2 year old - terrible sleeper! help needed

[MrsMac1397]

I'm not sure what to try next with my DD1. Last night I lost my rag with her and I'm out of ideas and patience. She's about to turn 2 next week and she's still a terrible sleeper, always has been!

To give a short background she has always wanted/needed human contact. She never settled well in her Moses basket or even her cot. She'd wake hourly most nights. By the time she was 10months old I was exhausted so I would put her in her cot then when she woke at midnight onwards I'd just take her to bed with us and she'd settle immediately. She'd even sleep through the rest of the night. This worked well for us for a while.

Then I got pregnant again and we decided to buy a bigger house. During our move we had to spend a couple of months at my MIL while our new house had work carried out. Since moving into our new house she's been terrible. I've made allowances as I understand how we'd turned her very stable life on its head with moving (essentially twice) and adding her little sister to the family. At first we let her sleep with us as I felt she needed some time for everything to settle and our reassurance.

A couple of months ago we bought her a toddler bed and decorated her bedroom then moved her in. For the first couple of weeks she was ok she woke a few times a night but was easy to settle and she stayed in bed the full night. But the last 6 weeks or so she's been terrible - waking 7/8 times a night and really hard to settle, during the times she doesn't settle she's crying and screaming.

When she wakes during the night I've tried all sorts - sitting with her while she goes back over, leaving her for a couple minutes to see if she'll settle herself, sending my husband in when she wakes, bought her a gro clock, added nightlights, making a point of not being with her when she falls asleep, sleeping on a mattress in her room so she stays in her bed and my latest bad idea was to move her bed into our room so she was with us but still in her bed. I thought as her little sister is with us (she's only 3 months old) then she was feeling a bit put out being the only one excluded.

The one good thing is we have a great bedtime routine well go up to her bed and i read her two stories then she goes to sleep without any issues.

Everything I've tried has failed miserably and hasn't stopped her waking as often, lately we've been so tired we've let her come into bed, which she's started to do herself. I don't want to go backwards completely. Last night she woke 7 times, 4 of which before 1am and ended up waking her sister. At the fourth time she tried to get into bed with me but I decided to put her back into her bed. she went mental and threw a huge tantrum. I ended up getting her back into bed by shouting, uses threats and anything else I could think of (not my happiest moment). But she woke another 3 times afterwards asking for milk, which is beside her bed.

She's starting to disturb her little sister who is a great sleeper for her age, it's really showed me that what I've had before with DD1 isn't the norm.

I feel like we're going backwards rather than forwards...not sure whether to give her some tough love which I've never been a fan of but I'm at the end of my tether.

I wouldn't mind bed sharing with her but she's such a fidget that my husband and I don't get a sleep with her, she kicks in her sleep and moves around a lot. I really think she needs her own space.

Sorry for the huge rant but I'm a bit lost to be honest.

I am in a similar non ideal fidgety bed sharing situation with my 8 month old and am at a loss also.

With my 2 year old she was a shocking sleeper until around 9 months and then I admit we did cry it out - we had 3 horrendous nights and then blissful peaceful sleep. I hated doing it, I cried, but I was also in extreme exhaustion at the time and ultimately it meant we all got a great night's sleep. If she ever occasionally wakes now we go in to make sure she is ok and pop her back into bed and she goes back to sleep pretty much straight away with no fuss.

My 8 month old is much more sensitive and contact dependent than she ever was though so I don't know if it would work with her.
Have you tried the put back to bed technique? Mind numbing and stamina needing but effective?
Good luck OP hope you get some sleep soon.

t sure whether to give her some tough love

Now she's in a bed, I'm not sure any tough love (anything that involves leaving her distressed) is going to work. She can just get out of bed. It's not like she's penned in with cot bars.

You could do your version of tough love via a stair gate on her door I suppose. This will mean the door being open which will make her frustration and distress even worse. It'll also mean she reached the point of total exhaustion while stood at the stair gate, not in bed.

I doubt you'll have any great success with CIO or CC unless you move her back into a cot (which is what I'd do).

Your other option is rapid return. It will be time consuming and exhausting for you. It means any time she gets out of bed you go to get instantly and very quickly and calmly return her to bed, tell her it's sleep time and leave. Repeat, repeat repeat with infinate consistency all the time, every time.

Or just go the route that gets everyone the most sleep, stop fighting this battle and embrace compelling and the family bed. Maybe invest in a superkingsized bed with a side car cot on both sides.

I had exactly this with my then-two-year-old when his little brother was about the same age. It seemed to coincide with the novelty of the new baby wearing off and two year molars. He had just started sleeping reliably in his own room, mostly through the night, then bam, I was tag-teaming him with the baby.

How is her behaviour during the day? Has that escalated? More tantrums?

(The very opposite of tough love is what worked for DS1, but I'm interested in your responses to the above.)

When she was in her own room she usually stays in her bed and shouts on me but since we've moved her into our room she'll try and come in with us at some point, often not the first time she wakes, usually the fourth or fifth. When she wakes I go to her, tell her to lie down and go back to sleep then pop the covers over her. Sometimes this works or she'll ask for a drink which is next to her bed then I'll tell her to lie down.

I can't move her back into her cot as her sister sleeps in it now.

Elphabathegreen - Her behaviour is generally good during the day, she's quite clingy and I can't move without her being behind me. She has tantrums but I assume it's within the realm of normal toddler behaviour. She's very good with the baby, she talks to her and has an interest still. I try and include her as much as I can with her sister and when I notice she needs a bit of one on one time will hand the baby to my husband if he's there or tell her that once I settle her I'll do x,y or z with her and I keep my promise. She's very stubborn and once she sets her mind to something it's quite a challenge to shift her way of thinking.

DS1 never lost interest in DS2, and never actively seemed to resent his presence, but there was a distinct escalation in his clinginess around the time DS2 turned 3 months. As a result, love-bombing and empathy (and time) was what seemed to help.

That's good that you're doing 1:1 as much as possible. Is your DH doing a lot of 1:1? It might make her more accepting of him during the night? Is your 1:1 taking place in her room so as to make this a really desirable room for her to be in? Tea parties, laughing, cuddly play in her room? A slightly different tack: you leave the house for an hour or so - leave DD1 'in charge' of your DH and DD2? It was about this time of year when I did this with my lot - I came back and there was a Christmas disco happening in the living room along side a sofa cushion tent Make gingerbread man families with her and see how she makes them interact. A massive one that helped us - if she's really clingy, and has a tantrum because you need to see to the baby, cuddle like mad and articulate for her, 'I know, it's SO hard being a big sister isn't it, but you're doing such a good job!' That's basically what she's telling you, but probably can't articulate - displaying and articulating that empathy was a total deal-maker for DS1.

At night - YY to a stair gate on her door, but bling it up, with her help. DS1 fell totally in love with his stair gate and closing it became his ritual of a night time because it was very much 'his'. Return to sleeping on her floor (presumably your DH if you're with baby in the night) for a bit, with stair gate in situ, and in combination with all of the above. Return her to her own bed if she tries to get into the adult floor bed, then very gradual withdrawal from there.

Does that sound doable?

I hadn't really considered the baby being a factor really. Had just thought about her feeling left out at night, which was why I moved her in with us. Yes it does, I'd actually started looking into things I could do with her 1:1. After Christmas my husband is going to start taking her swimming on a Sunday and I've been looking into gymnastics that involves a parent being present and active in the class so had though we could make that our thing to do together too while my husband has the baby. i could get some time for 1:1 play on her room. I had thought about going back into her room on the floor so will give that another go. Might try it night about with my husband. Thanks!