Any suggestions to get an 8 month old to sleep?

[Matchsticksineyes]

DS is 8 months old and has never been a good sleeper. For the first few months he screamed every time he was put down, night or day, so I became trapped in a habit of him feeding to sleep/sleeping in my arms. He's improved a lot since then, in that he will now sleep in his cot if he's put into it already asleep.

He still wakes up frequently at night - anything from every 20 minutes to every 2 1/2 hours depending on whether it's a good or bad night. Up until recently I've been breastfeeding him to sleep as it's the only way I could get him to go to sleep without screaming. Now that's not really working - he'll feed for a bit then start crying and tossing and turning in my arms . He's clearly very tired , but screams if he's put in his cot and cries if we hold him and walk him round the room. He'll usually nod off within an hour of holding him and walking him round the room while he cries, but then is usually awake less than two hours later and we have to do it all again. We usually give up after he's woken up a few times and bring him into our bed, where he'll sleep much better. I don't sleep that well though as he doesn't cry, but wants to feed really frequently if he sleeps next to me. We've tried earlier bedtime, later bedtime, making sure he goes to bed with a full tummy, none of it seems to make a difference.

Can anyone suggest any sleep training routines that might work for us, because I'm just so exhausted and really need him to learn to self settle in his cot? I don't want to continue cosleeping as I don't feel properly rested in the morning, but at the moment it's the only way I get to have a few hours unbroken sleep. His cot is in his own room, so it's not us waking him up at night, he just can't seem to stay asleep in his cot. Any help would be much appreciated!

Firstly, he is exhibiting perfectly normal baby behaviours. You have not done anything wrong - he's just one of those babies who is a late developer when it comes to independent sleeping. Do not blame yourself for anything.

Secondly, and hoping I'm saying this in advance of anyone else, a two-hourly waking baby is categorically NOT waking because he is 'hungry' so extra feeding, porridge before bed etc is almost certainly not going to work. It is a massive misconception about breastfeeding that night waking is a response to hunger. He's doing one sleep cycle, needing the best reassurance there is in the world that he's safe to continue sleeping it, finding it in the breast, with the added benefit of the sleep-inducing tryptophans found in milk, then knocking off again.

Thirdly, there is no quick and easy way of changing the way he sleeps and there is certainly no cry-free way of doing it. Essentially, by letting him fall asleep on you, then putting him in his cot, it's basically like you falling asleep in your bed, then waking up in the bathtub. It's not where he fell asleep, nor is it where he wants to be asleep as you're not there. Going straight from the way you're doing it now to controlled crying is pretty harsh and I would suggest that it may not work as he is clearly not a natural independent sleeper, and will not take kindly or easily to 'you'-substitutes like a comfort toy or dummy. CC just thrust my DS1 into total cot-aversion and made him even more reliant on co-sleeping.

The best thing I can suggest is, if you have room, get rid of the cot, and put the mattress on the floor of his room, and get yourself an air mattress to sleep on the floor next to him. This will get him used, with you there, to the idea that his room is safe to sleep in. You can shift over, feed back to sleep as needed, and you both essentially have separate sleeping spaces, which may help you both. Do this for two or three weeks. As/when you have the energy to try and cut night feeds, do so. This will not happen without a shit-ton of screaming, so be prepared, and maybe swap with your DH for part of the night. E.g. Do bedtime routine without feeding to sleep, then leave DH with him, perhaps even holding him on his cot mattress initially when going to sleep. Leave DH with him until midnight, swap, then do usual feeding back to sleep from then. Gradually extend the time you swap. Eventually move into more traditional gradual withdrawal. Yes, it will most likely take weeks/months, but is far more likely to have lasting results, rather than CC or CIO which, if they work at all which I think is unlikely, would probably only work temporarily until the next developmental leap or tooth.

Speaking of which, 9-12 months is a roller-coaster developmentally and health-wise in terms of colds and teething, though, so none of the above worked with either of mine until they were close to 18mo. They both sleep brilliantly now though, DS2 even better than DS1, I think because he was supported to sleep in his own time, rather than having it forced upon him before he was developmentally ready.

I did controlled crying with my two dc when they were 9/10 months old and it worked like a dream, but they were already way more independent sleepers than your baby and I agree it might be too harsh to go from co-sleeping and frequent night feeding to controlled crying all of a sudden!

I read Elizabeth Pantley's book The No Cry Sleep Solution and I think there were some good ideas in there for those would want a gentler/more gradual weaning off dependence on you in the night.

Thank you for the replies. Yes, I was sceptical about him being hungry being the problem. The health visitor told me when he was six months that his sleep would improve once I gave him 3 meals a day, so to wean him as quickly as possible. However, even giving him very small amounts of vegetable purée just made sleep worse as he had digestive trouble and had tummy ache at night. I think the fact that he sleeps soundly next to me definitely points to a developmental cause rather than any external factors.

There isn't space for me to sleep next to him in his room, but I have tried sitting next to his cot and holding his hand whenever he starts to wake in the hope that it would make him feel more secure. He slept just as badly when his cot was in our room, next to the bed so I don't think the room change has made it any worse. It's reassuring to hear that he's just being a normal baby though, just a very clingy one!

I've got the no cry sleep solution and have tried a few of the techniques in there, but it sounds so straight forward in the book and I struggle to keep sticking with it when he's just hysterical before I've even tries to put him down! I think you're right though, it's not going to improve without a bit of screaming. I don't want to try CIO, at least for a few more months, so will keep trying whatever I can and hopefully he'll just start to feel a bit more secure as he gets a bit older.

My feeling about The No Cry Sleep Solution is it fools you into thinking you're being productive and 'achieving' something when, no, you're not really. The Pantley Pull-off is completely unachievable, unless your baby is only waking 2-3 times a night. All I achieved was sand-papered nipples from all the on-off umpteen times a night, and all it does is keep you awake longer and pisses your baby off, changing nothing. The rest is all just variations on gradual withdrawal that, again, probably work better with babies who have a better baseline of independent sleep than yours does, or that mine did at the same age. Mine were also screamers the second they were put down or lost physical contact with me so I just had to accept co-sleeping for a lot longer than I ever wanted to (not that I was ever going to do it in the first place...oh, no...)

Even if you remove the cot, and did you say there was a chair, is there still not enough room? I was well and truly shoe-horned into DS1's tiny room when I did it with him - DS2's room is narrow, but with temporary furniture removal, it was doable. It's part of the reason I suggest the air mattress - they squash obligingly to fit into small spaces.

Both my ds's seem to have immature digestive systems. Ds1 was constantly nursing and fed to sleep. Once solids were introduced he would get terrible tummy ache. Both colicky newborns. Ds2 we learnt our lesson. He has a dummy. We winded thoroughly after a feed. From newborn to 6mo he only woke every 3hrs for a feed. It was bliss. Also I cut out any wind inducing food from my diet eg baked beans, broccoli, etc.
He's 8mo today and from 6mo his sleep has regressed to waking hourly. Due to solid food mainly. I think I need to offer porridge or plain food for last meal, or slow the weaning down. He sleeps a lot better if he hasn't eaten just before.
Ds1 finally grew out of it age 14mo. Dropped bfing, and started napping for 3hrs once per day. Didn't sleep through til 19mo.
We also tried cio once and he screamed until he vomited.