Why have I suddenly stopped coping?

[Chlandy]

Hi

I've posted a few times on this page and always found it helpful, but waiting this scares me to death so please be honest, but gentle, I'm currently sat on my sons floor sobbing trying to settle him after an hour now. My son is 8 months and is still a nightmare sleeper, always has been beginning to think always will be. My relationship with my partner has been up and down since becoming parents but although it's been hard I've always felt I coped till now. I feel my patience has gone, tonight I lost it and gave my son to my partner and went downstairs said I couldn't do it and I'm a shit mum, only for guilt to eat me 10 mins later and now I'm sat cuddling him and sobbing trying to get him to sleep. I used to have so much patience and understand he's a baby but it seems to have gone, I just want him to sleep. I'm so tired, I have no life past 7pm as once he's in bed we will try watch something and by half 7 the bedtime battle begins. We did used to cosleep and that worked but it's not practical anymore, he wriggles around in bed goes upside down and all 4's so I'm scared of him falling out or suffocating but since going in his own room, he's up 6-7 times a night taking hour plus to settle again. The amount of times I've slept on his floor on his travel cot mattress is endless. I honestly feel like I've failed and I don't know how to fix it. I'm broken and so ashamed that I am no longer able to cope. I hate myself :(

As the mother of another shit sleeper I know the despair you are feeling and I wish I could give you a big hug. You are not failing as a mother, not at all. It's not even the sleep deprivation that gets you down, it's the hours spent rocking, patting, shushing, singing, pleading, stroking etc all for it to begin again an hour or so later. For goodness sake let your partner help - needing to walk away from the situation is not only normal, but actually healthy for your own sanity. Finally, although it seems like it will never happen, it will slowly, eventually, get easier. Be kind to yourself, you're doing fab

I second that @SaneAsABoxOfFrogs

My son is also a bad sleeper. He is almost 8 months now and At similar stage: he went through a short period of good sleep (like a week) and now he is back to being impossible to settle. He has never self settled and while I don't feed him at night any more (eats loads in the day, feel confident he doesn't need it) he still wakes up at least 2-3 times and requires ah hour long rocking to doze off and then he will be up again in an hour (at best). I am shuttered and know exactly how you feel. I often feel like crying out of tiredness and desperation. DH helps keep me sane.

Let your DP help! My DH takes over after 5am so I can get a couple of hours uninterrupted sleep before the day begins

I know it is hard to be positive when you are exhausted and tying to settle baby for the third time at 3am but don't despair, you are not alone... I wish I had some practical advice to help but I am in the same boat

Be kind. Primarily to yourself. Also to your baby and finally you and DH need to be kind to each other.

Being kind to yourself and baby means finding a solution you can both cope with

• if not co sleeping, could you bring the cot into your room?

• could you sleep or rest during the daytime when baby sleeps?

• have you considered seeing your doctor to see if you can be helped with your mood?

• can you feed baby to sleep? Not all the time, but in the day you could feed to sleep lying on living room floor and leave baby there

• stop chasing perfection. Being so determined to avoid a 'rod for your back' tends to be exactly the thing to create loads of rods for your back.

• make sleep easy for baby, but difficult. If baby sleeps better with movement, give movement. If comfort sucking helps, give a dummy or feed to sleep.

• stop the bedtime battles. Just stop. It does not matter in the slightest of your 8 month old sits on your lap while you watch telly all evening. It will help to 'reset' all of your bedtime stresses.

"make sleep easy for baby, not* difficult"

You sound like a very caring parent who has reached the end of her tether (understandably). You absolutely haven't failed. You are exhausted. In saner societies it takes a whole village to raise a child and women aren't expected to do most of it alone. Your DP needs to step up. Completely agree with PP who said just stop the bedtime battles and reset.

In the end, co sleeping worked for best for us through to toddlerhood. But we had to put the double mattress on the floor. Enough room for everyone and no danger of falling out. Not ideal but it maximised sleep so we didn't care at that point.

If co sleeping isn't an option, your DP absolutely needs to be doing half of all nighttime wakings. Good luck OP. This stage really will be over before you know it!

I was in your shoes a year ago and faced many many dark, soul searching nights when I would cry out of frustration and overwhelming exhaustion. My DS is now 20 months and sleeps well, i honestly didn't ever believe it would get better but does and it will for you, some babies just need longer than others and it is sometimes out of our control. My son started sleeping well at 12 months after we did some controlled crying, (I'm not advocating that for you, this isn't advice as I have none really!) Please keep in mind that you are doing such a good job under horrendous circumstances as sleep deprivation affects every aspect of your thinking and mood. Accept help from your husband or family if you can. Your son knows he is loved and won't ever remember you having to walk away for a while if you get overwhelmed or feel like you are so full of rage that you shouldn't hold a baby (That is how I felt at times). You are not alone, you are not doing anything wrong. It WILL get better.

Thank you everyone for your posts, it's so reassuring to know I'm not alone and it's not my fault we're still in this boat 8 months down the line! I do let my OH help, especially as in the beginning he wouldn't help, but it was the guilt that I felt last night that made me want to take over as I needed to tell my son I loved him and cuddle him as pathetic as that may sound! I'd never hurt my son or shout at him, but when I do feel the frustration and my temper going that's when I pass him over and walk away! It is so so hard, especially when my friends (4 friends all with babies same age give or take a few weeks (all younger) have had babies sleeping through in their own rooms since 8 weeks etc! I think I'm going to take your advice and cuddle him on an evening and just get on and watch a film with my partner as we would if he was in bed, I think it'll be good to relax a bit more than put all this pressure on routine and bed time! Thank you all so much

Sending big hugs OP, it's so hard but you sound like you're doing an amazing job. I have posted on here before in despair after speaking with mums whose babies slept through at 8 weeks, and I got so many lovely supportive responses, basically saying don't listen to them, it only causes stress!

What we have found toughest is not knowing what the problem is- having always been a terrible sleeper (we think due to problems caused by a dairy allergy), DS suddenly started sleeping through the night the day after his first birthday. We had no idea what we'd done differently or what had changed, then after 2 weeks of lovely sleep, he's now back to frequent waking, struggling to settle, etc .

I would say please don't put pressure on yourselves, just get him to sleep when and how you can - sometimes DH brings DS downstairs and sleeps on the sofa with DS in the buggy, as he can rock him to sleep, which although not ideal means we all get a bit more sleep. The best advice I heard was 'they don't sleep, and then they do' so just get through it as best you can.

I currently have a thread on here about my 8 month old DSs sleep. I updated it earlier saying that I spent an hour sobbing as my DS cried. You are not the only one and you are not doing a bad job

Things always seem worse at night. Last night I sobbed and pleaded with my DS and it felt like I'd done something so wrong to end up with a baby who doesn't sleep. However, in the cold light of day (with puffy, gritty eyes) I can see a bit clearer. Last week DH and I were talking about how well DS was sleeping. How well he was sleeping in his cot instead of cosleeping. We were able to sit downstairs with a cup of tea and enjoy each others company. This made me realise that actually this is just a phase. He hasn't always been like this and he won't always he like this.

Sorry to ramble but be kind to yourself. I had plans today (final week of maternity leave and can feel work looming) but do you know what? DS and I need to catch up on sleep. He is asleep on my lap, I have a big cup of tea and we might go for a walk later. Or we might just stay like this all day