Don't want to do controlled crying

[Peacelover1975]

For the past week or so, 11 month old DS has started to cry as soon as we put him in his cot for naps and bed time.

I hate to hear him cry and think it's cruel to leave him to cry himself to sleep. Hubby strongly disagrees and believes that by lying down on the floor beside his cot until he goes to sleep (turned away from him. Only turn towards him to settle/shushhhhh then turn away again) we're 'making a rod for our own backs' and teaching him that all he has to do is cry to get his own way.

My instinct is telling me that this is a phase he's going through. He's teething and started to pull to stand, climb everything and become much more inquisitive lately. I just feel that he needs a bit of extra reassurance at the moment and that it will pass.

Am I being really naive in thinking this? Will we create a spoilt brat who thinks he can always get his own way? Or are we teaching our son that he can count on us to be there for him when he needs us, while also encouraging him self soothe?

Has anyone tried this gentler approach?
Did it work or did you create a monster?

We have, with twins, and it does work. Cry it out and controlled crying is not the same as letting them snuffle for a few minutes to see if they can settle on their own.

We've done gradual retreat type stuff (after just listening for a few minutes to assess if they do need you) where you do hold them if they're really upset, but you gradually go from holding, to back patting, the being in the room, to leaving for 5 mins and coming back, to leaving until morning. But always going back if they were getting more upset/it went on for more than 5 mins or so.

The point of this is that you're there, and you always come back, so it helps their secure attachment, meaning that they will go to sleep more easily eventually because you've shown them you're always there and always come back.

Sleep in small kids is always unsettled unless you're really lucky anyway, so it could be argued that whatever you do they'll either sleep well or not, for factors beyond your control or related to their development, so you might as well make sure they are secure in their attachment to you.

Our kids now sleep from 7 to 6 with no issues, we didn't create monsters or a rod for our own backs.

We did a variant of CC when DS was 7mo and it did work well. BUT we were both on board. I really don't think it's appropriate if one parent is against it, no matter how much the other parent is for it. I think it would be very difficult for the 'against' parent and could have the potential to lead to resentment.

Controlked crying is a red herring to the actual issue here.

Hubby strongly disagrees...

This ^ is the problem

It wouldn't matter if you were the one wanting to use CC and him gentle parenting, or the other way around. Fact is that these two approaches are very different and indicate completely different parenting ethos'.

Parenting is meant to be team work, singing from the same book, or whatever other soundbyte you might use. The point im making is that for now, I'd just muddle through and make-do. Because the main issue needs some discussion and compromise.

Nothing wrong with CC at this age, or certainly after 12 months. Nothing wrong with a more gentle approach, it also should not take too long to see results at this age (compared to younger babies). But you cant do both. And neither, when parenting, is it helpful to reach an "I am right and you are wrong" stage. You both need to agree on the approach you use.

It really isn't for strangers on the internet to solve this for you and tell you who is right and who is wrong. Both will be right to some people and wrong to other people. You two though, you and DH, you need to agree.

I agree that parents should aim to agree but I don't think one should have to listen to baby cry alone if they can't bear to; that's really harmful. I'm not sure that's the case here but it might be. If it is, op you should stick to your guns. As I've shared on another thread; I've tried three different ways with three different kids. I don't believe those early choices have a massive impact on sleep patterns or toddler behaviours.

Thanks for your replies.
We tried a combination of both approaches and little man's now fast asleep.
Have been in floods of tears this evening not knowing what to do for the best. I guess one ever said being a parent was easy and they were right

Could he be teething or anything? Just if he has always settled without a problem there could be something underlying?

The gentle approach works.

Your baby is 11mo, his brain isn't capable of manipulating his parents. He cries because he needs something (comfort, food, clean nappy etc) and that is the only way he can communicate.

With DD1 we encouraged her to fall asleep in her own bed but we were there to reassure her if needed. We used the Baby Whisperer shush/pat technique (pick up/ put down just pissed her off). Yes it involved lots of time investment over many months but she slept through from 11 months and now still does at 2.5. Yes there are times when she needs more reassurance (e.g. When ill or after DD2 arrived) but we give it to her and in a few days all is back to normal.

Go with your instincts!

I would say it's important to stick to one approach though - the gentle method and CC are incompatible and using both will just confuse your child! So you really need to be on the same page as your DH and go one way or the other. Perhaps offer to start with the gentle approach and reconsider if it doesn't work (though with time it will!)

Thanks Chloechloe.
Was already wobbly on the day I originally posted cos dealing with lots of life stresses, so after trying the gentle approach several times without success, just a screaming baby, i agreed to do cry it out. DS fell asleep after 45 mins but it broke my heart to hear him cry for so long.
He's settled much quicker since, but I still feel awful about it.
Am going to have another chat with hubby about opting for the gentle approach in the future if we have another situation like this.

Follow your instinct.

Did you do CIO with checks? There are many more gentle options other than just leaving baby to cry on his own for 45 mins

Go with your instinct. I tried it and it broke my heart. Maybe he's teething and as PP said, maybe he needs comfort. I know friends who've had success with it, but everything's a phase with babies and I don't believe in trying to fix them just because they're not doing what we expect them to do. Every time I tried to do it with my son because sleep got disrupted, it turned out he was ill or getting teeth. The Gentle Sleep Book by Sarah Ockwell-smith is good.

Couldn't agree more with the above. Also take a look at this if you haven't already.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/sarahockwell-smith.com/2015/05/14/ten-reasons-to-not-sleep-train-your-baby/amp/

Everything is a phase. A really long tiring phase x

Thanks for the link HT. ...very interesting. Yes, we did check on him during the crying session!

Will check out The Gentle Sleep Book. Thanks LittleNoSleep.

I think the lesson that I've learned from this is definitely to trust my instincts.
I panic if DS won't settle/wakes up crying and convince myself that i won't be able to settle him and that he'll carry on crying forever (irrational, i know) Am going to try to relax a bit, remind myself that everything is a phase and have a chat with hubby to see if we can agree on this particular issue x

Sound of your baby crying is biologically designed to provoke a reaction from you, isn't it! I must admit I found CC very very hard but it was the only thing that worked really.

I would give anything to cuddle him to sleep now, of course! ☺️I've tried, he's not having a bar of it.

I did gradual withdrawal with ds when he was 12 months old. Worked brilliantly. No crying.