Help supporting wife

8 replies

Barney1917 · 06/08/2017 01:20

Our son is 8 months old and doesn't sleep for more than 2 1/2 hours at a time. From 8pm to 12/1am we struggle to get him to sleep, when we do it's through the wife feeding him to sleep. During that there is nothing I can seem to do, when I take him he just shrieks until I have to hand him back, this and just his general inability to fall asleep without screaming causing my wife to get very angry and frustrated, resulting in a very tense and frustrating evening. It's been like this for the last month and 1/2. I can't seem to support her during these times which makes the whole thing very frustrating, I was wondering if there were any fathers who have gone through this and how they managed it? Did they just have to weight through?

OP posts:

HollySykes · 06/08/2017 01:24

You have to hand him back? Who does she get to hand him too?

SerfTerf · 06/08/2017 01:24

Expressing so you can give a bottle?

calmanban · 06/08/2017 01:55

there's not much you can do except maybe make sure she gets a sleep in the morning. my ds is every two hours all night at the min. I can't express and ds won't take a bottle of formula. I agree with handing back...ds only wants me and just gets distressed.

my lovely husband gets up at the crack of dawn and I get a few more hours whilst he gives breakfast and first nap. you sound caring and this is what your wife needs. it'll pass eventually as well.

FATEdestiny · 06/08/2017 08:54

Firstly Barney1917, figure out together if of feeding to sleep is what she wants to do. If she doesn't, and she's like to establish a different way to settle baby then there's lots you can do. Sleep training off the breast is best done by Dad, because no chance of breastfeed then. So you would need to take over all of the night setyling for a while.

If she wants to carry on, things you could do to help:

give her a complete break when you get home from work. Take baby and also do all household chores for a couple of hours. Let her go and lie down in bed or have a shower. Or get out the house on her own.

cook the evening meal for you both. Tidy kitchen and wash up.

Do laundry, ironing, put clothes away.

tidy living area and toys up.

make her cypa of tea or whatever.

if she's feeling frustrated and cross, go and lie with her while she's feeding baby. While she's doing it all, I'm certain she will value your support and cuddles.

make the bed cosleeping friendly, so she can keep baby next to her to feed and sleep.

RumpledStiltskin · 06/08/2017 09:26

I second what Fate said. There may not be much you can do in terms of helping him get to sleep, but if you take that opportunity to get other stuff done you're going to make the overall situation a lot better!

HT85 · 06/08/2017 11:16

My daughter is 6 months and my husband feels the same. Please don't worry, it's totally normal for a breastfed baby to rely on mama for these times. Doesn't mean baby won't rely on you for other things, daddy does all baths for example and other bits and bobs. He feels he is being 'useless' but that is not the case at all. As for the 'who does she get to hand him to' comment, it's obviously not that simple. If baby is crying for boob then obviously dad is going to hand baby back. Is your wife happy to feed to sleep? If so, it won't be forever x

EnthusiasticEdna · 06/08/2017 14:57

Great advice from Fate and ht85 there. If your wife wants to continue feeding to sleep she could do with learning to nap in the day and evening when baby sleeps or you're doing the baby care and housework. Co sleeping can help both in the day and at night.

Writerwannabe83 · 06/08/2017 21:26

Sounds like exactly the same nightmare I went through with DS.

Ways my husband supported me:

He went and slept in the spare room every night to allow me to co-sleep with DS.

When he came home from work he would take DS, make me a cup of tea and order me upstairs for an hour so I could have a breather. During that hour he'd cook dinner for us too.

I'd fallen into the trap of feeding to sleep because I was desperate, I was exhausted and I didn't know what else to do, but he never made any comments that would infer our awful situation was somehow my fault. He probably thought it, as did I, but he kept quiet and offered support instead of saying any negative.

When I finally decided I couldn't cope anymore he sat up with me for many nights whilst we sleep trained and went through the emotional toll with me and kept me propped up if I felt my resolve weakening.

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