Extra nao whilst travelling home means late bed time for 15 month old - help!

[bakinglady79]

Hi all,

I'm wondering if anyone can help (or even just empathise so I know I'm not alone in this?). I've returned to work after mat leave full time but my little one's nursery is close to my work and 50 minutes from home. This isn't a problem in the mornings but it means that in the evenings he's so wiped out from all the fun he's had that he sleeps at least 45 mins in the car on the way home, then wakes up when we get there, meaning he's awake until anywhere between 9pm and 10:30pm. Has anyone else had this issue? I'm exhausted by the time I've driven nearly 2 hours in the day, done a full day's work, and spent an evening looking after my little one, and my husband and I don't get to spend any time together as just us as we're both wiped out by the time he's asleep so we fall straight into bed and then wake up to do it all again the next day.

I've gone through all the mum guilts about whether or not returning to work full time was a good idea etc but it really is the best thing for us as a family and my lb is loving nursery and developing so much there. He's fine in himself and isn't phased by the disturbed sleep pattern, but I was wondering if anyone else has been through this and come out the other side - what did you do and how did you handle it?

We've tried keeping him awake on the journey home - tried keeping the car cool so it's not so snuggly, changed his car seat to forward facing (he was too big for his maxi-cosi, so that was overdue anyway!) so he can see more, even bought an ipad holder so he could watch a cartoon (despite me not wanting to, but it didn't work anyway!), kept his shoes on so it's as least like his normal sleeping routine as possible, have sung and clapped hands and generally tried to make the journey as exciting as possible, but nothing keeps him awake for the full 50 minute journey. I can't get him a nursery any closer to home as it would mean finishing work earlier to make sure I got there in time to collect him before it shut, and rely on the kindness of the traffic gods, but I've just started a new job so I can't adjust my hours.

Any top tips or just kind words would be most appreciated as I'm really struggling at the minute and feel totally lost. He sleeps normally at the weekend and only has one nap, so goes to sleep at a good time (pre-8pm) and is out all through the night, so we have that to be thankful for, but I'm struggling to adjust to the situation and want to help him get as much sleep as possible during the week so we can all have some balance. We're 2 months in now. It might sound selfish, that's really not the way I want it to come across, but it's really hard juggling what feels like a lack of sanity/breathing space, with a new job and returning to work after mat leave full time. I was concerned that we wouldn't get any time with him until the weekends, so it's a good position to be in from that perspective, but I really would like him to get an earlier night each night!

Thank you!

I think you need a nursery closer to home.

Pottering -
Read the thread, op said that wasn't possible

No, she said to do that she would have to adjust her working hours. That's not the same thing as impossible

I get you've just started a new job op but you can always request flexible working - if they say no then fair enough but realistically you are not keeping him awake ever on a 50 minute journey home.

What about your DH? Could he go to a nursery near his work? Is that better?

Alot of parents moan that they don't see enough of their child once they're at work and childminders at nursery I think you should just get on with it. It wont be forever.

Can you make the car journey more pleasant for yourself by listening to a your favorite or new music or an audio book, so you make the most of the time he is asleep? Also when do you both eat during the day if you are very hungry when you get home it might not be helping.

Can you look at alternative childcare? A Nanny / childminder nearer to home maybe. He'll be going to school soon enough ( I know it seems a lifetime away now) and this arrangement won't work then anyway.

Or, could nursery put him down for a late afternoon sleep?

Under about 3 years old, I think you are fighting a losing battle trying to keep him awake on the drive home. It's really, really unlikely to happen. And that's likely to be tge case for a year or two.

So I would embrace and accept the fact he'll be having a power nap on your drive home. This means embracing and accepting a later bedtime.

It won't be forever. As he approaches pre-school and school age, he'll probably stop this nap and at that point you can start getying him to bed earlier.

Until then, what's the problem with a later bedtime for your son? Some things to consider:

● The continental routine of an afternoon siester and later night is quite normal, even for young children, in Europe. Children don't have to go to bed early.

● He can catch up on his sleep and adjust his daytime nap routine accordingly. It's not like you have a school child who will be exhausted the following day after a late night. Pre-school is about the only time in a person's life where they have the freedom to sleep whenever.

● I'm trying hard not to get out my tiny violin about your full working day, 2 hour commute and then parenting until 10pm (sorry!). It's like you are just practicing being a parent, rather than actually having to do it. How will you cope when you have a 11 year old up until 9.30pm every night? What about I'd you have that 11 year old and also a pre-schooler? Maybe a middle child somewhere in between. It's really not unmanageable.

● You having more time with your child in the evening is a good thing. A great thing in fact! Many working parents would love the opportunity. Yoy could even use the time for lovely family adventures - go swimming, to the park in summer, a walk in the woods, see Christmas lights in the winter... All sorts of things.

I honestly don't think it sounds that bad! We are so fixate on early bedtimes in the UK, but the sleeping patterns you describe really won't kill him. Let him have his power nap, enjoy playing with him when you get home, or maybe even take it in turns with your h to do so while the other one does their yoga, housework, reading, whatever it is that you feel you should be doing in this couple of hours. If you and your H have dinner then let your lo join in at the dniner table and have a small bedtime snack. you can turn this into a huge positive for you family life.

Also, hold the press- He sleeps through the night! have you any idea how wonderful that is? Well done. It sounds like you have a really well adjusted sleeper. I think you really need to start considering your cup to be half full rather than half empty.

I would agree with lots of the above about a later bedtime not having to be seen as a problem, but if it really is a problem for you, could you possibly get him fed and ready for bed before your drive home, then attempt a direct car-to-bed transfer? He night wake initially but could perhaps be re-settled in bed and may get used to it over time? Only an idea. That may result in the opposite problem though (getting no time at all with him after work!)

Classic mumsnet: posts saying you simply must do things you've ruled out, and others criticising how you dare to feel about it

I have a similar thing OP, though find it easier to keep him awake because it's in the buggy rather than the car - if I were driving he'd be off in dreamland for sure. If he's sleepy I tend to give him snacks and sing very loudly (cue weird looks on the canal path...) which do help him stay alert most of the time. But sounds like you've tried that kind of thing.

I don't have any great advice but just wanted to be a bit of a counter to people saying get over it - I completely get the feeling wiped thing, and needing to have some time with just you and DH. It's really hard. The only other thing I can think of (though not very helpful) is that if you did manage to head off the car nap you might find that he's so tired he sleeps really late in the morning instead, because nursery is so tiring Which, depending on your morning logistics, might be worse? (This is what mine does, though on post-nursery days it tends to be a 6.30 wake up rather than 5.30, which is fine by me...)

But I do feel for you, juggling nursery and work with the rhythms and needs of a little one as well as your own is really hard. Sending hugs x