Getting 11 month old sleeping in his cot

[8DaysAWeek]

My almost 11 month old has never slept in his cot.
He slept in his sleepyhead in his Snuzpod on occasion until he was about 3 months old and since then it's been bed sharing every night, and every day time nap when we're not out. He will sometimes sleep in the car or pram if he's exceptionally tired.

At nursery they rock him to sleep in a chair and then he sleeps on a mat on the floor. Witchcraft if you ask me.

DH can only get him to sleep in the Connecta (carrier).

I breastfeed him to sleep lying down for every nap and at night.

It can't go on. I've got stuff to do during the day and I'd like to come home on occasion after going to the gym or seeing my friends and DS be in bed asleep. Going to bed at 8pm is wearing thin and quite frankly my relationship with DH is strained because we haven't spend a single minute to ourselves since DS arrived.

At the weekend I spent the first night away from him ever (for a hen do) and DH slept a whole 15 minutes because DS only slept in the carrier when DH was standing

I've read all about why DS will only sleep with me and that I need to find him an alternative comfort etc but I really need practical tips on how to do this.

He's sleeping next to me right now. If I was to pick him up and put him in his cot (which is up against the bed) he'd wake instantly and scream bloody murder.

Side-car-ing the cot does not work! He knows it's not the same!

Please help!

He's sleeping next to me right now. If I was to pick him up and put him in his cot (which is up against the bed) he'd wake instantly and scream bloody murder.

Side-car-ing the cot does not work! He knows it's not the same!

You could initially do with stopping, taking a step back and readjusting your expectations.

What do you mean by looking for something that "works"? There is no magic wand here. Nothing you could do to get baby sleeping independantly in the cot is going to be easy, stress-free and crying free (assuming your like it to be happening before baby is 3 or 4 years old).

Does that mean that nothing is going to work? It's going to be difficult, yes. And maybe your parenting style is such that putting your child in a situation where they cry, even for the greater good, is unacceptable. If this is the case then nothing is going to work. Your best option is to embrace co sleeping and find a way to make it work better for everyone.

On the other hand, if you see that any change to independant sleep will be difficult, involve upset and crying - then readjust your view on if something works, or not.

The sidecar cot for example (may or may not be helpful in your situation, I'm just using it as an example) - baby is not going to easily take to it, no problem at all. No-one has that kind of magic wand. That doesn't mean it doesn't work - but it may be the lesser of two evils. Maybe the screaming will be less if baby is going to sleep from awake in a cot with you lying next to baby and cuddling close, compared to going to sleep from awake in a stand-alone cot with you stood over them, not offering a cuddle?

Putting baby down in a cot when already asleep is never the answer. The key is finding a way to get baby to go from fully awake to fully asleep in the cot. That is going to either be a very, very slow change over a long time scale. Or it's going to be very, very distressing. Either way will be difficult and challenging for everyone.

Regarding alternate comfort - start with picking a comforter thing (toy, muslin, blankie). Then every time you cuddle, feed or get baby to sleep do so while having the comforter snuggled up to baby. It's not a straight swap. The idea is that if you use the comforter consistantly at all times baby feels comforted then in time baby will learn to associate the comforter itself with that comforted feeling.

Thanks fate!

I don't think I have high expectations (been through months of awful sleep due to horrendous reflux which turned out to be due to multiple allergies so my expectations for anything baby-sleepwise can't really get lower) and I'm not looking for a quick fix (though welcome to it if anyone knows of one ). I guess the problem is I don't know what to expect.

I understand that putting a sleeping baby down somewhere else won't work and have read why, but when would you suggest doing it? Do I feed him so he's sleepy and on the brink of sleep then put him in his cot? Or just before this? Then do I leave the room, or stay with him? I know 100% he'll cry instantly as soon as I put him down so how do I best manage that?

I would love a non-cry solution but I am able to allow a few tears to be shed if it is for the best in the long run (shorter, less traumatic for him etc).

I do struggle with him crying (I'm sure everyone does!) and so I really need someone to guide me a little and let me know I'm doing the right thing. I guess I lack confidence and therefor give up before I've began when it gets difficult.

I will definitely start with the comforter thing though and try and get him to associate it with happy sleep time!

I understand that putting a sleeping baby down somewhere else won't work and have read why, but when would you suggest doing it? Do I feed him so he's sleepy and on the brink of sleep then put him in his cot? Or just before this? Then do I leave the room, or stay with him? I know 100% he'll cry instantly as soon as I put him down so how do I best manage that?

If it was me, this is what I'd do

• start point: feeding to sleep and cosleeping.

• feed to deep sleep (with comforter to baby's cheek) and then roll over, back to baby, once asleep. Everything else the same - still feed to sleep, still cosleep.

• feed to the 'just gone to sleep' point (with comforter) unlatch. Hand on baby's chest and cuddles close until asleep. Roll away from baby (if space on the bed) or with back to baby. Straight back to breast and repeat every time it's needed, roll away once settled asleep.

• feed to just before asleep, hand of chest and comforter snuggles until asleep. Still cosleep and so on.

• feed to drowsy, hand on chest, cosleeping cuddles with comforter on bed.

• now start doing most of the feed (one breast?) away from the bedroom, say downstairs and before bedtime routine. Finish feed in bed, unlatch and cuddle to sleep. Continue cosleep cuddles as always

• gradually offer more of the feed separately to sleep time, before going to bed, so that there is less of a feed in bed. Gradually replace feeding for cuddles with comforter to sleep. Keeping cosleeping.

• we could be months down the line by this point, but eventually replace comforter cuddles with mummy and hand on chest, instead of feeding to get to sleep.

• once not feeding to sleep I would then also night wean. Cold turkey and completely. I'd do this by swapping with DH for a couple of weeks. He does all the co sleeping, all the cuddles. Not leaving baby, still staying close and cosleeping. But no chance of feeds from Dad. Shouldn't take more than a couple of weeks to night wean.

• now not feeding to sleep and not feeding in the night, I'd work on in-cot settling. This would start with co sleeping in the sidecar cot. Now that baby is used to cuddling to sleep this would be more easily moved.

• once used to cuddling to sleep in the cosleeper cot, start creating physical space. So cuddle to deep sleep then rolling away once asleep.

• then cuddling until calm with your hand on chest, roll away but keep hand on chest when calm. Roll back ibto cuddle needed, withdraw to just hand on chest when calm.

• then settling with just your hand only, and comforter toy snuggles. Stay until asleep. Still cosleeper cot.

• then side back on the sidecar cot. Settle with your hand. Baby with comforter. Stay lying on bed next to cot until asleep.

• then settle with hand on chest, withdraw hand when calm and settled. Just lie next to cot (not touching) until asleep.

• then settle with hand on chest and roll to face away from cot once settled. Wait until asleep.

• then settle and roll away and sit upon edge of bed. Wait until asleeasleep before leaving

• settle in cot and stand at other side of bed. Wait until asleep. In each of these steps I would return back and resettle if needed, but always withdraw back when settled and calm. And slways wait untì asleep.

• then wait by door until asleep, then outside of door... and do on.

Wow this is exactly what I needed!! You absolute star Thank you so much. I couldn't think of a way to reach the end goal without going from 0 to 100.

The above sounds do-able and definitely the gentle approach I think DS needs.

I am stealing this AMAZING list. 10 month old DS and similar issues - this is a lifesaver! Thank you so much good luck 8 Days!

Ive no advice to offer buttoned just like to say that you.may be surprised at your lo. My non sleeping, Co sleeping, bf to sleep baby took didn't cry at ALL when I ddid gradual withdrawal with him. Good luck. Fate gives excellent advice.