Why is every sleep time a nightmare?

[singingpinkmonkey]

I am actually losing the plot and it's scaring me.

I have an almost 7 month old son and I am so tired of fighting him when it comes to sleep. Nap times are the worst but getting him down for the night is just as bad with lots of tears every time.

We have always struggled with naps but 7 months down the line I just feel like an utter failure and that I'm not good at being his mum at all.

I've nearly lost my temper just now but have put him down in his jumperoo and have come to the loo for a little cry.

It seems that no matter what time I put him down to nap, he fights it like mad and then only sleeps for 30 mins at al time. All my day is spent thinking about naps, trying to get him to sleep and planning the next nap. It's exhausting and I can't see the wood for the trees.

I have tried putting him down after 1 hour, 2 hour, 2.5 hour and 3 hour awake times and nothing works. He screams and cries even with me holding him until he is that tired he drops off.

I am so jealous of babies that seem to drift of peacefully or have 30+ naps.

I feel so bad for saying this but I am longing to return to work just so I can have a break from trying to get my son asleep.

I love him, I really do but I hate being a mum if I'm totally honest. I dread each day as I feel so overwhelmed by it all.

I don't know what I'm asking for on here, just to vent I suppose and ask does this ever get any better?

My HV suggested controlled crying last week and I tried it once but felt so guilty and I don't think it would work anyway.

Hi mama, sounds like you're having a really rough time.

If you don't mind me asking why are you fighting it so much? Is it that you are keen to have a specific schedule that isn't working out? How does he usually go to sleep? Feed to sleep/bottle/dummy?

You say he falls asleep in your arms so there's obviously no problem with him falling asleep just perhaps not how/when you want him to? What if you just followed his cues rather than worried about the timings?

If he feeds to sleep, could you feed him lying down and then sneak away when he is asleep - or similarly with a bottle - dark room white noise and cuddle on the bed?

Sorry for the barrage of questions just hoping to get to the bottom of what you want to achieve.

Hugs xx

Just as an example, my daughter is 6.5 months and doesn't work well with a routine and never has (neither to I incidentally). When she looks tired I lay her down on my bed in the dark with loud white noise and feed her to sleep then sneak off. It might not be the ideal 'put in cot sat night night and walk out' scenario that some mum's have but this is what works for us and that is ok. Perhaps you're comparing your situation to others? I find when I do that it can go into dangerous territory x

*say night night

Back in the day, DD1 was not much of a sleeper. She had not read the books about how to tank up on milk and then doze off peacefully in her cot. However, she did enjoy sleeping in her pram so we took lots of walks which resulted in naps for her. For overnight sleeping, once she was not feeding at night, I had to resort to letting her cry a short while (5-10min).
DD2 was a much better sleeper but still sometimes needed to fuss a little before dropping off to sleep.

Hi @HT85

Thank you for your lovely message.

You ask very good questions. I don't know why I'm fighting it so much. I think it's because in everything I've read it says a baby should get x amount of hours sleep. When my son isn't getting that I panic and think I'm failing.

He sometimes falls asleep on the bottle but won't take a dummy so don't have that tool in my arsenal.

Normally I play some white noise/ sleep music and cuddle up to him and let him cry a little until he goes to sleep. The only way of getting him to sleep without crying is to take him out in the car. This isn't always practical though as I would constantly be driving around.

I had hoped that as he got older he would get used to the idea of falling asleep but he still fights.

I'm not going to blame my feeling rubbish entirely all on the nap situation as I'm down in general but I just wish I had this more handled.

Is it normal for a baby to cry even when mum is cuddling him to sleep?? I jut don't get it.

He is capable of sleeping well as once we have him asleep in his cot on an evening he will stay there without any disturbance until the morning. Why are daytime naps such a different story?

I dread having to go out anywhere as I feel trapped by monitoring awake times and catching him before he's overtired. My social confidence has decreased rapidly and I just feel a bit empty. I know this sounds dramatic but everyday I feel worse.

X

Gosh it sounds like a bad time for you at the moment. Do you have much support in terms of family or friends nearby? What about your partner? Do you tend to get much time to yourself even just to go for a walk or have a long bath?

Is it possible you could be suffering from PND at all do you think? Is there someone you can talk to about this?

If he is crying while you're holding him don't worry about that, he is being comforted. Is he possibly teething at the moment which could be causing the crying?

Would he go to sleep if you rocked him perhaps in a chair or similar? I know many people don't think this is ideal but some babies are just needier than others and need a little more parental input in the very early days. I am not a fan of sleep training anyway but for people who are, some find that it doesn't actually work for their baby because baby doesn't have the right personality for it.

It's brilliant that he sleeps well once he is asleep 👍🏻 as I said I don't really have a routine but I loosely recognise when tiredness will happen each evening, do you have a routine in place such as bath/book/bottle/bed - wondering if you could adjust the timing of this?

I find this post very helpful and you might find some tips - www.google.co.uk/amp/s/sarahockwell-smith.com/2014/10/12/the-gentle-sleep-book-7-12-month-old-baby-sleep-qas/amp/

It sounds like his night time sleep is great and 30 minute naps aren't unusual for that age. How much sleep does he get overnight?

I'd be tempted to not worry about day time naps - it's only ever first or second babies that are forced into cots during the day.
Take him out for a walk in his buggy, drive him somewhere and chances are he'll fall asleep. Mine used to fall asleep in their lunch sometimes.

If you're needing a sleep stick him in beside you and nap together.

everything I've read it says a baby should get x amount of hours sleep

Is he actually tired on the amount of sleep he is getting?

The most obvious signs of being tired being grumpy and clingy. If you've got a smiley baby, happy to play and crawl around on the floor and whatnot - then you don't have a tired child.

OP, I feel for you. My DS was always grumpy at sleep time from a young age. I used to hate bedtimes, they took ages with him crying and struggling and I just felt so down every evening. He is now 15 months and only in the last 2 weeks it has gotten a bit better because something seems to have clicked in his brain regarding the bedtime routine. Daytime naps were tricky too, but we use a sling when we have to which helps.

Op my first son has never slept the recommended amount for his age. I put myself through the wringer with his naps. He has never just fallen to sleep for a nap, always bf to sleep, held, sling, pram, car etc. I really tried hard to Crack the cot nap later on but it was so hit and miss, and he was getting older, that I just gave up really. He's just 2 now, and naps for 40 minutes most days, up to 1.5 hrs every so often. Mostly in the car. Sleeps 10 hrs per night, so still well under the suggested amount.

But, he's happy, not tired and grumpy.

Will your son sleep in the pram? Have you tried just going for a walk with him, or bringing the pram in and pushing UT back and forth? These things worked for my son at that age.

It's tough, I know. This time, with Ds2 I am determined not to get hung up on it. Some babies are just easier nappers.

You poor thing, it sounds like you're finding it really tough right now

I went through something very similar and resorted to using a sleep consultant when mine was 5.5 months. She refused to nap at all from around 3 months (and daytime sleep was a struggle before then too). The way the car works for you, I could just about get her to sleep in the pram but I would walk for hours for her to sleep for just 30 minutes. It came to a head when an injury meant I couldn't keep up the daily 2-3 hour walks with the pushchair and I felt like a complete failure and was absolutely petrified at what the impact such little sleep was having on her development too. She didn't show the classic signs of tiredness (eye rubbing etc) but was super clingy and grumpy when overtired so clearly needed the sleep, only by then it was even harder to get her to sleep. I tried to follow her signs, I tried putting her down at fixed intervals (attempting multiple different intervals just like you have) and all resulted in failure so you are not alone in what you are experiencing. All my friends speak longingly about the easiness of the phase when they were under 4 months and slept all day so they got so much rest themselves - I certainly didn't get any of that.

Do you want to follow a routine? How much input do you want in putting him to sleep? For me personally, the best thing about using a sleep consultant was following a set of instructions that were tailored to my parenting style. We discussed the outcome everyday and she advised me where to make changes. I followed the instructions to the letter for 2-3 months, then I felt confident to make a few small changes so her routine also suited our lifestyle a little too. We still experience times where she needs more help from me in getting to sleep and I am certain she would resist sleep if I gave her the opportunity but she has learnt that when I put her down, she has to sleep and staying up all day is not an option.

My advice would be to be consistent in however you choose to put him to sleep for naps. We have a little nap time ritual which we follow for every nap so she knows what is coming. After that, she has to go to sleep. She does occasionally protest - if it is with tears, I stay with her and soothe her but sleeping is non-negotiable no matter what. Once she realised that it was non-negotiable, she now always goes to sleep, sometimes I soothe her, other times I can leave the room and she will put herself to sleep.

It will get better but I have every sympathy for how hard it is for you right now.

Op please don't worry too much about ds not sleeping in the day and don't feel guilty at looking forward to returning to work. Do you have the option of doing that sooner than planned? I returned to work at 6 months and I always fed to sleep so dh had to walk ds in the buggy to get him to sleep which he only did once per day, late morning, when ds was good and tired. He was then very ready for his night time sleep at 7pm. My three have none of them been good nappers and each stopped sleeping in the day well before 2 years.