Controlled Crying - help!!

[makeupmum23]

My son is 9 (nearly 10m) months old and last night I took my first attempt at "controlled crying" or whatever it might be called otherwise. He has never been a great sleeper and I really struggled to routine him. I was diagnosed with post natal depression in September so I have felt too fragile to attempt controlled crying and would just take him into bed with me but now I feel I've come on leaps and bounds and really want to tackle his sleeping.

I'm looking for some advice/help/success stories.

I put him down at about 8-9pm last night and he woke at 11.35pm, I went in to his nursery, not picking him up once, and tried to soothe him with "shhh" stroking his face and putting his dummy in. This went on for an hour before he fell back asleep but I had to sit in the room with him.

(He then woke up at 2.30am and I took him into bed with me - I had a driving lesson at 9.30 so didn't fancy being overly shattered so I admit I gave up)

Tonight, I put him down at 7am (already asleep in my arms) and so he woke up at 10:30 and I tried to do everything the same but what I'm getting at is..

Should it take an HOUR for him to go back to sleep?
I use my phone to time how long I leave it in between going into his room, e.g 1 min, then 2, increasing it to 10.

He is currently STILL shrieking and crying. Is it normally for it to take this long?? He's had a little bit of milk but wouldn't take much, he's not hungry, hot cold or ill.

Can anyone give me any tips or advice??? I'm so close to giving up but I really want to try this if it will benefit us both in the long run.

I'm a single parent so have to do it alone. he has a good relationship with his dad but obviously he's not here for night time.

Please no nasty comments, I'm just a first time mum trying my best at something new. I already doubt myself every day although I know I'm a good mum :(

Thank you, Mums xx

***7pm (not 7am, oops!)

What you're doing isn't what I understand to be controlled crying (which is where you leave the room for increasingly long periods of time and let them cry without you or fall asleep). Sounds like what you've been doing is shush pat?

Either way there's a pretty massive development leap at around 9 months (towards walking) and of course he could be teething, all of which can interrupt sleep whether sleep trained or not.

And you only seem to have been doing it for a night or two. Is that right?

I raised dd1 by myself and the know how tough it is.

I ended up giving in with her and letting her sleep in my bed - for about eight years 🙈

Dd2 I ended up sitting out side her room with a book and just went in every few mins, lay her down patted her back and left again repeated. It took around an hour at first then gradually got to shorter periods over the week. It's was bloody hard and horrible on both :-(

When she was ill it all went out of the windows and we had to start from scratch again. I don't think I'd do it again TBH. Dd2 didn't sleep through till at least 2.5 years.

I've just had dd3 (7 weeks) and I've bought the baby whisperer and read other books for other non cry methods as it can go tits up easily AND if you give up on day three for example you have made them cry for three nights for nothing. (Not very helpful I know !)

Yes part of me thinks it might be teething too. Honestly I've no idea what i'm even doing :( I leave the room and time 1 minute then go in and put his dummy in/stroke his face, then I leave the room for 2 minutes and repeat this until i'm gone for 10 minutes at a time. He's still awake after an hour but I eventually had to pick him up as he stood up in his cot and stumbled and knocked his head (I heard a thud so entered the room). I guess i'll just have to persist and yeah it's only my second night trying it, I'm just looking for tips etc. :)

I know, part of me feels like i'm just going to have to accept that I have a baby who isn't going to be a good sleeper... obviously I'm thankful he's happy and healthy but i feel like a failure that he doesn't sleep through and just blame myself for everything even though this is all brand new to me. I will try for the next few nights and see how I get on...

thank you both

It is completely normal for babies not to sleep through until past age 1. That is nothing to do with you, you are not a failure.

He sounds like a fairly good sleeper if he goes for 3/4 hour stretches, I know quite a few who wake every hour or two and are much older than yours.

Just wondering as to why you've decided to sleep train - not judging, just curious as you don't make it clear why in your OP. Is there anything in particular that's a problem with co-sleeping for you? Do you not sleep well?

I'm the child of a single mum, and one of her favourite things about it was that me coming into her bed was never a problem as there wasn't a DP moaning about me being there and she loved the cuddles

Jesus ! Your not a failure ! He just misses you too much!

I want to say it won't last for ever!

OP, I have totally been there - it's so hard. I didn't do exactly the form of controlled crying you describe (I stayed with him and shushed and patted and stroked etc) but the first couple of nights it did take over an hour each time he woke up (over two hours a few times ☹️️) It's really hard but he is a fantastic sleeper now and it has stuck even when he's been ill - so if it does work for you and him, it's amazing.

The big things that worked for us (my DS was 7mo) were:-

• introducing a bedtime routine with strong sleep cues, and not letting him fall asleep on a feed or in my arms. We do bath, into PJs, feed, then lower lights for two stories - last story is always the same one - then into crib, lights off, and our sleep song, always the same one
• cutting out night feeds.
• in-cot comforting, picking up when he got really upset but making sure he always fell asleep in crib, not on one of us.

Two very tough nights, then he slept through. Not every night since, but I would describe him as a good sleeper now when he was terrible before. All babies are different and I think we were very lucky that he responded so well, but it can work - I think routine and not letting him fall asleep on me were the key changes.

Happy to bore on in more detail tomorrow if you want to DM me (have to go to bed now!)

Good luck xx

Totally with bow belle similar to what I did. Always keep baby in their room lights low. If he can put his dummy back in just put loads in the cot so he can find one easily. Try the glow in the dark ones too

Can you put his cot into your room? It might help, especially with night waking. Tbh I've got 4 dcs and they were all in my room until about 2 years. I know others don't agree but it worked for me.

makeupmum23 - you are giving your baby mixed messages and are lacking consustancy.

• going to sleep in your arms one time baby goes to sleep
• then expecting baby to go to sleep in the cot next time.

• sitting in the room while he goes to sleep one night.
• then coming in and out the room next night

• taking him into your bed sometimes
• expecting him to go to sleep alone other times

• sometimes going to his cry straight away
• other times leaving up to 10mins of unattended crying

No nasty comments from me. But whatever you choose to do is unlikely to work without consistantly.

For what it's worth if it was me id either embrace cosleeping or focus entirely on baby going to sleep in the cot (with your attentive, compassionate, reassuring presence always there) rather than falling asleep in your arms.

Hi makeupmum! Been there/still Woking on it!!
Was also on my own until DP moved in around 10 months.
About 9 months I just got so tired and had a go at controlled crying because I could do it in my semi zombie state and I did it the softest way possible. It made a big difference!
Here's what I did (with the help of a sleep train book that my friend gave me, will try and find the name if you like)
Routine same time each night- bath/wash, pjs, milk, story, song and cuddle, then lie down. she bounced up again in her cot straight away first time and protested loudly!
Hardened my resolve, Left room, set phone timer for 3 mins, put ear plugs in, pottered round doing stuff (a bit anxiously I'll admit), back in when 3 mins up, acted all gentle and calming, sang a bit more of the song, lay her back down, (she sprung up again) left room, set phone for 3 mins again.
1st night took 1 hr 45 mins.
2nd night 40 mins
3rd night I went in once after 3 mins then she just thought I can't be bothered and went to sleep!! Since then evenings much better!
I never extended the crying time like they say because I couldn't face it- 3 mins was my limit but it seemed to do the trick!
Just be consistent and the book said act the same with early waking (v hard when you are groggy with sleep) but the results are worth it, she usually sleeps until at least 6.30 now.
I can usually tell if she's in pain, the cries seem a bit different and she is more wriggly, when that happens I give in a bit and take her out and cuddle her but she seems to have got the message that usually bedtime means sleep time.
She still wakes up briefly in the night but it is much better and I can go to work without feeling so much like the waking dead!!!
All the best!!

Forgot to say I did try the other things in the book too at the beginning, patting, then lying down by the cot, then retreating, I sort of did a mixture of the 2 techniques , quite hard work for about a week in total but there are good benefits to come!