Spending 2 hours a day shushing and patting..

[Littleguggi]

Yes that's it really..I am spending a total of around 2 hours a day shushing and patting my 11 month old daughter to sleep (and that's NOT including the numerous times I go to resettle her during the night which also involves shushing and patting)!

Am I doing something wrong?

So this is how it goes for her two naps- I put her in her cot whilst she is still awake, tell her its 'night night time' and then pat her back/ side for around 10 minutes. If she is still awake, which is 99% of the time, I leave the room (for my own sanity and because it hurts my back to be bending over her cot). At this point she starts to cry. I leave 5 minutes before returning to her and repeating the process all over again. It can take up to 40 minutes for her to go from awake to sleep.

For bedtime, we do wind down (book, bath on 3 days out of 7, pj's massage) and then I feed her (breastfeed). After a full feed, I put her in her cot whilst she is usually still awake, tell her its 'night night time', pat her for 10 minutes before leaving the room, and returning again after 5..repeating this until she is asleep. Like her naps, it can take up to 40 minutes from the time I put her into her cot until she is asleep.

Why is it taking me so long to get her to sleep? Perhaps I'm not letting her get tired enough before putting her in her cot? But if she had it her way she would never sleep! I roughly follow the 2-3-4 routine.

Anyone help?

*when I leave the room she cries but the minute I return she stops crying which tells me she needs me to help her to sleep.

Also when I put her in her cot for naps and bedtime, I know she is tired because she lays there still, staring into space with heavy looking eyes. So it's not like I'm trying to put her down when she's wide awake! It's like she doesn't know how to fall asleep!!

...Or stay asleep for that matter as she's still up at least every 3 hours in the night!

Does she have a comforter or cuddly toys to sleep with? Can you try just sitting next to the cot instead of bending over to shh-pat?

I breastfeed mine to sleep and she's out like a light in 2 minutes flat. I'm a fan of taking the path of least resistance. With my first DD I too worried that she would never learn to get to sleep without me, but I took the leap of faith that it would happen on its own and it did, and while I was waiting I enjoyed every second of feeding or cuddling her to sleep.

Will she sleep in the pushchair more easily? It's not compulsory to have naps in the cot and if you're going through this rigmarole everyday it sounds like it's not working.

I had this until my mum taught me that I was interfering with my lo's sleep by being there and getting in the way. When I left them be, by themselves to go to sleep suddenly everything got better. What was I thinking, I didn't need to be involved. Go out and close the door and let her sleep. You're shushing and patting for you, not her.

Have you considered gradual withdrawal? So instead of leaving the room each time and her crying (and rousing herself in the process) you would (or I would) do your shush pat for 10 minutes then just sit there til she sleeps. Gradually reduce the amount of shish pat til you don't do it at all but just sit there. Once she goes to sleep OK like this, sit away from the cot a bit, and gradually work your way towards the door. I did this when Ds1 was 12 months old, I did it very gradually, it took about two months until I could put him in the cot and leave. He was awake, but was happy to go to sleep on his own. No crying, if he got upset o went back a stage.

Why is it taking me so long to get her to sleep?

Because you are both staying, and leaving. It's a confusing settling method you are using.

Either stay, comfort her and stay until she is asleep. Then gradually reducing the amount of comfort needed.

Or don't comfort her and leave, returning at intervals. Controlled Crying involves no extended comforting like you are doing.

You are simultaneously doing neither and both.

TooMinty she's had the same comforter in her cot from day one but never seems interested in it. I guess its around the 12 month mark they start to attach to other things so will have to see.

Cavort that's exactly what I was doing until it stopped working at around 9-10 months. I found that after a feed she would still be wide awake. Now she's only breastfed in the morning, after her afternoon nap and at bedtime..before she was feeding 3 hourly in the day and 4-5 times a night which I know were comfort feeds but didn't mind at the time!

PotteringAlong she rarely sleeps in her cot. Looking around her and the world is far more interesting to her! I find days out often result in no naps and then she becomes over tired and is even more unsettled at night :(

lakehouse I like the sound of that..in reality that would mean lots and lots of crying which I can't bear! I might take TooMinty's suggestion of sitting next to the cot which seems like a bit more of an in-between approach but I know that would still lead to her crying!

Try sitting on the floor (it saves your back) with an arm through, patting. You can then either leave if dd is asleep, or attempt to commando crawl (as I did!) if she's a bit more alert.

Nottalotta thank you, that makes sense. Its just the sitting there until she falls asleep that worries me. That could be hours right?!!

FATEdestiny I didn't realise I was confusing her but thinking about it now I see exactly what you mean! Lightbulb moment!! Thank you, I will definitely be rethinking my approach!

mineofuselessinformation thanks. I sometimes sit on a bouncy ball with an arm through, but got my arm stuck the other day (LOL) so don't think I'll be doing that again! 😂

Get a snooze shade for daytime naps in the pram, great for nosey inquisitive nap resisters.
And try handing the comforter to her and telling her to cuddle up with it, they start to understand quite a lot even before they can speak much themselves so the idea might take hold. She might even be old enough to choose a new bedtime toy herself?

I just cuddle 16mo ds2 to sleep and transfer him to his cot. Did this with ds1 and breastfed him to sleep. He now climbs in his bed after a story and goes to sleep. I sit with him til he is asleep takes about 5mins. 3.4yo. Ds2 i stroke his back while he drifts off next to me, or sometimes he's a bit more awake and messes about but i keep laying him back down. When he's tired he just rolls over and goes to sleep and i pop him in his cot. Both boys just cry until they vomit if I try cc.

I did this - patfuckingshoosh - with DC1 and nearly lost my sanity!

DC2 coslept and I cuddled or fed her to sleep every time.

littleguggi I started it when ds stopped feeding to sleep. Up til then all nighttime were bf to sleep, and not one cot nap had occurred. So no self settling at all.

First night took 75 minutes until he was properly asleep.. I shush patted sang whatever to prevent crying. I'm a wimp about crying. Next night 60, after a couple of weeks, 30. After 2 months it was still taking 20 minutes, but I was no longer having to stay with him. He's 2 now and we revisted it after Ds2 was born and my husband totally screwed Ds1 bedtime up. We are back to putting him in the cot, mobile on and I leave.

It can take a long time but it's worth the effort imo. And your daughter is already ahead as she's used to falling to sleep in the cot.

Agree with FATEdestiny it's a confusing method if you leave while she's still awake. I wouldn't pay and shh unless she's actually crying. I started to leave my little one at this age to settle herself, she has a sqwark sometimes for a few mins but she's absolutely fine. She's 13 months now and it's so much easier since I decided to stop waiting for her to go to sleep! IMO only little babies need that kind of treatment, from around 9 months you can start to allow a bit of self settling. Think about it from an outsiders view, it's really up to you how long you stay in her room but it's not necessary

I cuddle to sleep at night and a push in the buggy during the day. People told me not to with ds1 we went through loads of periods of me deciding it was enough and trying to sleep train until I decided it wasn't worth the hassle and cuddled him to sleep then co slept he slept all night in his own bed every night at 2.

Ds2 I cuddled n used the buggg bottle and dummy without worrying about that rod for my own back and he's actually a much better sleeper and i'm much happier.

I kind of feel babies are not wired to be alone they need touch and warmth I really embraced that with ds2 and it's been a much nicer journey so far. Funnily ds1 was a clingier baby and is still very clingy at 5 ds2 is much more secure being away from me.

Oh I also like to make naps and night time sleeps different so naps light tv on in the livingroom in the buggy bedtime dark quiet and in the bedroom/cot. I read it somewhere and it's worked.

As Loopytiles I did this with DC1 and it was not a good experience. Dc2 &3 were both bf/cuddled to sleep and/or coslept, it was much easier and happier all round. Also with dc3 lots of naps were in the buggy/car as we were collecting other dc or other commitments, she just had to fit around everything else and fwiw she's the most easygoing of the 3. Wish I'd never tried to follow any methods etc read with dc1, it didn't do either if us by good.

My 8 mo needs no sh pats at all and sleeps really well in my bed next to me and DH. Could you cosleep to have more sanity?

Thank you everyone for your replies.

This morning I stayed with her whilst she fell asleep. Instead of standing over her patting, I sat next to her cot and patted her periodically whenever she stirred. It took a total of 23 minutes to fall asleep.

This afternoon however she fought her nap..I thought life's to short to be worrying about naps so let it be. She'd been awake since 12.30-6.30pm ish before getting tired so I put her to bed early. Already she's been up 5 times so I'm guessing her missed afternoon nap has led to overtiredness, that with a combination of teething as she's been waking up crying as though she's in pain each time.

Buthewasstillhungry we coslept from 4-7 months but it didn't make any difference to her sleep and I was more tired as she was wanting to continually feed! She does come in our bed around 6am every morning though!

That sounds like a little progress.
One thing that helped me (it was a long time ago, admittedly, but from a very experienced and sensible health visitor), was to take dc1 out and basically keep them going for at least two to three hours, to try to extend the time between naps and ensuring a good sleep. It really did help.

No words of wisdom as we're going through exact same with almost 10mo DD.

Tonight was a little better than last night. But on Sat, Sun, Mon and Tues we put her down at 7:30pm and couldn't leave the room (without wailing) until about 10pm.

She's also been waking a gazillion times a night for a week or so.

Hold tight, It'll pass.