Any ideas on introducing dad into myth old bedtime?

[StrugglingFirstTimeMum]

We don't have an easy sleeper, and bedtimes have reflected this, with me breastfeeding to sleep since birth. Now our little boy is 6 months, he is starting to resettle a little easier, with just a cuddle and a dummy rather than needing the breast. But only for me! If my husband tries to settle him, he just cries until he gets me.

For context, husband does change, massage, story and then hands over to me to feed to sleep. It's only really recently I've sent him in to get to resettle with the cuddling.

I would love some tips to get my baby to accept being resettled by my husband as well as me. I'm not even sure at the moment whether it should be a gradual retreat, or just leave them to it? Husband gets stressed when the baby cries and it is the easy way out for me to step in.

(But I have a night out planned next week and everyone is getting stressed just thinking about it)

Ah, sorry, stupid autocorrect. Title should be introduce dad into 6mth old bedtime...

It's quite normal for babies to be more settled with a single primary carer for sleep. Usually that is Mum.

The way I think about it is the long term view. I knew I need to do pretty much all of the bedtime settling for the whole of the first year. But then the 'payback' for that is that for the following 10 years, Dad takes over bedtime in its entirety.

(It's not really "payback", story reading and bedtime chats are a lovely time and my DH loves it)

I think you are taking an exceptionally narrow view thinking you need to force the inconsistency that a non-primary carer will bring to bedtimes completely unnecessarily. Unless it's needed (which it is for many parents), then there is no reason to force the issue.

If baby is better with you doing bedtimes (quite normal for this to be the case) then just do bedtimes. Dad can cook the meal, wash the pits or whatever.

He can get his Daddy Time at playtime, meal times and in basic care in the daytime.

I'm sure he'll manage for the odd night you aren't there too. It might be that routines change for that night, maybe the night is very different to normal. But no-one will get hurt. Baby can just catch up on any missed sleep the following day, if needed.

You're over thinking things.

Thanks for your response FATEdestiny it's useful to hear someone else's viewpoint.

To say that I'm "taking an exceptionally narrow view" and "i'm overthinking things" feels a little harsh in response to a polite OP requesting tips to help everyone (me, baby and husband) feel less stressed for the nights that I do go out!

I think at that age, I put the baby to sleep first, then went out. And probably only stayed out for 3 hours max to have a meal and a glass of wine with friends. I think what Fate is trying to say is, don't get stressed trying to fix something that isn't broken? It would be great if your OH could settle baby too but there's no rush and it will probably happen soon enough.

Thanks TooMinty my plan is to get him to sleep before I leave, I'm just hoping that works! I won't be out more than 3 hours but it's tickets for a show so will be on a deadline for that initial bedtime.

It's not unusual for a first time mum to stress over things like this, I did too! I appreciate you might be feeling sensitive on the matter, but there was absolutely no harshness meant in my post. Just that you are over thinking things and that in the bigger, longer term view this is much less important.

All I meant was that you need not worry

If bedtime is better when you do it and ypu dont mind, then the very best answer all-around is for you to do it. For now. It will be better for baby to get that sort of consistancy and as long as you don't mind, Daddy can do other stuff instead.

If becoming unpleasant for you and you don't want to do bedtimes anymore, that's a different matter. But if you don't mind and are happy to settle baby, be safe in the knowledge that Daddy's time will come. He can be reading bedtime stories and brushing teeth for the next decade!

For your nights out or occassional times you don't want to do it or can't, the key is to not expect the night to be a carbon-copy of whst you do on those nights.

I agree with pp that putting baby to bed before you go out is ideal. But then past that, or if you can't, Daddy just needs to do the best he can. That might mean hom cosleeping to reassure baby. It might mean a later night for baby. It might mean a disturbed night and maybe bottle feeds for reassurance. Point is, he should be able to manage on the occassional night. So would grandparents if you and DH want a night out together.

It may not be a perfect night for baby when you are not there, but there is no reason to disturb normal nights that work more easily when you do them, for no reason.

Thanks FATEdestiny I appreciate it! And you're right, I probably am stressing about bedtimes more than I should, particularly hearing about friends who share bedtime with their partner. I don't mind doing it at all, it's all related to this one night out (booked when pregnant, naively thinking that bedtime would be easy by 6mths). It's the thought of our boy getting distressed, and my husband panicing.

My husband is feeling very nervous so I wondered whether there were any practice steps we could take ahead of the night itself. But they will manage, because they have to.

We do have a backup plan as we know that our baby will sleep in the buggy if nothing else works, then I can resettle in bed when I get home, which won't be too late.

Thanks again.

My daughter was the same! Only wanted me for everything until about 6 months. By then I was dead on my feet, we just bit the bullet and I made dad do the whole bed time routine, every evening! I was just fed up, she cried for about 3-4 evenings until she realised mum wasn't doing it anymore and she finally stopped, grumbled a bit and she finally started to get into the routine! You'll get there I promise, even if it means you go out and do some shopping and go for a walk.
Dad needs to be brace and not get stressed and just get on with it like us mums do. Xx

My husband is feeling very nervous so I wondered whether there were any practice steps we could take ahead of the night itself.

I assume he already knows the kinds of things you do at bedtime. Talk him through all the different things you try, if he doesn't already know.

You're possibly setting him up to fail if you expect bedtime to be exactly the same as when you do it. Baby is likely to be less settled so he is going to need to do more than you do at bedtime.

So maybe that will mean letting baby nap downstairs with him through the evening?

Maybe you manage to get him to sleep as normal and then if he wakes and DH cant settle that then baby comes and sits on the sofa watching telly with Daddy.

Or maybe Daddy will go to bed and cuddle up with baby if he wakes.

Maybe rocking to sleep will work. Maybe a late night pushchair walk. Or a car journey.

Maybe... maybe, you put baby to sleep before you go and baby doesn't wake again (we can but hope!)

For that one night, he just needs to try to not get worried or stressed (because baby will sense that) and just go with the flow and get through without letting baby get distressed. So that means not perserrverring with something that isn't working, as a one-off.

If you actually want to stop being responsible for bedtime generally then my advise would be very different. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't get that impression from the opening post.

My daughter did this, only wanted me and screamed if any one else tried it. Best thing to do is leave Dad to it, if you go in and they see you or you break the cycle they know if they scream loud enough the milk maker will come. Have a bath, hide in garden anything just leave them to it. After a few days hopefully baby will realise mum doesn't always come when they scream x

I wouldn’t push this and let it happen naturally, my husband has only just managed to do bedtime with our little one and she is 13 months, he has to rock her to sleep in the sling and then transfer. As FATE says often babies are programmed to go to sleep for just one parent initially apparently they go through a phase of only wanting daddy which I can’t wait for haha