What do you do when they cry when you put them in the cot but don't want to be cuddled either?

[mangolime]

Dd is 13m, never slept great, have bf to sleep till recently but it's stopped working. I really really really hate hearing/seeing her cry but I just don't know what to do. She wrestles and writhes to get away if I pick her up but if I put her down she screams.

I'm at the end of my tether.

In and out every 7ish mins.

(5 seems too often, 10 too long)

Cuddle cuddle down.

In the summer I would load Ds in to his Priam & go for a long walk until he was asleep. In the winter it was a long drive.. Not suggesting u do the same but it brings back memories

Is this new behaviour? My DD behaved like this when in pain with her ears, but it took me a while to realise that that was what the problem was. If I gave her some pain relief she would settle with a bit of a cuddle and go back to bed.

My dd does this sometimes, probably started about the same age as yours (she's just turned 18m). It's less now. It was usually when she was teething or overtired. You could try getting her up bringing downstairs etc to try to snap her out of it, or if she's just so tired make sure you've done everything for her - milk, pain relief (calpol), check nappy, then leave her to cry chucking every so often as pp said. You could keep offering cuddles then eventually she'll tire herself out a bit and want the comfort. It will pass!

Is she teething? Bonjela on the duddy works when my DS is mae at the universe. Noisy toys in her cot? My son will self soothe with some of his singing toys until he falls asleep.

Sending hugs, it's so hard - curently have an 18 mo who apparently can't sleep for more than 40 minutes without me touching him

I found it was easier on them to let them just shout than go in and cuddle/reassure.

Depends on the child: my two calmed down quicker if I left them to get on with it (only when fed, fed, warm, not uncomfortable etc of course).

I'd leave her to it and see what happens. Go back in every 10 min or so to reassure.

What about lying down with her mangolime?

Put in your bed, lay next to her and read first in semi dark, then stroke back, soothe until asleep

I sit with her so she knows I'm there if she needs me and offer her to hold my hand or cuddle a teddy.

Assuming not I'll, walk out shut door and leave them to cry themself to sleep otherwise you'll never help them learn to settle themself.

Lie on the floor beside them and reassure. They can see you are there but they learn to lie down and go to sleep. It took a few weeks but now DS chats himself to sleep and even chats for 15 mins in the morning when he wakes up!

Oh i hate the idea of leaving them to cry - there's obviously something up. Not wrong - i'm sure OP has checked all the neccesaries but she obviously is struggling with something. DS self soothes, goes to bed awake and drifts off after a play. Ok so atm he's a terrible sleeper but this is a post-hospital thing so doesn't count

Thanks all! In the end my dh read her story books until she fell asleep on him.

I'd love for her to self settle so I really should try the stroking/patting thing but i find it very hard when she's crying so much and I'm not very patient. I'm not prepared to leave the room and let her cry on her own. It's not whinging or whatever it's proper crying!

I think she might be teething so I did give calpol but it didn't seem to make much of a difference.

You hate seeing her upset op, that's totally understandable and evolutionary intended to ensure you protect her. But it's also your issue, not hers (I don't meant that to sound harsh). Crying is her voice and her only real way of expressing herself atm. She's okay with expressing her frustration/anger and you should try to be too. If she senses that you're uncomfortable with her emotions she will start to think it's not okay to be upset.

She needs to know it's okay to express her feelings and that you're there for her, not only when she's happy and smiling but when she's struggling, upset, frustrated, angry etc. And she needs to know that it's okay to feel all of those things.

She understands far more than she can say so I would start with a solid and consistent bedtime routine. Spend the hour or two leading up to bedtime explaining what it will be in lots of detail. And then follow through, reminding her throughout what's coming next, that's she's ultimately going into her cot and you will leave her to sleep. Be calm and confident so she can have confidence in you and the process. Be firm with the rule that it's bedtime so she's staying in her cot otherwise she will be confused by your getting her in and out and think she can get you to take her out again if she cries etc.

Once she's in her bed acknowledge her if she's upset, tell her you understand she's having a hard time with the new routine but this is how things will be from now on, tell her you're there for her if she wants a cuddle (lean over for a cuddle if she wants one), sing a song or two. Throughout the whole process remind her you'll be going after a set point she can understand (x song or whatever) and tell her your going to do something she'll understand so she can visualise it (wash up, tidy toys etc.) and that you'll check on her later. After the last song leave - it's torture for babies trying to get you to stay a bit longer when they know you're going to eventually go, so do what you've said you will. Of course if she hasn't calmed down after a minute or two go back, another cuddle, repeat the explanation that it's time for her to sleep and you have to do x chores (don't sing another song or you'll be in and out doing that for hours).

It might take a while the first few nights but once she trusts that you'll follow through, can confidently set boundaries and stick to them in the face of her protests she will have confidence in you and the routine and she will be able to be settle more easily.

Thank you, a lot of what you say makes sense and I think I will try and tackle this after Christmas, I'm due another in may so I think we need to sort this before the new baby comes so it's not too much change at once.