Help me explain why we are not doing CIO, 4 hourly feeds, etc

[Schwanengesang]

First off I know I don't need to justify myself or my parenting to other people. Since before DS was born I have been fending off "helpful" suggestions from elderly aunts (and openly bitchy snide digs, from my mother) and mostly their responses have been gracious and accepting that things have changed since they had kids (except my mother, but she is perfect, always right, and takes even the most mild and polite demurring as a vicious personal attack). I am a bit tired of the questions and so wanted to come up with a standard explanation of things that have more or less changed.

(1) Is the baby on a 4 hour feed routine yet? (asked when DS was 4 days old).

(2) Are you giving him water overnight to teach him to sleep through the night? (DS 4 days old)

(3) Why does breastfeeding matter so much?

(4) Why isn't he in his own room? He won't get any sleep and neither will you.

(5) Why is he in your bed? Noone will get any sleep and you'll roll on him!

(6) Why aren't you giving him a bottle to top him up, he's a big boy and he'll sleep through if you start him on formula and solids (aged 1 month)

(7) Leave him to cry. You're spoiling him and he'll never go to sleep on his own.

(8) You're overfeeding him, breastfeeding through the night. He'll end up obese.

Things to ponder in answer to these include sleep and feed schedules being linked but not the same thing; teaching good sleep habits; expectations of sleep time; influence of calories on sleep; knowledge of the variation of normal behaviour around sleep. Specifically on cry it out sleep training, the arguments against it including the stress stuff and thst it doesn't work well and that sleep training generally doesn't work on young babies. When babies can distinguish day and night, find their own schedule for feeds and naps, link sleep cycles, self-settle a bit, and consolidate sleep into long naps and long stretches at night.

Anyone want to help answer these or have any other related things they keep having to explain to people who had kids 30–50 years ago and don't agree with modern ideas?

Nod and move on.

No matter how you parent your children there are always people with a different opinion to you.

It only gets worse imo!

Smile and nod is the best answer. Consider this:

You think you are parenting your child in the best possible way you can, in the circumstances you are in. You cannot think there is a better way to parent, since surely if there was you would be doing it? So you must consider yourself "right" just as much as you consider everyone else "wrong".

This is true of everyone.

So all of those asking you think they did right, just as think you are doing right. That doesn't make them wrong. Neither does it make you wrong.

It means everyone does they best they can. And the best people can do changes according to circumstances. It doesn't make it wrong.

Most people learn to not even mention things like this to others, it never ends well

All 8 of your points are judgemental to other peoples parenting methods. You have no idea about the circumstances or timing, or even if said person parented that way or just read it somewhere. Yet you are (rightly) pissed off that people judge your parenting style.

See the irony?

Agree with others above. Nod politely, say thanks for your advice, and move on. People are so bloody annoying. Don't get into justifying anything, it just gives them more ammunition for their ludicrous arguments. Your baby, your choices.

Good luck to you, it's tough.... I remember it well. (And tip for the future, just don't tell people your 5 year old still sleeps in your bed, it'll save you a load of earache, I just lie about it now!)

Just agree with everyone and tell them he is sleeping all night then ask if they've heard about next doors affair/milkman's love child/vicars drink drive conviction. They'll soon move on to someone else's business.

Generally agree with ignore but if another mother is doing 3, 6 or 8 then you should (IMO) gently point out guidelines from the department of health.

Guidelines have changed since many older people's day though so weaning at 3 months was once considered normal.

I've been there.
For the most part I don't think people are being judgemental in an "you're going to wear THAT?" Kind of way, often people are just genuinely trying to help. It just doesn't always come off that way.
Smile and nod, if people don't understand your parenting choices because their opinions are different that's okay. Each to their own and all that.
It's only a problem if they are trying to make you do something you don't want to do, rather than just asking you why you aren't.
Although I did once snap and say to my mother "let's pretend you've had your own children and this one is mine so I'll do as I please"
Funnily enough there are endless stories of my nana and grandma trying to do things with us that my mum didn't agree with/hated like making her leave us to cry but she's never drawn a connection between that and what she does.

Fuck them and their outdated opinions. 😡

Also check whether they are allowed to eat or drink more than every 4 hours. Plus whether they'd be happy to be ignored if they were upset and crying....

By my 3rd child my parents/pil had almost stopped asking if they should be feeding that often/ suggesting maybe I should put them down occasionally.

They especially didn't like that mostly I used slings instead of pram with the younger two. It worked for me with the older ones but they missed out on the pram pushing...

But yeah it's easier to ignore if they have very set ideas. My pil adapted less to how we did things so i wasted less energy trying to explain to them. 😏

I think that, when you have successfully raised healthy children using certain methods, it's quite difficult to be told by the younger generation that these methods are all 'wrong' and outdated. So you can either get into a proper conversation about the latest research on immunity (breastfeeding), allergies (early weaning), the impact of cortisone in young babies (CIO) etc etc or, as others say, it's probably simpler just to smile and nod and say it's working well for you and your baby.

Being a new parent or parent of a newborn is so utterly exhausting and if it were easy and there were right ways of doing it that's what we would do. But it isn't and I think people find what ( probably sort of) worked for them and give to you as a sure fire cure to all the ails of have a settled happy baby and not a permanently shagged out parent. It's exactly because it's all such a muddle that some of this comments are seen as judgements because we are a bit insecure in our new role and are bombarded with new information by anyone and everyone when when you're pregnant for the first time you cannot visualise anything past the birth and it's all about the pram! Routine routine is all you hear but really your life becomes about phases - think you have cracked sleeping through the night then it's teething etc etc. Just sleep when you can leave the soul searching til you are less shagged out and tell people to fuck of under your breath whenever you can.

Thanks all. I should've written the original post when less tired & pissed off...

I agree that saying "here is why I am doing x not y" does imply some judgement. So I would always preface it with "fed is best" "babies grow up fine with parents doing their best" kind of comments, but if someone asks about something as a genuine question rather than as an invitation to a fight, then it would be good to have a well-prepared answer. The only thing where I can cite the stats easily is back to sleep & SIDS rate dropping. I would like to have similarly clear answers for other points like the range of normal sleep behaviours, or why feeding on demand means more easily maintained milk supply and better regulation of satiety.

Where someone (my mother) is just spoiling for a fight I generally change the subject - but it can be difficult when simultaneously she is being critical and goady and my father is genuinely interested in the point under discussion. Itvends up looking like I am engaging with her bullshit when I am trying to engage with the genuine snd nonjudgemental interest from my father.

I think it's sad your mum is not looking after her daughter when she has just had her first baby. I thought/ hoped we we lived in a world where women post childbirth were kind to each other ( been there done that - let me get you a drink of water cos you have finally got the baby latched on and you're now thirsty kind of way) Insert here any scenario that is applicable for any age/ situation of the child. Does age really want you to have a horrible time so age can say I told you it was hard. Just look up google make it up if you can be bothered so you reasearch quotes to throw at her. Trouble is she will move on to something else... Try and get to bugger Of and spend time with your dad.

Apologies for typos!

I would just say...

1. "I'm breast-feeding. It's on-demand. Do some research or stay ignorant. Your choice."

2. "He doesn't need water if I'm breast-feeding. Google exists."

3. "Do you really think something artificial can he healthier all-around than the milk my own body produces with the sole purpose of being consumed by the new born that it's created for?"

4. "Ever heard of SIDS? Oh, let me guess, SIDS is just some magical cockwomble theory that everyone else around you is too dumb to see for the tosh it is, right?"

5. Co-sleeping, when done properly, is perfectly safe and great for bonding. Us new mums don't usually sleep deep enough to roll onto babies and not notice, because we're up all night demand-feeding our babies. Perhaps if you co-slept with me, what with your sleeping-pattern being back to normal 1 week after birth, you would have rolled onto me, but..."

6. "The weaning age is 6 months to prevent allergies and possible digestive problems. He just needs more breastmilk. Why do you love formula so much anyway? Did it make your life easier not having to feed on-demand? Sorry I ruined your precious beauty sleep, mother."

7. Stress/cortisol and emotional attachment issues. "Look, if hearing me scream for you as a new born was so easy to ignore, than good for you you cold-hearted bag."

8. "Babies take exactly how much breast-milk they need and are more likely to be obese on your beloved formula, as it stretches their stomach as they need more formula than they would breast-milk for the same amount of nutrients. Do the math, mother dear."

And, finally: "Honestly, I already have one whinging baby to deal with, do you really think I need you harping on about the good old days all the time and undermining my parental ability with out-dated crappy advice with no research behind it?"

www.isisonline.org.uk (infant sleep information source)

Www. Kelly mom.com

I think these both have articles with references and facts/ figures if that helps?

Also maybe Analytical Armadillo and Dr Jack Newman sites.

:)

I am having this battle with my mother and she's a health visitor! Although she is supportive of breastfeeding, she thinks 6 month olds should be sleeping through the night once on solids, contrary to research on normal infant sleep. She also wants me to leave her to "self-settle" and then if she can't (heads up...she can't!) to pat her while she cries herself to sleep. Sorry. But no. I am appalled that the NHS advocates for controlled crying, as there is no good evidence for no harm, but mounting evidence that babies need nighttime touch and feeds for good brain development. And that babies with certain temperaments get very distressed. Yes, there are different parenting methods but the "strict routine, leave to cry" method is not good for breastfeeding, or for most mothers or babies, as per the leading infant sleep researchers. A good summary of those researchers' views is below:

www.bellybelly.com.au/baby-sleep/cry-it-out/

Grayfig I agree with what you are saying.

I think that the social aspect of reporting child sleep habits may be worth considering. If your mother's life is anything like my mother's, childcare is one of the few areas where she would have had any autonomy or agency. People she knew (I hesitate to say her generation - her generation was very varied) didn't discuss problems, they pretended their lives were perfect lest they be judged by the neighbours. This wasn't seen as dishonest - lying to improve the outlook was what you did (my mother and her friends see assertiveness as much much worse than martyrish manipulation and constant low-level lying). So if a child didn't sleep, that was shameful because the child was "bad", but you got on and dealt with it with no help, and pretended the child was sleeping through aged 2 months.

My mother openly says I was dreadful, in front of immediate family, but in front of anyone else says I slept through from the time I came home.

My HV gave a glimmer of this silliness the other day - she wanted to say DS was a great sleeper in his well baby book. I said that was ridiculous, particularly as we had just spent 15 minutes talking sbout how bad his sleep was. HV said "oh but what if he reads his notes? He'll be really ashamed that you thought he was a bad sleeper when all the other kids were sleeping through"

"Is your baby good? / a good sleeper?" etc. drives me nuts, it's putting a value judgement on something that just is. My DD knows that she didn't sleep for long periods as a baby, but it doesn't make her feel like she's a bad person, she knows she was loved and cared for, and although it was exhausting for me I would do the same over again.

A baby / child that gets its needs met and feels secure in the world grows up to be an adult that also feels secure in the world rather than one that is easily alarmed, fearful or anxious. Stressing a baby by not meeting its needs can mean that it grows up with neural pathways in its brain so that he/she remains anxious including as an adult - this is basic attachment theory stuff - it sets the child's emotional development for life. I wish I'd understood more about this when my DD was younger. I fed on demand and co-slept, though XP did not like it (thought she was too "needy" and I'd still be feeding her when she was 10 years old ). My DD didn't sleep well until she was about two and a half because I wasn't going to leave her to cry. Never had any sleep problems after that at all and now she's a typical teenager who I can't get out of bed sometimes!