I know but I think if you're breast feeding and don't drink ( both of you - parents I mean!) then it's ok. Have a look at the stuff online about bed sharing to make sure you're doing safely. It really worried me at first so I know how you feel.

FATEdestiny · 29/08/2017 12:52

Was baby of low birth weight (2.5kg or 51/2lbs or less)?

or a premature baby (37 weeks or less)?

Had you or your partner smoke, drunk alcohol or taken drugs?

ChilliMum · 29/08/2017 13:08

No advice I'm afraid. Dd was like that and after a few weeks of dh and I taking turns staying up all night I started co-sleeping and we never looked back.

I think ds would have been fine in a cot but I loved sleeping with Dd so much and the ease of feeding in bed so I co-slept with him as well.

There are plenty of good resources on line and your confidence will grow with practice.

I would recommend a stretchy wrap for the day as well. Dd wouldn't sleep in a cot in the day either so I lost a lot of time walking up and down or just holding her while she slept (tbf I don't regret that time but it did get frustrating). With ds I got a stretchy wrap and he slept in that during the day was an absolute revelation.

TheWeeWitch · 29/08/2017 13:17

Co sleeping has saved my sanity with both babies. Just set yourself up safely and you will be fine. I use a flat, firm quilted blanket under the baby as I find this makes me lie clear of him while I'm asleep. It marks off his space and it means he is on a firmer surface, which is safer. You could also invest in a sleepyhead and put that in the bed with you to make a really safe cozy spot.

Landy10 · 29/08/2017 13:42

So many people find their babies are MUCH happier to be put down in a sleepyhead or Cocoonababy. Could you get one of these?

misscph1973 · 29/08/2017 15:23

I coslept with bot of mine for the first 9 months. Never any problems, and it was so lovely to have them next to me, I think we both needed it. All mums and babies are different, but if you enjoyed having her next to you and she also did, then carry on. I think it's ridiculous that it's controversial. My MIL was rather shocked, but my mum had done the same with me and my sister.

ElizabethShaw · 29/08/2017 15:27

If she is breastfed, only you and her are in the bed, you aren't drinking/smoking/on medication and have followed safe sleep guidelines then the risk is incredibly low.

WorkingBling · 29/08/2017 15:33

I always kept DC above me. I'd scoot down a bit so that my head and pillow where lower and the covers were way below them. And the slept slightly propped up on a special pillow (so that even if they slipped down they wouldn't be suffocated. IT did mean Dh had to sleep elsewhere when this happened. But mostly what would then happen is they'd land up in bed with him later when I was exhausted.

I think co-sleeping gets a bad rep and I truly don't believe anything you do in the first few months is setting your child up for bad habits later. In retrospect my only regret is that I didn't properly and formally co-sleep with DS (we did when needed) as I think he would have learnt to settle much better and we wouldn't still be struggling within now years later.

Incidentally, both DC co-slept when necessary but DD very early and naturally moved to sleep alone. She still prefers it.

Fisherwoman14 · 29/08/2017 19:04

Try not to feel guilty. Baby will love it because you are the safest thing in the world to her - of course she doesn't want to lie in a strange Moses basket all alone! I was advised that in those precious first few weeks (yes, you will look back on these days eventually and wish she still snuggled into you and fell asleep on you because sadly, soon she won't!) Baby shouldn't be any further away from you than the length of the umbilical cord!
I took all pillows and duvet away (moved them to the other side of the bed - hubby often slept in the spare bed) and wore a dressing gown or comfy cardy to keep me warm.
I also had a side by crib thingy and used to virtually put my head into it too so I was breathing onto her head so she could feel me there. Gradually I could move away.
It is so hard those first few weeks. Nothing can prepare you for the tiredness but it WON'T last forever - it will get easier. And sleeping with baby next to you, done correctly and safely, is exactly where she feels happiest and safest and you may get a few winks too. Get hubby to take her out for a walk in the pram during the day so you can get an hour's sleep too!

Gothbaby · 30/08/2017 17:01

You shouldn't feel guilty !! there seems to be a stigma around co sleeping well at least 70% of new mums do it! Xxxx as long as you're doing it safely under a controlled way xxxxx

MoodyOne · 02/09/2017 19:09

I set up my bed each night to safely co sleep (I have DS cot attached to my bed).
He is 7 months old and I have only had one night where he has been in his cot all night. I get to about 2 am and I am far too tired to feed him so I get in position and bring him into bed (and feed lying down) and I drift off x

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