I am feeling utter shit right now. Please cast your eyes over this and tell me where the hell I am going wrong.
Usual routine:
6.30-7 ish DDs have bath
We then split up: DD2 (12 mo) stays upstairs with DH who gets her ready for bed, gives her milk and then puts her to bed. If necessary he rocks her to sleep.
DD1 (3.5 yrs) comes downstairs with me. We get her into PJs and then either play a few quiet games like doing a puzzle or jump straight into cuddles and stories on the sofa. Sometimes she falls asleep on my lap, other times we go upstairs, she has a drink of warm milk in bed then usually falls asleep ok.
DD1 has always had difficult bedtimes, partly because of behavioural issues caused by partial deafness. She is hearing well now so we have addressed various issues including getting rid of dummy and I have recently weaned her off needing to have me sit with her for an hour while she pisses around trying to fall asleep. The key to avoiding the latter seems to be this 20 mins or so of 1-2-1 time with me, she is calm and happy at the end of it and nods off well.
DD2 will either fall asleep on the bottle or be drowsy enough that she can be put into bed straightaway without waking, or if she cries DH will hold her always in exactly the same way and walk up and down with her till she falls asleep.
SO the problem, when DH is not around, is that we have got ourselves into a bind here haven't we? Because DD1 won't go to bed without her time with me, and DD2 won't go to sleep without being held and rocked in exactly the way DH does it, which I physically can't do. And I can't do both things at once.
Tonight, for example, we had 30 mins or so of quiet play after tea time with some lullaby music playing and dim lighting. Everyone reasonably happy. DD2 looks exhausted so I get her ready for bed, with some interference from DD1, and explain to DD1 she needs to let me feed DD2 in peace so she will go to sleep. I can't leave DD1 alone for long as she does things like climb onto the kitchen worktops to try and get in the cupboards. Feed DD2 milk, she is all sleepy, cuddles, lovely, DD1 then starts making loads of noise so I hurry DD2 upstairs but the moment has passed and she starts crying. I leave her in her cot hoping she might fuss a bit and then nod off.
Go down, get DD1 in PJs, and start pottering about tidying up because there is no point starting nice stories with DD2 crying. Sure enough DD2's crying escalates to shrieking and upset. For some reason the particular pitch and tone of her screaming is like nails on a chalkboard to me, I find it extremely stressful to hear and just want her to stop, so of course go and get her and cuddles some more. As soon as she is picked up she calms down.
Get DD1 upstairs with story books, she is cross and acting up because she is jealous of DD2 being held by me. We all settle on my bed. I try to read stories to DD1 while cuddling DD2. DD2 either wants to play with the book or screams so that DD1 can't hear me. DD1 is getting frustrated and lashes out at DD2. Eventually I put DD2 back in her cot with some books, shut the door and calm down DD1 enough that she nods off.
At this point I give DD2 a little more milk, while in her cot, hoping she will nod off. It all seems good for a while but then she starts crying, I ignore, cries more, I go in and reassure her, she shrieks when I leave, I am afraid of DD1 being woken up so bring DD2 downstairs. Where she still is. I have put toys away so she is not being 'rewarded' by being down here but still it isn't great is it? I tried rocking her in her buggy but she just screamed and fought to get out. I try holding her and she writhes in my arms.
SORRY this is an utter essay. I think typing it out shows me that I need to be able to leave DD2 in her cot sleepy but awake without all this rocking and milk etc etc. Thing is I can do it at naptime but not at bedtime.
I feel so wound up and tense that my muscles ache. I shouted at them both which I am not proud of. I just need 5 mins without them, having been up since 5 on my own with them both I just want 5 mins, that's all.
I have so much respect for parents who do this alone every day.