9mo can't sleep: losing will to live

[Schwanengesang]

DS has been a terrible sleeper since 2mo. Wakes every 45 min all night on a good night; a medium night is wakes every 45 min to 11, is awake to 3, cluster feed rest of night; a bad night is wakes every few min all night, will only sleep on me, is hysterical if put into cot at all, awake or asleep; will cluster feed & be hysterical if boob removed, 12-7am.

We had a little success round 7-8 mo in getting him to not want to feed every time he woke. A week or two ago we had a few nights where he would go to sleep & stay more or less asleep being patted through the transition between sleep cycles.

But in the past week it's gone completely to pot & am now into 4th really bad night in a row where he will only sleep on me and anything else results in hysterical screaming.

I am at the end of my ability to cope. We have been trying to out him down drowsy but awake, not feed to sleep, not feed through the night, etc, for MONTHS. I have no support other than DH who works 100 hour weeks, so can't take DS at night. HV is useless. GP says nothing they can do.

I can't do this much longer.

I have no real advice as I have given up fighting her.

DD is 10.5 months and wakes multiple times a night wanting bf. Like you we previously had some success resettling without it, but every time she gets a tooth/sniffle/etc. it's two steps back.

I've attached the cot to the bed, and I slide her into it when she unlatches, which is working well at the moment (last week she was having none of it and had to sleep physically touching me, which generally means I don't sleep). I'm also getting better at dozing while she's latched on.

She probably wakes every 45 mins to 1 hour between 1am and 6am on average, some nights are worse than others.

I find that just letting her roll over and wake me to latch disturbs me less than if she wakes fully and cries, or if I have to get up, so I'm getting more rest than when I attempt to discourage the feeds. Sometimes she just reaches out to check in there and then drifts back off without feeding.

💐 I hope you find what works for you

Taking this most recent thread within the context of your previous threads, I think that you will end up cosleeping with your baby long term.

In your position and with your parenting style I would just stop fighting this and find a way to make cosleeping with free boon access work so that you all get the most possible sleep.

The ideal answer for this would mean getting rid of your bed base and putting the mattress directly on the floor (for safety as child gets more mobile). If room add in a cot with one side removed, mattress in lowest setting to match the floor bed.

You only have 3 months to need to worry about bedding for baby, once 12 months baby can sleep with you, under your bedding. Until then keep your duvet and pillow away from baby, maybe by wrapping it around yourself.

Don't sleep in a pyjama top, very soon baby should learn to find and latch onto your breast without any help, or only needing you to semi consciously roll over. Therefore maximising your and baby's sleep.

Your DH needs to decide what will hapoen long term with his sleep, realising this co sleeping setup may be a way of life for another couple of years at least. No reason he can't share with you and baby, there should be much fewer battles to get baby sleeping. Otherwise move into a bed in the nursery or spare room? He needs to have realistic expectations that this isn't temporary though.

Cosleeping will be your answer, I think. Your threads all read like you like the idea of baby led attachment parenting, but want the outcome of an independant sleeper. It just doesn't work like that.

Many of those things that your family suggested and you do vehemently rebuffed as outdated, these were some of the methods of encouraging baby to independantly (not fed throughout the night, taught to sleep in the cot from a young age, given a dummy early, not fed to sleep, not cuddles or rocked to sleep). Evidently your heart is not in those kinds of methods. And many are to late to impliment now without a lot of distress. So maybe just go with your heart? I think you'll end up cosleeping anyway, and wonder why you didn't just go straight for this 9 months ago. So maybe just do that, instead of battling to be something you are not.

Thanks both.

Bizarrely to ight we are back to patting to sleep and getting from one sleep cycle to the next with no help.

He was utterly knackered as our baby group takes out his midday nap every week and he had had only a 10 min catnap all day.

It's not reflux is it? Cluster feeding, needing to be upright on you.

He's sleeping really well tonight & last night. Just needing pats in cot each hour. So well that I now have a blocked duct...

Still sleeping well, bit of a feed then into the cot awake; asleep in a few minutes with patting. So no need for me to turn into one of those dependence-promoting attachment parents just yet... More seriously, I never intended to make it this hard for him or myself, and certainly never intended to be an attachment parent. Advice here from midwives is breastfeed on demand at all costs, and that baby will find a schedule of their own for sleep by a few months so don't push them into a schedule. This obviously lacks a bit in advice (and midwives stop seeing you 6wks pp and HVs have little to say on sleep), and we had the added issue of CMPA and other allergies meaning he had bad bloody diarrhoea pretty much constantly for the first 6mo so was unsettled and hungry all the time. Paed advice here is that breastfeeding benefits outweigh temporary young-baby CMPA so mother should continue to breastfeed on demand and not have a restricted diet- despite the misery. Thus while I'd have done gradual withdrawal from birth if I had known about it, I very much doubt it would have worked early on, because basically nothing worked as his gut was so sore and whooshy. I was also restricting my diet to try to make him more comfortable, and losing weight so rapidly that feeding on demand was only just working, so feeding less frequently may have stopped my supply altogether.

Aasasnnnd... it's all gone to pot again the last few nights. No idea why. Nothing works except him sleeping on my chest with me upright.

I think I would do whatever you need to do to get sleep. We have a bad sleeper, it's shit but ultimately short of hardcore sleep training (which I don't think I'm cut out for) I don't think there's much I can do to improve it.

We have our mattress on the floor with cot with one side removed up against it. Ds sleeps in the cot area in between wake ups so at least I sleep better in between. Not having to get up also means I get more overall sleep. Will review again in 6 months!

Ds is an early riser (5 is usual) so our arrangement is that I do overnight wake ups and DH gets up with Ds on waking so I can have another hour or two to catch up.

I tied myself in knots for a long time about his sleep but ultimately I've decided just to ride it out, it won't be like this forever. I hope you find a way forward OP, sympathy here, I don't think you can really get it until you've had a non sleeper!