Is this separation anxiety? or teething? and what to do?

[pikapoo]

So for the past week, my newly 1yr old DS has been taking up to an hour to fall asleep at bedtime. It's how he's falling asleep that's puzzling DH and me!

Previously, he would have his bedtime milk and then have a cuddle, followed by a few grumps and put downs and pick ups (if he didn't fall asleep straight away after his milk), but usually within 15-20 minutes he'd be out like a light for the night. That bedtime was somewhere between 7 and 7:30pm.

But now, he stands at the cot and cries for us. The crying seems to be for attention as there are intermittent pauses, and no tears. When we go in, he actually drops down straight away to lie in the cot, but continues grumping/crying. Only patting him, touching him or giving him a finger to hold (depending on his mood) will sooth him, and even then not fully (his hands get busy and he rolls a little as if trying to sooth himself, then continues to grump/moan and cry intermittently - just not as badly as if we were to leave him). The minute we lift our hands, or pry ourselves from his little grip, he lets out a loud wail and cries again. But he also makes it clear he does not want to be picked up and held! which is a good thing as it would have broken my back by now, he is 26lbs

I am personally not a fan of CC or CIO, but my DH things we should give CC a try. Today we left him on his own in the cot a little bit more - it was hard for me, but DH insisted we try. I think it tired him out a bit more but the same issues persisted.

At the same time he has been drooling like mad the past week, rubbing his ears intermittently, etc etc, and for the past month and a half it has seemed like his molars might be trying to cut (his first eight teeth have come out pretty early)... but then I have started to doubt myself on this as surely teething symptoms don't actually go on and on for weeks on end!?

Any advice would be much appreciated. The answer may well be "well you should just sit by his cot for an hour to reassure him", but as I mentioned above this actually has limited effect on him!

The answer may well be "well you should just sit by his cot for an hour to reassure him", but as I mentioned above this actually has limited effect on him!

The only read on its having no effect is because you aren't giving him the level.of reassurance he needs. As soon as you start giving it consistantly, the sitying by the cot will (a) work, and (b) shouldn't take long - 10 or so minutes , and (c) you can start withdrawing the amount of reassurance needed.

This phase begins and ends with trust. It's all about trust.

If your son knows that he can hold you hand whenever he needs to at sleep time, for as long as he needs it. That your hand will always be there. That you won't sneek your hand away or (worse still) sneek out as soon as he relaxes - then there is no battle.

If you create a battle by not giving him the reassurance, it means he learns that the only way he has to get your comforting reassurance is to cry if uou leave. So he'll fight to stay awake, for fear that as soon as he looks like he might relax enough to sleep, you leave him. So his effort goes into staying awake to keep you there.

Give the constant reassurance, the battle stops.

If he trusts you to stay, he will be able to relax and learn to go to sleep contented in his cot, safe in the knowledge that he can relax and be calm and you will still stay until he is asleep.

So, start point is rebuilding that trust. Hold his hand (or whatever) without moving or looking to remove the hand until he is fully asleep. Give this long enough so the trust builds and the battle stops.

Once he's going to sleep within 5-15 minutes, he's stopped the battle to stay awake and trusts you to stay. Then you start withdrawing. So start letting go of his hand when calm, but stay right there next to the cot with constant eye contact. If distressed, hand back. Once calm, lift hand but stay watching. Hand back if upset, let ho when calm. Stay until fully asleep.

Always stay until asleep. The trust is destroyed and you'll end up with backwards steps any time he doesn't trust you to give him enough reassurance for long enough.

Next calm with your hand and when calm stand and turn side-on to him, without eye contact. Stay right there until asleep. If distressed, turn back to him and hold hands. Turn away when calm.

Next, once this is accepted and trusted, take a step away when calm. Return immediately if upset, withdraw when calm. Stay until asleep.

Then wait by door. Return immediately if needed, withdraw when calm. Stay until asleep.

Then stay upstairs while going to sleep. Return immediately to his side if needed (to she you are right there, keeping the trust), withdraw when calm.

It's all about trust.

The fact you left him to cry with controlled crying will have destroyed a lot of trust that you will be there for him. But it's easy to rebuild that trust. It will take some effort though.

@FATEdestiny, thank you for taking the time to reply.