Don't know how to explain to my husband he's not helping :(

[FTM85]

Hi all

We have a gorgeous 8 week old little girl. We've fallen into a very light routine of bath and bed between 7-8. The reason it is light as my husband likes to bath her as it's the only time he sees her in the day (which is lovely) but sometimes he gets back from work at 7, sometimes not until a little later.

When he baths her I rush downstairs to get dinner on. When he has bathed her he brings her downstairs and I feed her either to sleep or until drowsy when I hand her back to my husband. If she wakes I ask him to resettle her. This is where the problems start. I walk in on him playing records and dancing around with her wide awake bolt upright over his shoulder - this is lovely don't get me wrong! But just not the right time of day. I say o thought you were going to settle her and he says I thought I was, I don't think he gets it.

So then he takes her, wide awake, to her cot. He sits with her but not shushing or patting, just sitting. I explain newborns can't get themselves to sleep they need help and he says he doesn't get it.

I'm really struggling as feel like I need this help in the evening but actually end up taking over fully because I can settle her (quiet space, shushing, rocking, dummy etc).

This isn't for a moment about me getting the baby 'out of the way' but she gets so tired by 8 and when it works for her it's the perfect bedtime, then she wakes for a feed at 1.

How do I explain to him without hurting his feelings/sounding bossy? I am starting to get wound up at bedtime each night. He's now sitting with her, in her cot, making faces at her to make her laugh!

Sorry I appreciate this is a bit 'agony aunt' haha but anyone had similar situations?

holidays My routine is perfectly calm, I think my house is pretty tidy for having 2 under 2 and I spend my evenings with DS on the sofa. It's not one or the other

DS's current routine is this:
Change nappy and into pjs when toddler goes upstairs to do her bedtime routine with DH
BF to sleep (in my arms, on the sofa because I've already done all the necessary jobs during the day)
When we're ready for bed (about 9 ), I go upstairs, have a shower and get ready for bed whilst DH holds DS. Then DH brings DS up, changes his nappy whilst I BF and we sleep.

It's a very calm, quiet routine! He currently has a bath during the day but I'll start putting him in the bath with DD once he's ready to go to bed at a 'bedtime' (might be around 6 months but I'll adapt to his needs).

FATE is giving well-informed and accurate advice. If you are breastfeeding and co-sleeping with a new born there is no 'putting them to bed' to be done at 8pm unless that's when you go to bed. I found Moses basket or sling really helpful, and second getting DH to cook dinner whilst you breastfeed baby.

Don't apologise for wanting a calm routine. Most people do but won't admit it on mumsnet.

Having a routine, as in a series of events that lead to something, is pretty consistantly recommended on mumsnet. So you clearly don't read the sleep boards much.

This
(a) has no bearing on "getting stuff done", or not, with a newborn.
(b) does not mean putting a little newborn "to bed" early evening. YY to an older baby, 5-6-7 month old.

I would certainly wholly recommend a series of things you do to mark "bedtime". Bath, massage, story/song, change into night clothes. All at any wake up that happens early evening - 6pm to 9pm.

No reason you can't start that at newborn, if you want to. It won't actually make your newborn any better at sleeping though. Simply getting more sleep over 24h will do that.

But this "calm routine" should end with you carrying on your "daytime" with baby. So a cycle of feed, cuddle, nap, wake... feed, cuddle, nap, wake... feed, cuddle, nap, wake... And so on. Crucially for safe sleep, all happening from the same room you are.

There need be no distinction between daytime sleep and evening sleep at this age. Baby just wants lots of sleep, all day, all evening, all night.

Yes have series of things you do at "bedtime" at any reasonable awake time for baby. Then just carry on the daytime naps until you go to bed.

You're then there with DH to talk with DH as he's settling baby:

• if you don't keep baby calm, it will be harder to get her to sleep.

• baby has already been awake xx minutes. She never wants more than 60 minutes awake time between sleeps, 24 hours a day.

• We could move bath time to 7.30pm, then you could play with her in that bath. In fact you could join her in the bath and play together in there. Shall We do that?

Thanks all. I really don't want anybody to misunderstand. I am not saying at 8pm I'm trying to rush him to get her to sleep. He says he'd like to settle her but at 11pm he's dancing round the room with her and she's crying for sleep. This is where I don't like to just barge in and 'snatch her' exactly as above, the whole 'mum knows best' thing. Apologise for not properly explaining. I'm really not interested in a strict routine but it IS frustrating when he wants to settle her but instead we have a poor screaming overtired little one late at night that's all.

And she stays downstairs with us until we go to bed and either sleeps in side cot or in bed with me. I've never left her alone in a room to sleep!

Phew x

Can you ask him to do things which don't involve sleep, such as 'can you play with her (calmly!) whilst I have a shower/sort washing etc and then she'll be ready for a feed and to go to sleep'. So he's got things to do with her and then she comes back to you to go to sleep.

FTM85 - are you breastfeeding?

In which case, he realistically cannot be involved in sleep at this age. Sleepinh And feeding are completely linked at this age. So Dad's just cant do then them in breastfeeding families.

Maybe you didn't realise this?
Maybe he didn't realise it?

But it need not be nagging or an argument. Just accept you have to settle to sleep just as you have to feed. There are lots of other things he can do.... basically everything that is not feeding and sleeping. He can do:

• the bath on his own
• getting baby dry
• baby massage
• getting baby dressed/undressed
• nappies
• singing and stories
• awake time cuddles
• floor time play

His turn settling child to sleep will come, just not yet because only you can do it.

I spent every night settling my children to sleep for the first 12 months. Plus all wake ups and naps. But you know what? DH has done every bedtime, every night, after 12 months.

DH has done over 10 years of being in sole charge of bedtime routine with our children. More than the 4 years I have done. So it balances out.

You really are worrying over nothing.

When my DS was that age I'd pretty much done all the settling, it just makes sense if the way it works out is - play, feed, sleep. Sometimes just the change in arms would make him wake up, get frustrated he wasn't with me (breastfed for first few months).

I think FATE may of misread your post when you said you went downstairs (during bath time) I used to do the same or we wouldn't eat until 9/10 at night.

Op I would just talk to him (not at night when he's settling her, maybe at weekend) and give lots of positive praise. Then talk about how stimulation can seem to work but actually makes babies overtired. If you can chuck some research In that always helps.

I know you're trying to be sensitive for him, but in the end if he isn't picking up the hints you'll just have to lay it out. Your daughter's need to sleep trumps his need to be asked nicely (to do something which seems pretty common sense to me! Like the poster who said giving the example of dancing round when we are trying to sleep! It's not the hardest thing to figure out that it might be waking her up)

Best of luck